by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
Citizens starting to realize that tariffs are raising the cost of their groceries? Blame Mark Kellybellyful. Sunspot activity wreaking havoc with the world's communications systems? Blame Mark Kellybellyful. Your spouse losing interest in being your bedroom buddy? Blame Mark Kellybellyful.
An Afghan refugee kills two National Guardsmen in Washburningdington? Blame...you know who.
When news of the shooting broke, the knees of the right wing punditocracy jerked so quickly you would have had to slow video of the action down to one fiftieth of normal speed to see the movement.
"By saying soldiers shouldn't obey orders, Kellybellyful undermined faith in our fighting men...and any fighting women who haven't been fired or chased out of the service," barked trained seal (who had never been a SEAL) Jesse Shallowatterruns. "He is as responsible for the deaths of those two brave boys as the guy who pulled the trigger - more responsible, really, because without the idea, there could be no action!"
On his InfomercialWars podcast, Alex Jonesenforrahit summed the position up: "Kellybellyful baaaaad! Bad man Kellybellyful! Him cause shoooooting! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad man!"
The problem with this narrative was that when the pundits stuck their heads out of the holes they inhabited, they saw their shadows, which meant only six per cent of their audience believed them. So, they immediately pivoted (not an easy thing to do when your knee is jerking) to their go to scapegoat and began blaming the former President.
"He should be immediately reinstated in the military so he can be court - oh, wait, did I say Mark Kellybellyful?" Shallowatterruns said without missing a beat. "I'm sorry. New information has come to light, which makes me believe that the person most responsible for the deaths was former President Bidenhisbeeswax."
Or, as Jonesenforrahit put it: "Bidenhisbeeswax baaaaad! Bad man Bidenhisbeeswax! Him cause shoooooting! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad man!"
The logic? When the Afghan War ended in 2021, then-President Biden instituted Operation The Call is Coming From the Basement, Get the Hell Out of the House. The plan was to get as many Afghans who helped Vesampucceri fight the war to safety as possible under the not unreasonable assumption that when the Taliban regained control of the country, they would not greet those who collaborated with us with chocolates and flowers. Unless they were laced with poison.
The shooter, Rahmanullah Lakawannawall, came to the country as part of that operation.
As ever, there is more to the story than right wing pundits are willing to pund about. For one thing, Operation The Call is Coming etc. was necessary because at the end of his first term as President, Ronald McDruhitmumpf signed a peace deal with the Taliban as he was walking out the door. (The signature was scrawly, but legible, so legal.)
For another thing, the Injustice Department vetted Lakawannawall and gave him asylum this year. Who was president at the time? I know eight or nine months can seem like an eternity with this administration, but if you just concentrate, you should be able to think back to - oh, right. Him.
When this information became public, the right wing punditocracy pretended that it didn't exist. Shallowatterruns, for example, put a finger to the side of his head and said, "Wha - what's that? Oh, sorry, there was a...buzzing in my ear. Not to worry - we'll fire some junior producer once we're off the air." Then, he started talking about the video game that is going to be made of the Vesampuccerian military bombing fishing boats off the coast of Venezuela.
Reduhblican Representative Nancy Maceinyerfaceha told reporters, "This would never have happened with President McDruhitmumpf in charge."
I'm just gonna let that sit there for a while...
Even the President himself seemed non-plussed (he never gets any credit for his assets...although he must have some...he just hides them well, I guess) in responce to the killings: "If only somebody had vetted this creep. I love vetting. Vetting is a process. A good process. You find out who the creeps are. This creep should have been vetted. Then, this shooting would never have happened."
When a reporter pointed out that his government had vetted Lakawannawall, the president shouted, "Are you stupid? Are you a stupid person? You're just asking questions because you're a stupid person!"
A confused Jonesenforrahit summed it up: "Democrat baaaaad! Bad man Democrat! Him cause shoooooting! Figure out who him is later! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad man!"
In case you aren't seeing a pattern, that him could turn out to be you. Be afraid. Be very afraid.