TwitterX Circled the Drain, But Couldn't Claw Its Way Out

The President of the Free World

One If By Land, Two If By Dementia? There's Nothing To Sea Here...

Trump: "Drug usage coming from the sea - they call it 'ocean drugs' - little term that they use - ocean drugs - is very close to non-existent right now...So the ocean drugs and the sea drugs - 'drugs by sea' they call it, also - that's almost down to nothing."

Trump: I'm allowed, as you know, as president. Like 50% of presidents have used the Insurrection Act. Everybody agrees you're allowed to use that and there's no more court cases and no more anything

Democrats Winning?

Trump: "We can never let what happened in the 2020 election happen again. We just can't let it happen. I know Kash is working on it, everybody is working on it. And certainly Tulsi is working on it. We can't let that happen again to our country."

Dead People? That Happens More Often Than You Might Think When You Kill Them!

Trump: I don't think we're gonna necessarily ask for a declaration of war. I think were just gonna kill people. Okay? We're gonna kill them. They're gonna be, like, dead.

In the Court of the Orange King, Everyone is a Jester

Johnson on No Kings: Look at these people stand for. It's completely the opposite of what America was founded upon. They don't like living here, they don't like capitalism, rule of law, human dignity, fiscal responsibility

"Telekinesis! Hamas Has Weaponized Telekinesis!"

VICE PRESIDENT JD VANCE: "The 15 deceased hostages who are still in Gaza.. Some of these hostages are buried under thousands of pounds of rubble."

So how exactly did the hostages end up under thousands of pounds of rubble, J.D.? How did that happen?

It's Right There In The Title: No Kings...Of Israel

CNN: Do you really believe that the 7 million attendees who participated this weekend hate the United States of America?

REP. LISA McCLAIN: Well, look at what they're standing for. They're standing for communism. They're standing for antisemitism.

Karl: Trump has pardoned or granted clemency to ten former Republican members of Congress.

Mike Johnson: You wanna talk about what Joe Biden did with that power?

I Think You Meant To Say: "Ensuring Future Warfighters Frag Their COs..."

Hegseth: "Basic training is being restored to what it should be - scary, tough, and disciplined. We're empowering drill sergeants to instill healthy fear in new recruits, ensuring that future warfighters are forged ... they can put hands on recruits."

The Kind You Would Drop Out Of The Back Of A Plane? (With Our Luck, Protesters Would Probably Break Their Fall!)

DISGUSTING: After being informed a PARDONED January 6 rioter was arrested for a plot to kill Hakeem Jeffries, Mike Johnson shrugs it off:

"The violence on the left is far more prevalent than the violence on the right."

What an absolute piece of shit.

You Know What They Say: There's AN EPA Commissioner Born Every Minute!

EPA Commissioner Lee Zeldin announces his agency is launching a major investigation into the right-wing conspiracies about chemtrails and weather manipulation to get to the bottom of it.

"Honestly, She Is One Of The Least Self-reflective People I Know!"

Tucker Carlson: "How does Laura Loomer get to be a Pentagon advisor?"

Marjorie Taylor Greene: "I don't know....This is a woman that can't even legally buy a gun because she had such serious mental problems...Who listens to a person like that? No one should!"

"And He Said Some Stuff. And I Wasn't Really Paying Attention To What It Was. But He Is My Shield, And I'm Going To Use Him Against Anybody Who Thinks Otherwise!"

BREAKING: Republican Chip Roy foams at the mouth over the success of he HISTORIC No Kings rally with a doozie:

"The Marxist, radicals, & Islamists the Democratic Party can't handle the truth. The truth is that there is a king & that king is Jesus."

The Rest of the Circus

JUST IN: Pastor John Hagee at Christians United for Israel conference:

Jewish people and Israel are a "chosen people" who are "above all the people on the face of the earth, that includes the United States of America"

Welcome To John Lennon's World!

BREAKING: A US Marshall and an immigrant have apparently been shot. It sounds as if an immigration official fired at an immigrant and the bullets ricocheted and hit a US Marshall and an immigrant.

More details to come.

"What? Did I Say The Release Of The Hostages Would End The War? I Don't Remember Saying The Release Of The Hostages Would End The War! Don't Put Words In My Mouth! Such Crazy, Crazy Words!"

Israeli National Security Minister Ben-Gvir:

Now that we have received the hostages, we must return to war and open the gates of hell upon Gaza.

"...Showed You How Your Sex Life Could Be Improved, And Left You To It..."

Gutfeld: Under Biden, we had a government that invaded your bedroom."