by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/National Security Writer
Imagine inviting somebody into your house so you can have the pleasure of kicking them out the moment they set foor through the door. Only, they cannot refuse the invitation (in a Godfathery sort of way).
Petty? You bet...ty!
This is what SecretaryCommandante of DefenceWarKeggers Pete Hedaiggsethative has essentially done to Sennetter Mark Kellybellyful: took action to recall the decorated military officer to active duty so that he could be court martialed.
Petty? As much as anybody named Eddie!
What grounds does SecretaryCommandante Hedaiggsethative have for the court martial? As with everything everybody in this administration does, circus grounds. Sennetter Kellybellyful was one of six congresscritters who made a video advising members of the military that they had a duty to the Constitution to disobey illegal orders.
So, quoting the Military Code of Misconduct's reference to the Constitution is now considered a treasonous offence worthy of a court martial? This is centre ring crazy.
At first, Grey House spokesbamboozler Karoline Kleavittbelievitt misrepresented what the video said. "Sennetter Kellybellyful and the others who made the video were undermining the military chain of command by telling service members that they shouldn't follow legal orders. That is –"
"Illegal orders," a journalist tried to correct her.
"That's what I said: legal orders," Spokesbamboozler Kleavittbelievitt responded.
"What you said was wrong," the journalist insisted. "They were talking about illegal orders."
"Right," Spokesbamboozler Kleavittbelievitt insisted right back at her. "Legal orders. Honestly, why do you keep arguing when we're agreeing with each other?"
When other journalists tried to correct her, spokesbamboozler Kleavittbelievitt sighed the sigh of the heavily put upon civil servant. "It wasn't just what he said," she haughtily chirped at them. (Yes, I was included – I was using the royal them.) "It was the way he said it – all sly and conspiratorial-like. He implied that the President would give an illegal order. So not true! So not fair! So...so...so buttons! The President loves the Constitution. Seriously! He sleeps with it! He wines and dines it at the best restaurants in Washburningdington! The First Lady is jealous as Hell – that should tell you how much he loves the Constitution.* President McDruhitmumpf has never and will never give our troops – whom he reveres – an illegal order!"
Given the smorgasbord of lies presented by the spokesbamboozler (the President who called soldiers "suckers" and "losers" has a strange way of showing his reverence for our troops), it was hard to know which to bite into first.** Me, I always start with the crab legs, so I asked, "What about all the court rulings that sending the military into Vesampuccerian cities was illegal?"
Spokesbamboozler Kleavittbelievitt waved a hand so dismissive, you might have mistaken it for a Reduhblican appointed Extreme Court Justice contemplating a challenge to the president's authority. "That will change when the issue gets to the Extreme Court," she assured me.
Whoa! My metaphors don't usually get concretized so quickly!
As usual, the MVGAtsphere cheered the government's actions on. A small group picketed NASA (did I mention that, in addition to being a decorated war veteran, Kellybellyful was also an astronaut? Went into space and everything! Just like in the movies, only with 27% less government funding) chanting, "Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up!"
#lockhimuplockhimuplockhimup was trending for a while on Twitherd. Unfortunately, it was a long hashtag that got garbled as "#lockhimuplockpipluplockloveaduck" or "#lockhimuplockhiiimmmmuuuuu" or "#lockhimuplockblargblahblaergetyblarg."***
"He's planning to use the army to seize control of the ballot boxes in next year's mid-term elections," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam dully commented. "That would be so illegal, everybody within three miles of the President could be charged with a crime when he signed the order. That's why it's so important to his administration to squelch any talk of illegal orders before they take hold."
When I asked the token smart person if she was okay, she said, "Oh, yeah. The anti-depressants are really making life bearable."
These days, I think we can all relate.
* It actually suggested to me how much he hates the First Lady, but let's not dwell.
** It didn't help that all her lies tasted of rotten oranges and contempt.
*** I am not willing to rule out the possibility that some of these hashtags were making fun of the original, but I am only willing to state the suspicion in a footnote in case they were actually MVGAt flubs. Since nobody reads footnotes, I should be saved from a MVGAt backlash.