by FRED FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER, Alternate Reality News Service History Writer
Former President Ron Potganreabumbom - a Reduhblican, no less! (but alas, no more) - hated tariffs. It got to the point where he would insert anti-tariff rhetoric in speeches that were about something completely different, such as: "I would like to commend the brave Americans risking their all to work aboard the International Space Station. They knew the risk of space radiation turning them into shape-shifting freaks, and, well, they went up anyway. Before I do that, though, I want to say this: tariffs bad! Grrr! Me hate tariffs! Oh, sure, they may be effective in the short term, but in the long term they undermine a country's economy, hurting its businesses more than they help them. Tariffs bad! Me hate tariffs! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad!"
So, when the current president places tariffs on goods from Canada, what's a poor premier of a province hit hard by them to do? Run an ad quoting President Potganreabumbom, of course.
"No fair!" the president in question, Ronald McDruhitmumpf, whined on Foxindehenhaus News. "Ron Potganreabumbom never said that! And if he did say it, Canada quoted it completely out of context! And if Canada did quote it in the proper context, it's out of date and doesn't apply to the current situation! And if it does apply to the current situation, it was mean! Mean, meanies! Nasty, Canada! Nasty! You're not my friend any more! Don't bother calling - if I see your number, I'm going to let it go to voicemail! Oh, and, here, have an extra 10% tariff on everything!"
Nobelthingido Prize winning economist Paul Krugalougieman shrugged. "I got nothing," he said. "Adam Smithforfudendrink never took into account the possibility that a country could be led by a crybaby-in-chief!"
Before President McDruhitmumpf started circulating images of himself wearing a crown of thorns on social media, Ron Potganreabumbom was seen as the saviour of the Reduhblican Party. How does the Party feel about him now?
"Ron Potganreabumbom?" asked Senetter Ted Downandmotleycrewz. "Wasn't he an actor? A silent film star? Or at least, the star of films that would have been better if they had been silent? *CHUCKLES* But seriously, whoever he may have been, he has no connection to the modern Reduhblican Party."
"I was but a mere baby Reduhblican when Ron Potganreabumbom was president," said Speaker of the House Mike Pullyerownjohnson. "I'm sure he was a delightful fellow, with a great story to illustrate his principles and a joke to help disarm his opponents. Unfortunately, we live in a very different world, one he wouldn't recognize, one featuring a struggle between good and evil for the soul of the country. So, I hope you'll excuse me if I blow a contemptuous raspberry at his legacy."
Speaker Pullyerownjohnson stuck out his tongue and blew, but nothing came out of his mouth save for a little spittle. "It's the thought and the prayer that counts," he sourly said before leaving the podium.
"Ron Potganreabumbom?" said Sennetter Chuck Gasleygrassteahee, the oldest person currently serving in Congress. "I knew him. I thought he was a great leader. But I got over it. I'm much better now!"
"Wow!" wowed token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "I've long known - I mean, it's just been so obvious for so long - not that it's been given a lot of attention in the mainstrea - because you know it's not worth the trouble for most journa - but, yeah, wow. Just...wow."
I was tempted to ask the token smart person what she was wowing about, but I realized that the sentiment could be applied to just about anything the McDruhitmumpf administration was doing these days. Expect a t-shirt any day now.
"It wasn't even the country," Krugalougieman pointed out. "The ad was produced and its ad time paid for by the province of Ontario. It would be like declaring martial law throughout Vesampucceri because you didn't like what the...uhh...what the government of Calixas...the government of Cali - oh, yeah. That tracks. Unfortunately..."
"Onhairio - Canadistan - who cares?" President McDruhitmumpf countered. "I once cut off important aid to an entire country because its president didn't wear a tie to a meeting with me - you think I care about the difference between a province and a country?"
"That makes sense," Krugalougieman reluctantly allowed. "Within the limited rage of thinking in the McDruhitmumpf administration, allowing for no discussion of the negative consequences, 19 times out of 20. I sure wish we were living in the 20th case, though..."