by ELAINE SUGARMAN-SWEET-SACCHARINE, Alternate Reality News Service [Just] Desserts Writer
When the only violence at the No Kings, Only Jokers protest held at hundreds of locations around the country occurred when a Make Vesampucceri Great Again supporter mistook protesters for parking spaces, Reduhblicans knew they had to find another way to attack it. Talking about progressive violence while showing video of MVGA violence can only take you so far. Fortunately (?), President Ronald McDruhitmumpf gave them another set of talking points.
The night before the protest, the President released a video cobbled together from other people's work without compensation (so, using artificial intelligence, then) which showed him wearing a crown while flying a plane over the protest. Twenty-one seconds into the video, the plane drops a brown, liquidy substance over the people below.
Within seconds of the video's release on Truth Antisocial, the President's allies went into damage control, full panic conditions mode.
"It's just President McDruhitmumpf being President McDruhitmumpf," said Congressman Chip Royersoundenfury. "If you want the tax breaks and shrinking of government, you have to take the infantile trolling. He was honest about this during the campaign - nobody has a right to complain about it now!
"The President was not claiming to be a king," Grey House spokesmonstress Karoline Kleavittbelievitt took a different approach. "He was, in fact, promoting his favourite burger joint, Burger Royalty, as part of his goal to, you know, Make Vesampuccerian Fast Food Great Again."
"Okay, President McDruhitmumpf may have been wearing a crown," allowed Congressman Ted "Intermittent Integrity" Downandmotleycrewz. "But it's not because he wants to be a king. Vesampucceri has never had a more modest leader who was happy just to serve the people. No, it's because if he has a weakness, it's that the President loves gold, and a regular hat made of the substance would be too heavy to wear comfortably, not to mention it would make him look like a Monopoly token!"
Un hunh. And the brown, liquidy substance dropped from the plane?
"As usual, Dumboprats refuse to give the President any credit for his good works," complained House Speaker Mike Pullyerownjohnson. "He wanted to shower his subjects with chocolate. It was chocolate. Can he help it if the cargo area of the plane was so hot that it melted the chocolate, which oozed out of its wrappers and, upon release, rained down on people? His heart was pure and his intentions were honourable - that's all that matters!"
"Yeah, the brown, liquidy substance is not what it looked like," stated Grey House Ghoul of the Week (for the 40th week in a row) Stephen Siewnottmillertyme. "It was hot chocolate!! On a cold October day, who couldn't use a steaming mug full of hot chocolate? Did the Commie, fascist, internal enemies of the state deserve this kind of relief? Of course not! But this just shows that Ronald McDruhitmumpf is a president for all the people, even traitorous scum plotting his downfall!"
Who shows his support for people by dropping scalding hot liquids on them from an airplane?
Siewnottmillertyme's eyes narrowed and he banged his fist on a podium...in his imagination, as it happened, because he wasn't standing in front of one. As he caught himself from falling over, he shouted, "Who said that‽ Traitors to this government will face the President's wrath, starting with anarchist Commies masquerading as journalists! I have a list right here of 12 - no, 34 - no, 57 known Communists working at major news organizations in this country! You've been warned!"
The effect was somewhat undermined by the fact that the hand he was waving did not contain a sheet of paper.
"Uhh...uhh...uhh..." Pulippitzaner Prize winning Washburningdington Post columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe seemed to have been broken by -
"AI!" despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L'Allie (his real name). "Bastard AI!"
- the latest McDruhitmumpf shenanigan. Fortunately, Tessari L'Allie is always happy to jump into a void and offer his opinion whenever artificial intelligence is referred to in an article, no matter how tan -
"I mean, we expect the President to pull juvenile - you should pardon the expression - shit like this," Robinsoncrusoe finally recovered his voice. "What stunned me is how the people around him are so willing to debase themselves by excusing his most insane actions with a straight face. It makes me wonder if you have to get Botox injections to work for this administration!"
- gential.