The Daily Me - Semolina Pilchard

Thank you, Semolina Pilchard, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we made the mistake of posting a video on Instanoodles stating that we liked strawberries. In less than a minute, a thousand responses were posted, some claiming that strawberries were "woke" and especially beloved by child sex traffickers, others demanding to know why we hated oranges. By the time we realized that we had accidentally stepped into the Culture Wars^TM and deleted the post, it was too late: our address was already posted on ~~Twitherd~~Y and our office was already getting bomb threats. This has been the toughest three minutes of our lives.

Good thing we didn't mention our love for tangelos!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Unfortunately, The Horror Doesn't End When You Leave The Theatre

Most of us agree that the presidency of Donald Trump is a horror show. The problem is, what kind of horror show?

For President Trump, it's the film version of Frankenstein.

For Vice President JD Vance, it's Dr. Jekyll and Mister Hyde.

For White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller, it's Saw. Or Hostel. Or maybe a bit of both, with Dracula thrown in for historical context.

For Secretary of ~~Defence~~War Pete Hegseth, it's Mad Max.

For Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr., it's 28 Days Later.

For Director of the Office of Management and Budget Russell Vought, it's The Purge.

For Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick, it's Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.

For Attorney General Pam Bondi, it's Mean Girls.

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills

[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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We've Put So Much Energy Into Diminishing The Israeli Response To Oct. 7 That Our Diminishment Muscle Has Started Spasming
After We Put Some Voltaren On It And Have A Little Lie Down, We May Get Back To You

"Don't diminish the savagery of Oct. 7" - The Toronto Star

SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines

[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1576555538]
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Ontario Chamber Of Commerce, 2035: We Need To Integrate Our Economy With That Of China In Order To Be Prosperous...

Ontario Chamber of Commerce, 1985: We need to integrate our economy with that of the United States in order to be prosperous.

Ontario Chamber of Commerce, 1995: We need to integrate our economy with that of the United States in order to be prosperous.

Ontario Chamber of Commerce, 2005: We need to integrate our economy with that of the United States in order to be prosperous.

Ontario Chamber of Commerce, 2015: We need to integrate our economy with that of the United States in order to be prosperous.

Ontario Chamber of Commerce, 2025: We need to diversify our trading partners and not rely so much on the United States in order to be prosperous.

Gee, I wonder what changed...

SOURCE: Economics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=639&dir=bb]
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But At Least They Died Secure In The Knowledge That Their Deaths Were In Vain

A ceasefire has been announced between Israel and...whoever is still alive in Gaza. Gazans immediately stopped the fighting they hadn't been engaged in since Oct. 7, while the Israelis continued to bomb Gaza as though nothing had happened.

Western liberals hailed this as progress. Western conservatives bemoaned the fantasy of Israel defending itself with both hands tied behind its back. Gazans continued to die.

SOURCE: The Baghdad Post

[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2008Apr14.html]
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In The Trump Deck, The King Of Clubs Ranks Highest, Followed By The King Of Diamonds (Although Gold Would Be Better) And The King Of Spades
The President Likes To Think Of Himself As The King Of Hearts - As If!

Oh, Speaker Mike Johnson, you're such a disappointment. You spewed the latest right-wing talking hate points, and you didn't once say "woke?" Who wrote that for you? Obviously, somebody at the Heritage Froundationt was asleep on the ball when they wrote that for you! And yes, I understand that "antifa" is the new "woke," but don't you understand that you risk alienating your core audience when you try to shake things up like that? Have you learned nothing from the New Coke debacle?

Although he didn't refer to it by name, Speaker Johnson was talking about the latest No Kings rally. The inference is that he and the Republicans want a king, and that, for some reason that is inexplicable to people with functional brain cells, they want Donald Trump to fill that role. Interesting interpretation of "Constitutional origanalism." If he isn't careful, Speaker Johnson may find himself in the woodshed with an enraged Justice Samuel Alito.

Nobody in their right mind would want that.

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism

[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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When Did "Canada Strong" Change To "Canada Subservient?"
Was There A Memo? I Don't Remember A Memo!

In his latest meeting with United States President Donald Trump, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney gifted the American leader with a set of United Nations-labelled golf balls. A source within the White House said the President was delighted by the gift; apparently, he can relate to small, hard, white round objects.

The meeting did not result in a new economic or security deal, or an easing of tariffs on Canadian goods. On the other hand, in their press availability, President Trump insulted Prime Minister and Carney with abandon, so...victory?

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte

[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd7-f6f3-7f3f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a801]
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Woman Of Iron, Men Of Kleenex

Delegates to the sparsely attended British Conservative Party's annual conference were invited to Ask the Iron Lady, an image of former leader Margaret Thatcher on a computer screen, questions. Imagine their surprise when she answered!

When Nigel "Breaking Winds of Change" Tufnel asked how the Tories could stave off defections to Nigel Farage's populist Destroy UK Party, for example, Thatcher replied, "You bloody twats need to grow a backbone! Find out what Farage's weakness is, then hammer the bastard on it mercilessly!"

"I...I thought she would say something about more tax cuts," a stunned Tufnel commented. "I wasn't expecting Maggie to be so..."

Vituperative?

"No, I would say scathing," Tufnel disagreeably agreed.

Jack "Hospital" Gurney thought that asking Margaret Thatcher a question about cutting taxes would be safe. He was shocked when she responded: "Have you bloody twats learned nothing from your own history? Unfunded tax cuts lead to the defection of major business leaders, who are also major party donors. Jesus Christ, but you people are thick!"

"That was...harsh," Gurney said of the experience.

On brand for the Iron Lady, then.

SOURCE: The Smarmian

[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2025/oct/11/its-a-crying-dame]
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