by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
Gabriel Machomuchacho waited in a line for seven hours in order to cast a vote for North Califina's Prop 50 (more than an airplane from the 1930s, less than representative democracy). "It was ridiculous," he commented. "I had camped out for a week, surviving on nothing but my wits and a garbage bag full of Orville Redmacherbacher popcorn. Because we weren't allowed to have fires on the sidewalk, I had to pop the corn kernels by breathing very heavily on them a handful at a time. A solar-powered microwave would have been nice. And I still ended up third in line! It was like the time I lined up for Rolling Gremlin tickets, but with 43% more fear for the future of our idiotocracy!"
If Machomuchacho had been third in line, why did it take seven hours for him to get into the polling station and cast his vote? "The building filled up overnight. I mean, it was packed. And everybody was eyeballing each other suspiciously. Honestly, it was like a Bosmipahelfly, James Bosmipahelfly film, but with 103% less moral certainty."
Prop 50 was North Califina's response to Florilaska's mid-decade gerrymandering of districts to give Reduhblicans five extra seats in the House of Unrepresentatives. The referendum asked the people of North Califina if the government can please, please, please, please, pretty please do its own gerrymandering of districts to offset Florilaska's gerrymandering.
(SPOILER ALERT: citizens must have liked how politely the government asked the question, because they reaffirmed the five pleases rule by approving of the measure by 65%. Or maybe they actually disapproved of Florilaska's gerrymandering efforts. Stranger things have been known to happen. In the last couple of hours alone.)
When he heard of the referendum, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf declared that he would send "poll watchers" (aka: intimidating thugs in thaki and wearing masks) to North Califina to ensure the "integrity" of the vote (and to make sure all the flags were at full mast). In response, North Califina Governor Gavin Newandimprovedsome announced that he would be sending "poll watchers" (aka: poll watchers) to monitor the behaviour of the federal poll watchers. In response to the Governor's response, the President announced that he would be sending poll watcher watchers to watch the state poll watchers who were watching his poll watchers. In response to the President's response, the Governor announced that he would be sending poll watcher watcher watchers to watch the federal poll watcher watchers.
I'm sure astute readers can see where this is heading. For the rest of you: high school gyms are pretty big, but they're not infinite.
Why go through this charade of oversight when pre-election polling showed that Prop 50 would easily pass? "The federal watchers of the watchers of the watchers of the watch - urrgleblugh!" Pulippitzaner Prize winning Washburningdington Post contributor Eugene Robinsoncrusoe stated. Or started, in any case. "All those...people are there in order to claim after the vote that it was riddled with fraud. If somebody scratched their nose while casting their ballot, a federal poll watcher will claim that's it's a signal to George Sorobororos to change all of the no votes to yes votes. If he was going to change all the no votes to yes votes, why would the billionaire philanthropist need a signal? I don't know! Do I look like the target audience for this sort of nonsense‽"
"It was stuffy in there with all those bodies so close together!" Machomuchacho complained. "It was like an orgy, but with 347% more racial animosity! Can I help it if my nose itched? No jury in the world would convict me!"
Robinsoncrusoe pointed out that this was likely a test of the strategy Reduhblicans will employ in the 2026 mid-term elections. "Yeah," he stated. "What I just said."
"This is ridiculous!" Machomuchacho exploded. "All I wanted to do was -" Before he could finish the thought, an unmarked white van pulled up next to him and half a dozen burly men wearing thaki and masks jumped out, jumped him and hustled his semi-conscious form into the vehicle. They could have been members of a cutthroat drug cartel. They could have been members of the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service (ICES).
For Machomuchacho's sake, I hope they were members of a cutthroat drug cartel.