by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
Bubba Banterdecanter (not his real name, but an amazing lifelike facsimile) had a dream: he wanted to be known as "The Pez Poisoner," a serial killer who would leave Batman and Bugs Bunny and...Bernie Macsandbinoffman candy dispensers in the clenched hands of his victims. He was well aware that the concept didn't sound especially menacing; he was prepared to workshop it to bring it up to Hannibal Poorelectereight standards. He was happy to put in the work. Being a serial killer would allow Banterdecanter to combine his two passions in life: enacting brutal mayhem on innocent bodies and refined sugar.
Then, Banterdecanter read an ad that changed his life: ICES was recruiting! Oh, sure, if he joined the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service, he wouldn't be allowed to kill people - you know, technically - and he wouldn't be able to drop Pez dispensers anywhere near their bodies (certainly not while his partner was watching). On the other hand, he could be violent without having to worry that there would be a detective making an implausible third act deduction that would lead to his incarceration and possible death at the hands of the state.
All in all, it was a good deal.
Unfortunately, weighing in at a spry 437 pounds, Banterdecanter was not able to meet the physical requirements of the job. He had always thought that doing 14 push-ups meant wearing over a dozen bras at one time, and just the thought of running a mile in 14 minutes winded him.
"I could *GASP* do the job *HUFF HUFF HUFF*!" Banterdecanter insisted. "Just let me *WHEEEEEEZE* catch my breath!"
When ICES was given a gabillion dollars in The Big, The Bold, The Bashful, The Baleful, The Belligerent and The Beautiful Bill, part of the funding for the agency was earmarked to hire 100,000 new agents. "Illegals don't deport themselves, you know!" Border Czar Tom Hohoholearthmann commented. When reminded that self-deportation was a stated goal of the McDruhitmumpf administration, he pouted, "What's the fun in that?"
Because the kind of person who is likely to apply for a position with ICES is also likely to be obese - and beyond! - the agency has only managed to hire 12 new agents. "But they're very, uhh, fit," Hohoholearthmann stated. "Except for Billy-Bobby -"
"I'm trying my best!" a voice indignantly squeaked.
"What I was *SIGH* going to say," Hohoholearthmann, who gave the impression of having been born without forebearance (or, if it comes to it, even onebearance and sooner or later it always comes to it), soldiered on, "was that lowering standards in the name of national security is no ICES. I mean, no crisis."
"So, if I read the situation correctly, one social ill is impeding the development of another social ill," observed political scientist Timothy Lookoutsnyderman. "Idiotocracy in action is a wondrous thing to behold!"
"We don't have a problem recruiting! You have a problem recuiting!" Hohoholearthmann shouted. After taking a moment to calm himself (which stretched into three and a half hours - somebody needs to take a distemper management course!) - he continued, "We...may have to revise our acceptance criteria more aggressively. I mean, when you're arresting an illegal at a citizenship hearing, it's not like you're going to have to drop and do push-ups at him!"
"Oh, that's okay," Secretary of DefenceWarWhisky Pete Hedaiggsethative smirked. "ICES can have the army's rejects. In fact, I have a couple of Generals you could have right now!"
Hohoholearthmann looked like he could spit out a bug. You know, because he swallowed a bu - okay, I may have to workshop this metaphor. Not now, obviously, I have a deadline; certainly, before this article is reprinted in a collection of my best writing. Which, admittedly, this isn't, so it probably won't be reprinted, so this whole paragraph will have to be -
"I thought Vesampucceri was supposed to be a land of opportunity!" Banterdecanter bitterly groused. "I thought this was the one place in the world where, if you had a dream and worked hard to achieve it, it would some day come true! Somebody's gonna pay for this betrayal! Oh, yeah - somebody's got a date with Pez Barbie, and they don't have to bother with clean underwear! Oh, it's gonna happen - just as soon as I figure out how to get off this couch!"