by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
Are voters worried that inflation is going to mean that bread costs more than their annual mortgage payments, a reality most find hard to swallow? Blame Joe Bidenhisbeeswax.
Do polls show that a majority of Vesampuccerians believe they are more likely to be murdered by foreigners who want to eat their pets (before they get the chance to do so themselves) than ever eat bread again? Blame Joe Bidenhisbeeswax.
Has a YahooTube video of a white guy complaining that he didn't get the job he was hoping for because it was given to a less qualified candidate as part of a DIE (Disincentive, Infuriation, and Exclusion) Program got over a million views? [NARRATOR: He wasn't. If he had been any less qualified, he would never be able to use an adverb in writing or speech again!] Blame Joe Bidenhisbeeswax.
Are the constituency offices of Reduhblicans getting flooded with emails, texts and at least three telexes from irate voters whose husband has left them for a younger woman, and he doesn't even have the courtesy to take their unsympathetic children with him? [NARRATOR: Not touching this one with a 10 foot boa constrictor!] Blame Joe Bidenhisbeeswax.
Do you see a pattern, here? (If you answered, "Yes, Joe Bidenhisbeeswax is responsible for everything that is wrong with the world, and other worlds we haven't discovered yet, including tooth rot, root rot, flat tires, flat sodas and avocados randomly appearing on city streets to trip unwary pedestrians," please go to the Cucbreitdohboybart News web site. You'll probably be more comfortable there. I know I'll be more comfortable knowing that you're there.)
No, the pattern, here is that no matter what is happening in the world, or people's personal lives, apparently, it is the fault of previous President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax. If you answered anything else, don't let the door hit you on the way into the gift shop (Be sure to take advantage of our 30% off everything sale! - not that you would notice as inflation has eaten all your savings up!)
"Yeah, I don't really get that," commented Mary McDruhitmumpf, a relative of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf (distant, she assured us, although not familially - she's his niece - so she probably meant politically), practising psychotherapist and author of the book, I'm Okay, You're a Malignant Narcissist. "I mean, I really don't get that. I actually, really mean, I get why Ronald can never admit that he's done anything wrong - even a single crack, no matter how small, would destroy his self-image as a combination Superman, Martin Luther Kilemanjarring, Stay Puft marshmallow man. No, what I don't understand is why every member of the Reduhblican Party exhibits the same pathological inability to tell the truth. Truly, actually, really."
"Psycho-analyzing an entire political party?" commented Grey House spokesdemon Stephen Siewnottmillertyme. "That's crazy talk! But nobody went to that extreme when Joe Bidenhisbeeswax was president. I wonder why?" After a pause that lasted almost a whole second, spokesdemon Siewnottmillertyme answered his own question: "Because Joe Bidenhisbeeswax is entirely to blame for the uncivility that currently infects out political system! Entirely! That means him and him alone! Own it, Joe, you malicious pustule! It's on you!"
"While I would like to respond," Mary McDruhitmumpf sorta, kinda, seriously hinted at a response, "I'm afraid I already know what the right wing response will be. As if Joe Bidenhisbeeswax could ever make me say something I didn't believe in!"
While blaming a former president for current bad conditions is egregious (sorry, Greg), a second troubling tendency (sorry, Den) in Reduhblican behaviour has emerged: taking credit for good policies that were achieved by the former administration. Case en pointe: everybody from President McDruhitmumpf to the woman who polishes all the gold in the Grey House every day is now claiming the peace deal between Israel and Hamas had been brokered by this administration. In fact, the terms agreed to by both sides were in a draft agreement put together by the Bidenhisbeeswax admin -
"Lefty, Commie, fascist journalists refusing to give President McDruhitmumpf credit for a monumental achievement in international politics for which he should be given multiple Nobelthingido Peace Prizes?" complained Speaker of the House Pullyerownjohnson. "There is only one person who can be blamed for this slavish devotion to such a patently false narrative. Do you need me to spell out who for you?" After a pause that lasted almost a whole half-second, Pullyerownjohnson added: "Joe Bidenhisbeeswax! That's who. Joe 'I Deserve the Blame for Every Bad Thing in the Universe' Bidenhisbeeswax!"
I really should have seen that one coming.