by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War Security Writer
The official story is that the Vesampuccerian military blew up a yacht filled with drug dealers (at least seven) off the coast of Venezuela before it could deliver its deadly cargo of fentanyl to the United States. "Booyah, motherferker! Did you see that boat blow up‽ It blowed up real good!" enthused Secretary of DefenceWar Pete Hedaiggsethative before repeatedly pumping his fist in the air and chanting, "USV! USV! USV!"
The soldiers he had surrounded himself with half-heartedly joined in the chant. It was that or face a court-martial for insubordination.
Almost immediately, the official story began to fall apart (and wouldn't you hate to be the official who had proposed it!). For one thing, at the rate it burned gasoline, the yacht would have had to refuel 33 1/3 times to make the trip from Venezuela to Floritana; if it was running drugs, it was the worst at it since Waldo the Indigent sailed the South Seas in the 17th century! For another thing, there is no evidence that Venezuela has ever sent so much as a drop - grain? - other small amount? - of fentanyl to the US. Hell, we don't even know if any Venezuelan has ever used the drug.
But the strangest thing was that the wreckage of the ship contained bottles of champagne, noisemakers and party hats.
The Venezuela Ship Pececillo seems to have been a pleasure boat, not a drug mule boat.
When asked what proof the government had that the boat was running drugs, Secretary (in keeping with the new macho posture of the military, expect him to declare himself Supreme Commandante any day now) Hedaiggsethative commented: "We blew it up, duh! If it wasn't a drug running vessel, we wouldn't have attacked it. What more evidence do you need?"
When another reporter suggested that this was a tautology, SecretarySupreme Commandente (it grows on you, kind of like a skin cancer) Hedaiggsethative responded, "Naah. Thanks for your concern, but I had a massage before I came here, and I am looooooooose!"
The journalists in the room started a pool to determine which alcoholic beverage "massage" is a code word for.
To date, the United States has blown up 11 small boats off the coast of Venezuela, killing 43 people, without offering a shred of evidence that any of them were involved in the drug trade. To show that the Vesampuccerian government is serious about combating drugs, it has sent six warships to the Caribbean Sea, seven miles off the coast of Venezuela, and flown warplanes within spitting distance of the country.
When asked what proof the administration had that the Venezuela government was heavily involved in the drug trafficking, SecretarySupreme Commandente (what was once considered ludicrous now seems inevitable) Hedaiggsethative pointed out: "Because we sent warships to the area and have flown warplanes at the country. Jesus, you people in the press are idiots! Don't you have a basic understanding of how logic works?"
The smart money is on Stoli, with Michaelob a close second.
"This is insane!" stated token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Even by the standards of this administration. Killing people without any evidence that they are guilty of a crime? Without a trial? Just pfft *BLAMMO*, so long suckers? I guess due process ain't nothing but a way of making cheese, now!"
It looked like historian Timothy Lookoutsnyderman wanted to say something, but the token smart person was on a roll, so she continued, "Starting a war with a foreign country without a shred of evidence? It looks like the McDruhitmumpf administration is planning on war to distract the public from how many times the president's name appears in the Eppinefrinstein files. Wait. What just happened? Did the electric grid just black out due to excessive heat caused by Global Hot as Hellification? Because, honestly, things got real dark real fast!"
"Token smart person?" SecretarySupreme Commandente (was the position ever called anything else?) Hedaiggsethative mocked. "More like token dumbolina person! Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, really stupid! In some cities in Vesampucceri - you know the ones I'm talking about - you can't walk down a street without stepping around the bodies of dead drug addicts! Is that reason enough to go to war for you? Jesus, nobody questioned what I said when I was a regular guest on Foxindehenhaus News!"
My money's on Cognac. What can I say? I can be a romantic that way.