Thank you, George LeRoy Tirebiter, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were feeling a little overwhelmed by everything. Did Secretary of DefenceWarTestosterone Pete Hegseth really command the navy to "Kill the mall?" Surely, you don't encounter many shopping centres in international waters! And how do you kill them, anyway? High taxes and prohibitive zoning regulations? Did President Donald Trump finally get his long-coveted spot on the front of a box of Wheaties? Is Elon Musk still a thing? How is Elon Musk still a thing?
So, we shut everything down. Closed all of our social media and shut off our phones. Closed all of the apps on our laptop and shut it down, as well. Then, we banged our heads on our desk several times - life doesn't get any realer than that kind of pain! To reinforce the effect, we punched the wall above our closed laptops. Multiple sources of physical discomfort - it's so easy to tune out the noise of the world and reconnect to what's real when you're feeling them! Then we cleaned up the blood, bandaged our wounds and got back on social media. We love reality and stuff, but there's no need to martyr ourselves to it!
Besides, we were off social media for all of a minute and 37 seconds - that's a new record for us!
Enjoy,We're Post-literate, Post-rational And Post-Washington Post, So This Scans
Brooke Rollins on SNAP: "21 states, including California, New York, and Minnesota, blue states, continue to say no. So as of next week, we have begun and will begin to stop moving federal funds into those states until they comply."
When asked if that was legal, Rollins looked pityingly at the journalist and said, "Oh, my dear, don't you know that we live in a post-legal world, now?"
SOURCE: The New York Crime
[https://www.nycrimes.com/live/2025/12/05/national/snap-withhold-blue-legal]
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SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Many parents are considering gifting their children with experiences rather than physical objects this holiday season. "Our children are already inundated with stuff," said Montague Elbonium. "If they don't get bored of a gift within a month, it will be irreparably broken within three. But spending time with them on something they love doing is a gift they will cherish for years to come."
In other words, you're cheap.
"I'm not cheap!" Elbonium argued. "I'm trying to instill in my children values other than materialism!"
So, your kind of cheap comes with a philosophy.
"It's not about the money!" Elbonium insisted. "It's about giving my children something money can't buy!"
You believe there's something money can't buy? So, your philosophical cheapness is delusional.
"You're not paying me enough for this interview!"
Ah. At last, something I can understand!
SOURCE: Playtoy Magazine
[http://www.playtoy.com/worldofplaytoy/hmh/hanging/hangin-with-Montague-001.html]
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When You Elect A Carney, Expect A Circus
The Canadian Net-Zero Advisory Board (with the catchy acronym NZAB), which started life with nine members, is currently down to four, and may soon find itself without any. Current and former members of the independent climate policy advisory board claim that the government is not engaging with it on how to implement energy policies that can help Canada meet its Paris climate targets.
"Wha - why would you - oh, I think I see where the problem is, here," said Prime Minister Mark Carney. "You thought the term ‘net-zero' applied to climate policy. Actually, ‘net-zero' applies to how effective the board will be at influencing my government's policy. I hope that clears everything up for you. Sorry to have to run, but I have a petulant world leader to babysit!"
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=551]
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When The Only Tool You Have Is Nailing People, Every Problem Looks Like It Needs A Hammer
The mayors of Ontario's 29 largest cities are calling on the province to declare a state of emergency, claiming they are facing a "community safety and humanitarian crisis" caused by a combination of homelessness, mental health problems and addiction.
"Humanda - hunamit - humblehanniti - sorry, but we don't do...whatever it was you were asking us to do," stated Ontario Premier Doug Ford. "Now, if you want more police, that's something I understand. Have your people call my people and we'll see what we can work out."
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20251204.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/newsOops2025/]
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When It Comes To Supporting Genocide, It Pays To Read The Fine Print
Shadow of EzraMike Huckabee commands a hand-picked group of 1,000 Christian Zionist pastors1 in Israel to prepare for an information war2 in America focused on spreading the "truth about Israel."3
He says each pastor has a duty4 to make Americans understand that modern-day Israel is the same Israel described in the Bible.5
Huckabee adds that the land of Israel was given to the Jewish People.6
Notes
1. Funny that there's no mention of Zionism in the New Testament. And of course, when I say "funny," I mean: "WTF, Mike Huckabee‽"
2. Don't tell Pete Hegseth, or he'll want to find a propaganda to bomb.
3. Propaganda looks like truth to a blind wombat.
4. Because nothing says "I break for Christ" more than pledging allegiance to a foreign nation. Or, if it comes to that, any nation.
5. ...with advanced aircraft and nuclear weapons. Otherwise, there'd be no telling them apart.
6. Sure, if you mean at the end of the second world war by European countries who didn't want the Jews to settle anywhere near them (and didn't care about the people who were indigenous to the land).
SOURCE: Religion For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/religionfordummies/home.asp?did=589&dir=bb]
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