by INDIRA CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Fine Arts/Architecture
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf wanted everybody to know that the erection of his planned $350 million dance hall on the grounds of the Grey House would be adjacent to but otherwise in no way, not at all within the realm of possibility, only the evil mind of a traitorous leftie fascist would even suggest such a thing, affect the East Wing. "Nope. Nyunh unh. NO WAY!" the President wrote on Truth Antisocial. "FAKE NEWS! The fakest!!! So fake, it's almost real again - EXCEPT IT ISN'T! Thank you for your inattention to this matter. RJM"
When the enormous backhoe (easily the size of two and a half elephants, the half being comprised of the front of the animal because the alternative would just be too messy) was moved onto the grounds of the Grey House, surrounded by enough Secret Service agents to drown one of those elephants, some people doubted the President's good intentions. Not Reduhblicans - duh! - but other people. Less savoury people. You know who they're talking about - don't pretend you don't!
"Oh, don't be such whiny bitches," President McDruhitmumpf Truth Antisocialled at them. "We may have to trim some of the eaves around the east wing, but so what? There are plenty of ways of getting rainwater off the roof of the building. Not many people know this, but rainwater is wetter than plain water. Twenty-seven per cent wetter! And you can't argue with that, because it's a number, and you can't argue with numbers! You know that. I know that. The comedian who throws a pizza pie knows that. Water. Wet. Rain water. Wetter. Thank you for your inattention to this matter. Be sure to tip your waitress - we're gonna take the tax off such things any day now!"
Soon after, photos started circulating on social media that showed that the eaves troughs had been destroyed...along with half of the building. Pipes had been exposed and cut in half. Walls had been reduced to rubble. Furniture and art had been shredded. In short: the East Wing looked like Gaza. "We decided to get rid of the boring half of the building," President McDruhitmumpf proclaimed on his antisocial media platform. "The part where nothing of any interest ever happened. And anyway, it was ugly. Uuuuuugly! Ugly with a capital UG!!! Trust me - no one's gonna miss it. I know architecture. Some people know fungus. Some people know car insurance. I know fungus and car insurance, too, of course, but mostly I know architecture, and I know a dog when I see one, because I know dogs, too. And the demolished half of the building was a purse Rottweiler, and nobody wants one of those!!!!! Thank you for your inattention to this matter. Try the veal - Vesampuccerian farmers could use the business!"
The following day, nothing was left of the East Wing except a bit of carpet that had accidentally fallen into the hole where the building had once been and memories (which the defunding of the Office of Government Records would take care of soon enough). In response to the outrage when the extent of the destruction became public knowledge, the President wrote: "Whiners always lose and losers always whine. Oh, what fun we're going to have in our new dance hall! World leaders from all over the world will come to tell me how great I've made Vesampucceri, and we'll toss Mexicans onto the fire in the fireplace, and we'll laugh and laugh and dance the night away. Won't it be grand! Thank you for your inattention to this matter. Please leave through the gift shop - you'll find so much McDruhitmumpf merch you'll plotz!"
Grey House spokeshorror Stephen Siewnottmillertyme scowled, "The East Wing? Please! It was made on the cheap - literally. It cost about 60 bucks to build, and it shows!"
Of course, that was 80 years ago; it would be about 3.5 million in today's inflation adjusted dollars.
"Who let real journalists in the room?" Siewnottmillertyme shrieked. "Revoke his press credentials! Revoke them with extreme prejudice! Revoke them up his ass! And not in a way he can easily wriggle out of, either! Set press credential revocation to maximum pain!"
Should we tell him that the President cannot unilaterally change a public monument, that to do something like that he needs the express written consent of Congress, the National Monuments Commission and Major League Baseball? It depends upon how comfortable we like to be when we sit down, and we're not going to lie to you, we are all about our own comfort!