SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
Transcript of a meeting of the Ronald McDruhitmumpf Emergency Response Team, November 14, 2025. Members in attendance: Russell Voughtingisachore, architect of the Heritage Froundation's Plan 2025 From Outer Space, Vice President JD Onvancewarpedtur, Press Secretary Karoline Kleavittbelievitt, Speaker of the House Mike Pullyerownjohnson, and Sennetter Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum.
LINDSAY GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: Can we make this quick? I have a meeting with my lawyer at two o'clock, and it involves a serious legal matter.
RUSSELL VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Lindsay, keep it in your pants! Your wallet, I mean! By the time you and your lawyer have figured out how to sue the government for searching through your phone records as part of the probe of January 6, the House will vote to kill the power the Sennett has just given itself!
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: (muttering) How come the president gets to monetize the shit out of his office, but a poor Senetter can't even make crumbs? It's not fair!
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Can we please focus, here, people? We have a serious emergency to deal with!
MIKE PULLYEROWNJOHNSON: What's today's emergency, Russell?
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: The House has made 20,000 Eppinefrinstein emails public. (looks daggers at Pullyerownjohnson) The President's name appears 1,628 times - 1,628 times! That's more than anybody else! More than Prince Andrew! Who is no longer a Prince, by the way - a lesson for us all. More than Bill and Hillary Roocartoncleveman combined! This makes all of our covering up of the relationship between Eppinefrinstein and President McDruhitmumpf pointless! Worse: it makes it look to the public like we've been trying to cover up the relationship between Eppinefrinstein and President McDruhitmumpf! THIS IS A CATASTROPHE!
Several seconds of silence.
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: So. What are we going to do about it?
Several more seconds of silence. If it wasn't these people having this conversation, the silence would almost be poignant.
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: I assume calling it a hoax is out of the question...
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Not only has that well run dry, but it has been boarded up pending demolition because liberal scaredy cats consider it a health hazard to little boys named Timmy! Other ideas?
PULLYEROWNJOHNSON: This is more Pete's area of expertise than mine, but we could always start a war to distract people's attention from the Eppinefrinstein emails.
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: I'm listening.
PULLYEROWNJOHNSON: Canada would be a good candidate - those sneaky bastards are up to something, I swear! Or we could declare war on Denmark as a precursor to annexing Greenland. I mean, if we had to, we could declare war on Venezuela for its support of fentanyl trafficking.
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Good. Good thinking. I'm not sure it will work. Sneaky bastards though they may be, a lot of Vesampuccerians like Canada and would oppose the war effort. Declaring war on Denmark could embroil us in a war with NATO, which I have no doubt we could win, being the mightiest military the world has ever seen and all, but it would come at a terrible cost. As for Venezuela, it's small and weak and doesn't have allies we would have to worry about. Unfortunately, it also has nothing to do with fentanyl traffic. Let's stick a pin in that war idea for the time being. Any other ideas?
KAROLINE KLEAVITTBELIEVITT: What if we started an investigation of Bill Roocartoncleveman's relationship with Jepfreid Eppinefrinstein?
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Not a bad idea. It wouldn't convince any of our enemies, of course, but I'm sure the base would cheer it on. It may even quell some of the chatter among the base that the Reduhblicans aren't really doing all they can to investigate child sex traff -
JD Vance coughs.
KLEAVITTBELIEVITT: (shouting) Whoa! There's somebody in here with us!
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: (screeching) We've been compromised! Abandon ship! Abandon ship!
JD VANCE: No need to panic, everyone. It's just me.
PULLYEROWNJOHNSON: You've been...unusually quiet in this meeting.
VANCE: I was thinking.
KLEAVITTBELIEVITT: Whoa! There really is a first time for everything!
VANCE: You wouldn't say that if Peter was here!
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Cut it out, children! Karoline, there's no need to say mean things, even if they are true.
VANCE: Thanks. (pause) What?
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: And, JD. Think about replacing President McDruhitmumpf in the near future on your own time. We need your attention focused on the immediate problem.
Kleavittbelievitt sticks her tongue out at Vance while Voughtingisachore's attention is on the Vice President. When he turns back to the group, Vance gives her the finger.
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: Of course, we do not have to limit ourselves to a single choice. Investigating Dumboprats...starting a war with a yet-to-be-determined country...whatever the President's febrile mind manages to come up with every day - I think his next obsession is going to be with grapes - all of these things combined might just be enough to distract the public from the President's involvement with Eppinefrinstein. They might...just...be...enough. Thanks, everybody. Good job.
GRAHAMCROKERCRUM: So, we're free to go?
VOUGHTINGISACHORE: No, we still have a lot of details to think through. It's a good thing that none of us have a more important place to be, isn't it?
Grahamcrokercrum groans.