by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
For the low, low price of $25 billion, you can have a Department of DefenceWar department named after you. The Elon Threelonemuskateers Air Force - it has a ring to it, wouldn't you agree? Elon? Hello? Are you still planning on a third party challenge to the presidency? How would you like to fund the Air Force instead?
If this is too rich for your blood, you might want to reconsider your addiction to sugary investment vehicles; but more importantly, you might want to consider ponying up a mere $15 million for the right to name a naval ship. Won't your father be surprised - and his patriotic heart grow three sizes bigger (which will still leave it 3,003 sizes too small for human empathy, but at least he'll be moving in the right direction for a change) when, for his birthday, you get him the SS Peter Thielmenosecrets? Act now - supplies are limited!
"Privatizing the military‽" security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance, seeming more apoplectic than usual, shouted into The Void (it's a small town in New Mexissippi - what he's doing there may be personal, and we didn't want to pry...). "What brain-dead and long buried and all but fossilized, putrid abortion of a human being could possibly think that that was a good idea‽‽‽"
Russell Voughtingisachore, actually, the architect of Plan 2025 From Outer Space.
"Oh. Right," Donneednopennance, subdued, stated. "That tracks."
The government of the United States has been shut down for two weeks over a disagreement over the meaning of the word "the." Among other reasons. And people are starting to feel the effects. Old people are no longer receiving their pensions, and this time they can't blame it on Postmaster General Louis DeGroovyDeeLight's destruction of the post office. SNAP benefits for the poor have stopped flowing faster than Thanos can sna - uhh, make a sharp sound with his fingers. And nobody in the military has been paid.
Showing his compassion for old folks who can no longer afford to pay rent and poor people who can no longer afford to eat, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped at 2:37 in the morning: "The Schumaihargowmer shutdown has resulted in the military not being funded. Dumboprats don't care about the suckers who are risking their lives to defend the homeland from attacks from within! Fortunately, patriotic Vesampuccerians will be allowed to fund the military until the loopy left sees reason! Who keeps you safe? I KEEP YOU SAFE!!! Thanks for your inattention to this matter. RJM"
Looking as enthusiastic as a drowned alleycat, Sennett Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer stated, "The Big, So Ugly it Should Wear A Paper Bag Over its Head Bill was going to make the health insurance premiums of 20 million Vesampuccerians skyrocket and gut the Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act. We were not prepared to...Dumboprats were not willing to go along wi - what is that noise‽"
That noise was House Speaker Mike Pullyerownjohnson, arms locked with a dozen other Reduhblican legislators, chanting, "Schumaihargowmer shutdown! Schumaihargowmer shutdown! Schumaihargowmer shutdown!" After 47 minutes, his voice a wispy rasp (which bodes well for a career in phone sex work when his career in politics is over - which would not be as difficult a transition as you might think), the Speaker and his small cadre of lawmakers being used as visually appealing background actors shuffled off the stage (but not, alas, into history - they haunt us still), joining the majority of Reduhblican lawmakers who had already low-down-dirty hightailed it back to their states, where they could more effectively ignore their constituents.
"Former Speaker of the House Newt 'The Recipe Calls For Eye Of' Ginghamforrtharich said he wanted to shrink government down to a size where it could be drowned in a bathtub," Voughtingisachore observed. "Plan 2025 From Outer Space was always meant to be the blueprint for the plumbing. But the vital functions of the government were always meant to continue. You know, the...umm...I mean, that program that does...that necessary thing that programs of that nature do. I...I'm sure it will come to me. In any case, the point is - the military! That's it! The military! Well! If there is a program that is vital to the functioning of the government, the private sector can always jump in and work their magic on it. Some people see that as a bug. I see it as...the future..."
Donneednopennance responded, "Oy vey!"