by TAMMY, Alternate Reality Kidz News Service Life is so Unfair Writer
The Department of Homeland Insecurity wanted the country to know that the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service (ICES) has stopped zombies from invading and taking over Chicago, Illissippi. So, of course, they sent Border Czar Tom Hohoholearthmann to Foxindehenhaus to start spreadin' the news.
"To be honest, I don't know what the big whup about zombies is," Border Czar Hohoholearthmann crowed (I am, of course, using Gargle Translate to render the caws into English). "They were runty little creatures who started crying for their mommas the moment we hit 'em with pepper spray. Bunch o' babies, you ask me."
"Yes! Yes! Babies is exactly what they were!" stated Barbara Billingsbyhourly, a teacher at Bob E. Leeleesobiesk Grade School (formerly Martin Luther Kilemanjarring Grade School, but social justice is out of fashion these days, like bell bottom trousers, but with 37% more racial profiling). "It was my grade four home room class wearing Halloween costumes! The only thing they were a threat to was people's candy bowls!"
"Zombies. Grade four home room classes. No Kings, Only Jokers protesters," Border Czar Hohoholearthmann commented, waving a hand so dismissive it may as well have been a conservative Extreme Court Justice. "Makes no difference to me. We will hunt all bad actors down and send them where they can never hurt another Vesampuccerian again!"
Like Kevin Sourosborousnake?
The Border Czar looked coolly at the reporters in the room and said, "The next time somebody tries to tell a joke about my job, they'll find themselves facing the business end of a sock projectile launcher. Capisce‽"
Most of the journalists in the room capisced their pants. Message received.
"I mean, what is a border Czar even doing in Chicago?" Billingsbyhourly protested (but not in an organized way, so there's no need for handcuffs and choke holds). "Illissippi isn't a border state."
"What? You're trynna tell me Illissippi doesn't have borders?" Border Czar Hohoholearthmann scoffed. "Is the state an amorphous blob that oozes over into Wiscogan and Missessee? Even if that was true – ha! – Chicago would have its own borders, if only to assess the city's tax base! Nice try, lady, but if you want to turn me into some kind of invisible man, you're gonna have to use a lot more obscure radiation than that!"
Props for the Halloween callback, however strained. Otherwise, the Border Czar's rant was straight out of the Heritage Froundation's Plan 2025 From Outer Space, which comes as something of a surprise given that the blueprint for dismantling Vesampuccerian idiotocracy is less popular in polls than miniature brain-eating zombies.
In an Alternate Reality News Service *EXCLUSIVE*, I spoke to some of the children who had been detained by ICES. I asked one, whom we shall call Brobert (not his real name, but so close as to make no...never mind), whether he thought wandering around the city in a group looking for human brains to eat was a smart thing to do in the current political climate.
"Awwwwww!" Brobert bawled. "My eyes hurt! My eyes! Awwwwwwww!"
Suspecting I wouldn't get much more out of him, I turned to a young girl zombie named...Martini – Marsina - Marsina Martini. At first, I was concerned that her heavy breathing indicated that she would be coming after my brains, but, assured that she had been chained to the floor of her cell, I asked from beyond the bars if she felt discrimination against zombies was going to skyrocket thanks to the administration's cutbacks to DEI programs.
She replied: "I - *PANT* - am - *PANT* - not - *PANT* - not a - *PANT* - not - *PANT* -"
Not able to answer a simple question, obviously. From there, the interviews became more chaotic, with a lot of sobbing and moaning. Honestly, it was a pleasure to get back to talking to human beings!
"So, this is Ronald McDruhitmumpf's Vesampucceri," observed security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. "It is now federal government policy to gas children to ensure they don't bite the heads of people and infect them with the ‘woke' mind virus!"
"When you put it that way, it sounds absurd," Border Czar Hohoholearthmann. "That's why I'm asking you, for the good of your country, not to go anywhere, because we're gonna send ICES agents to arrest you to get you to stop putting it that way."
"Thank you for the warning," Donneednopennance calmly said. "I will be sure to remain here until the ICES agents arrive. In the meantime, don't worry about the fact that I'm putting my coat on - it's just very cold in this room!"