Dear Amritsar,
I've been doing a five and dime in a Federal Prison Camp in Bryanhiandi, Texucky. Yeah, I was snatched for throwing a Molotov cocktail at a raccoon and hitting a police car - like it was my fault it drove right in front of me and scared away the raccoon! - which would ordinarily earn me a stretch of a few months, but I keep cutting bitches that look at me sideways, or sometimes upside down - it's not pretty, nothing in the Big House is - so my sentence keeps getting extended. I spend a lot of time in the prison gym, lifting weights and dropping flab; after all this time, I'm such a throbbing stack of muscle that if I ever get out, I'll be the first bubbe to become a professional wrestler.
Aww, who am I kidding? Bryanhiandi is a minimum security facility. I was sentenced to two weeks in jail for stealing a loaf of bread...with intent. Of eating it, I guess. In the mornings, we do fingerpainting and macrame; combining the two arts is harder than you can imagine, but the results can be breathtakingly lovely! In the afternoon, we get to play musical instruments in the garden outside - having to sit through that every day is cruel and unusual, let me tell you! The food is excellent - I've gained 20 pounds, and it sure isn't muscle! I especially like the spinach and moray eel pizza.
Anyway, last week we got a new partner for kazoo duets. Her name is hard to pronounce; it's European and has some tricky silent letters. So, we all just call her Jillian. To make her feel at home, on her first night we threw her a slumber party with a cake Margaret baked in the shape of a crowbar. She was so happy with the welcome, Jillian kissed us all. On the lips. Some quite passionately. We chalked it up to a successful hello.
Throughout the party, Jillian said things like, "Don't get too attached to me, girls - I'm not going to be here for very long," and "I have powerful friends who aren't going to let me rot in here for very long," and "I better not rot in here for very long, if my powerful friends know what's good for them!" You know, typical girl talk.
Jillian doesn't exactly fit in, but we're kind of stuck with her. Any idea of how we can help her accept that she's kind of stuck with us?
Betsy Boopsy
Hey, Babe,
Kudos to you and your sisters in the pen for the generosity of your spirit. These days, a newcomer to the neighbourhood is more likely to be met by a hostile unwelcoming committee. We truly live in the most barbaric timeline.
It is true, I suppose, that not all newcomers welcome a good welcoming. But I feel confident that as long as you and your sisters are patient with Jillian she will eventually come a...rou - wait. A hard to pronounce first name with tricky silent letters? Your new inmate isn't Ghislaine Maxwellcavotti, is sh - OH, MY GORD! STAY AWAY FROM THAT WOMAN! SHE'S A CONVICTED RAPIST AND SEX TRAFFICKER1 SHE IS EVIL. EEEEEEEEEEVIL!Aww, Jillian may be a bit awkward, but I'm sure she'll be okay. She is well spoken and polite. Of course, she wanted to play spin the bottle at the slumber party, which some of us thought was a bit weird because there were no boys, and, now that I think of it, she did seem a little too eager to invite some of the youngest looking inmates to participate and...and...and...
Thanks for the advice. You're the greatest.
Betsy Boopsy
Hey, Babe,
EEEEEEEEEEVIL! You're welcome.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: Bubble tea haters have no place in my world. Especially those who detest the tasty, tasty beverage because it is associated with Asian culture. Amritsar is not one who enjoys speaking ill of the dead, but Charlie Kirkindagonads has been removed from my ChristmaKwaanzUkah card list for this very reason. His supporters may want to tread lightly on this issue, lest they befall the same fate!