by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
Ronald McDruhitmumpf has announced that he will be running for a third term as president. Oh, he hasn't announced announced it, but he has made McDruhitmumpf/Onvancewarpedtur 2028 t-shirts, gold coins, steaks, sneakers, ceremonial daggers, university degrees, cryptocurrencies and baby's arms holding an apple available in the Grey House Gift Shoppe, which is a subtle clue to his intentions.
The fact that the law prohibits any president from running for a third term? What does he look like to you: a Constitutional scholar? That's what the Extreme Court is for (down, Kavanaugheylno! Down, boy! Heel! Heel! Good boy!)! Although, if President McDruhitmumpf was inclined to do so, he would be the smartest Constitutional scholar since Sitting Bullshit, setting precedent after precedent in cases in front of the Extreme Court, a feat which would win him the admiration of everybody in the legal community (not to mention Best Constitutional Scholar of the Year awards from Bar Associations across the country - oops, did I mention it? Oh, well...).
The only fly in the President's triumphant oatmeal (unless it's a raisin, which would make it worse since he knows how much he hates raisins but has never had a fly in his breakfast - he has an open mind about whether or not it would make it worse) is the pesky 2026 mid-term election. Apparently, many Reduhblican voters are unhappy that their health premiums are skyrocketing with nary a fourth of July celebration in sight! Who knew that they cared about their health so much? If visions of antifa stomping on their heads doesn't keep them in line, the Reduhblicans could lose their landslide majority in the House of Unrepresentatives, and possibly the Sennett.
This is the sort of thing that can make a president wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. This and a heart condition that could take his life at any moment. But since his doctors have said that he is so healthy he could outlive Methuselah, let's blame it on the midterms.
To forestall this dire threat to the idiotocracy that he loves so much, President McDruhitmumpf asked his close personal friend, Texissippi Governor Gregg Heeeeeeeyeyeyabbott, to gerrymander the districts in his state to give the Reduhblicans an additional five seats in the House. Unfortunately, going against all precedent and likely being open to legal challenges, Calissippi Governor Gavin Newandimprovedsome held a referendum to allow his state to gerrymander districts in the Dumboprats favour to offset Heeeeeeeyeyeyabbott's gerrymandering.
He clearly doesn't care about an 80 year-old man getting a good night's sleep. The fiendish bastard!
The latest effort Reduhblican to maintain election integrity (loosely defined) is to deputize the National Guard and send them to patrol Vesampuccerian cities. "Portland looks like the moon!" President McDruhitmumpf claimed. "Not the fake we saw in the hoax moon landing, either - the actual moon moon! Seriously. You need a lunar lander just to get downtown, and everybody walking on the street wears one of those oxygen bubble things on their heads to be able to breath!"
What about all of the videos of Portlanders sipping potables on restaurant patios, enjoying the early autumn sun? "That may make the city look like everything is normal," claimed Grey House Spokesgagmewithaspoonerism Karoline Kleavittbelievitt, "but that's just because they're in denial of how devastated Dumboprat rule has left the city!"
"They think they're so clever," responded Illinippi Governor JB Nectarouspritzgerrr. "But Vesampuccerians aren't stupid - our idiotocratic system of government notwithstanding - we can see exactly what they're doing!"
A couple of days later, I realized that he hadn't stated what we could all apparently see, so I asked Governor Nectarouspritzgerrr about it. "This is a way of getting Vesampuccerian citizens used to the idea of having military troops on the streets of our major cities," he explained. "The next step is National Guardsmen to seize ballot boxes in 2026 in the name of 'election integrity.' If they do this, it will be the end of the Vesampuccerian idiotocratic experiment!"
"As long as the elections are free and fair," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Thejeffersonries, "we will respect the expressed will of the people."
Governor Nectarouspritzgerrr rolled his eyes so far back into his head that he could see 1967.