by TINA LOLLOCADENKA, Alternate Reality News Service Music Writer
The McDruhitmumpf Symphony Orchestra will now open every performance on the McDruhitmumpf Main Stage in the McDruhitmumpf Centre for the Performing Arts (formerly the Name Which Shall Not Be Repeated Centre for the Performing Arts, even though TicketMiser still lists it as the Kennebunkedy Centre for the Performing Arts - those traitorous capitalist bastards!) with a rousing rendition of the Vesampuccerian national anthem: "YMCA" by The Village People.
"It's my favourite song," explained McDruhitmumpf Symphony Programming Director Ronald McDruhitmumpf (who, in his spare time, is President of the United States). "Waddya gonna do? It speaks to the aspirations of the common Vesampuccerian...and it makes me wanna jump out of my seat and dance. I'm a great dancer, you know - one of the best in the world. Everybody says so. I would give Mikhail Barristakanov - Batmobilanov - Bladerun - oh, you know, that Fenwickian [HOMOPHOBIC SLUR DELETED] dancer that everybody used to love so much. You know the one I'm talking about. I may look like a solid wall of muscle, but I can be light on my feet if I want to be. I've been clocked as jumping 15 - 26 - 37 feet into the air!"
"After I got over the initial shock," said McDruhitmumpf Symphony Primary Conductor and Artistic Director Steven Norimereasonke, "I thought, 'Well, okay. I can start looking for another job or I can work with this.' I tried dusting off my resume, but that just resulted in a 15 minute coughing fit. So, work with this it was!"
Norimereasonke pointed out that dozens of versions of the anthem were available to be performed. "Were you aware that Dmitri Shakakhanovich wrote an atonal version of 'YMCA' in 1937? Oh, we can definitely have fun with this."
"Fun? FUN‽" shrieked Grey House Ghoul From Hell Stephen Siewnottmillertyme. "Art is not supposed to be fun! Art is supposed to inflame the patriotic fervour of every single member of the audience by appealing to their sense of how great it is to be white and Christian. Does that sound like fun to you? Okay, actually, it sounds like fun to me, but I will admit that I may be an outlier in that regard. Regardless! Art that does anything else is...degenerate!" He said the last word like he had to spit a rat out of his mouth. Because the barbecue sauce it had been cooked in was rancid.
"Dictators often have a frottage relationship with the arts," stated journalist Masha Mindwype-Furrgessen. "They know that most people love the arts, but they cannot understand why. Naturally, they feel threatened by this. So they try to co-opt the arts. On the one hand, they build massive monuments to their egos - *COUGH* Grey House ballroom *COUGH* *COUGH*. But monuments can cost a lot of money to build, which may make the Dear Dictator's diehard supporters wonder why they're losing health and food benefits while DD is amassing huge buildings in his honour - at least until his next speech demonizing an out group, at which point they go back to looking like furious deer caught in headlights. It's also true that building his own arts infrastructure runs the risk of leaving independent artists who can create work that challenges the Dear Dictator. So, the other thing they do is recreate existing arts institutions in their image - *COUGH* Kennebunk - *COUGH* *COUGH* Kenne - *COUGH* *COUGH* Ken - *COUGH* -"
I asked Mindwype-Furrgessen if they needed a glass of water or a lozenge. "No. Thank you," they responded. "I was just coughing for dramatic effect. Sometimes, I can get a little...carried away with a performance."
Given that 34 of the 35 musical acts booked into the McDruhitmumpf Centre for the Performing Arts for the current season refused to perform there after the announcement that President McDruhitmumpf would be taking it over (the 35th died of embarrassment), the McDruhitmumpf Symphony Orchestra had to scramble to find enough works to play on all of the suddenly open dates.
"Did you know that a monk whose name is lost to time wrote a Gregorian chant version of 'YMCA' in the twelfth century?" Norimereasonke asked, sounding very much like a man who was trying to swallow a Buick. "Challenging as it is, we're going to have a lot of fun with this assignment. A lot of - *SOB* - fun!"
"What can I say?" McDruhitmumpf said when asked about the changes in the once arms-length institution. "Think of me as a patronizer of the arts."