by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
Charlie Duffgrovceceren was a door-to-door used silver lining salesman. (When, in 2018, the Vesampuccerian Dream officially became out of reach of 79% of the population, he was forced to switch product lines to survive. Now, his primary product is variations of, "You wouldn't be happy with all of that money, anyway.") He had never interacted with the police, had never so much as watched a cop movie or show on TV.
Imagine Duffgrovceceren's surprise, then, when the Federal Bureau of Instigations swooped down on his RV and arrested him for shooting a man on 5th Avenue. Add to his imaginary surprise the fact that he had never been in New Yoricknuhemwell, had never even watched a TV show or movie set in the city.
That's a lot of surprise; I hope your imagination is up to the task.
"Today, a bad, bad, very no good killer of a guy has been taken off the street," gloated Ronald McDruhitmumpf, who, last time I checked, was - and yes, yes, still is - President of the United States of Vesampucceri. His gloating was so enthusiastic that he glowed, positively glowed with the light of an orange sun.
The FBI released photos of bullets found in the home of the alleged killer that had images of bunnies and slogans like "pineapples wilt under ultraviolet." MVGAts on social media immediately pounced on this as proof that the shooter was a left-wing, Commie, socialist, Black Lives Matter, woke, liberal, fascist, bastard. The fact that the FBI released the images five minutes before arresting Duffgrovceceren didn't slow the commentators down a wit (not surprising, since most of them appear to always be on their last).
"It was a righteous bust," said Prosecutor Alfredo Frankenburgertyme. "We had Charlie dead to rights, or at least, we would have if he hadn't dodged that hail of bullets. How he did that is one of the things we're currently investigating. We hope superpowers are not involved..."
Before yesterday, Frankenburgertyme had been a janitor in the Boise, Idarida office of the FBI. When the first prosecutor assigned to the case, Erik Siebertandsiernie, quit, saying, "I'm not going to put my name on such a loser of a case - I have a soul, you know!" he was thoroughly pilloried on MVGA social media for being a terrible lawyer. "Souls only get in the way of doing the job!!!!!" wrote @ronald4king4evah, to cite one example among thousands.
More importantly, Siebertandsiernie was replaced...by another lawyer who refused to bring the charges. In all, the Department of Injustice went through 127 different prosecutors in less than a week before FBI Director Kash Patternovlibhell found somebody who would agree to bring the case before a Grand Jury (the statute of limitations was running out; the indictment was made with seven seconds to spare, because waiting until the absolute last second is such a cliche!): Frankenburgertyme, a man who had not only never tried a murder case, but who did not appear to have a law degree, or have ever read a single Erle Stanley Chaunceygardiner novel.
"This case is such a slam dunk," Director Patternovlibhell spat out, "that we could have given it to your shut-in Aunt Bertha, who would have won it in a walk-off! Don't believe me? Oh! Oh, you think you've got what it takes to be the ferking Director of the ferking Federal Bureau of Instigations? I'm right here! Come and get me! No, not you, sir. You look...fit. You - the pussy sitting next to him! I'm not afraid of you! I'm the ferking head of the ferking FBI motherferker!"
"This is the first leg of The Ronald's revenge tour," said McDruhitmumpf chronicler David Cay Johnstonmassacre. "Mister Duffgrovceceren's crime was buying the last chocolate-covered stoat from a Washburningdington street vendor, denying the four year-old The Ronald his favourite treat. He's like an elephant - the man never forgets. And he's also like a raccoon: he never forgives and always searches through your trash for garbage to pin on you. Sorry if I strained that metaphor - I had spaghetti for dinner. Trust me, this is just the beginning of The Ronald using the Injustice Department to go after his perceived enemies."
As somebody who had written several unflattering books about The President, was Johnstonmassacre worried that he would be a stop on the revenge tour? "What would it say about my ability as a writer if I wasn't?" he mused.
"Oh, it's not as bad as it looks," Duffgrovceceren sighed. "I mean, sure, I'm innocent and all. But hey, at least I won't have to worry about room and board for the rest of my life!"
When I told him that the DOI was planning on asking for the death penalty, Duffgrovceceren frowned. But within seconds, he turned it upside down and said, "Well, okay, at least I will be done with this round of desire and suffering!"
Talk about somebody getting high on their own supply!