by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/National Security Writer
SecretaryCommandante of DefenceWarGood Times Pete Hedaiggsethative is at serious risk of being cast adrift by the McDruhitmumpf administration; he can only hope that no Vesampuccerian warships are in his vicinity.
A Venezuelan ship was blown up (lucky number 20), but two of the sailors somehow managed to survive, clinging to the wreckage. So, the navy bombed the ship a second time, in a manoeuvre called a "double tap." This was not an attempt to get their attention by touching their shoulders...twice. It was not an attempt to get the two men to drink running water from a sink. It was a deadly attack. Why the navy talks about its operations in terms borrowed from a second-rate horror movie is something Congress should be investigating, if you ask me.
The problem is: Maritime law is very clear that you cannot attack survivors of a previous attack clinging to the wreckage of their ship. You have to follow them to land, then gut them with your sabre. (Maritime law is largely based on precedents set when pirates roamed the seas.)
"I'm not sure why this attack is being singled out as illegal," commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "In the absence of a declaration of war from Congress, or any evidence that the ships were carrying drugs, none of the attacks on Venezuelan fishing boats by the military is legal. They're all murder, pure and simple...and illegal."
The rationale for the controversial attack on the fishing boat has changed more than once. At first, the Octagon denied that a double tap had taken place. "Frankly," SecretaryCommandante of DefenceWarGood Times Hedaiggsethative blustered, "I'm offended that you would use that term against somebody who is struggling with his sobriety!"
When members of the House Defence (Still Just Defence) Oversight Committee saw video of what had happened, SecretaryCommandante of DefenceWarGood Times Hedaiggsethative was forced to change his story to: "The Butler did it." He was, of course, referring to Admiral Butler Bradandjanetleigh, the military leader in charge of the action.
The military brass were not happy that their civilian leaders were so willing to throw one of them under the bus taking prisoners arrested by ICES to the plane to the coastal paradise of El Salvador. So the SecretaryCommandante of DefenceWarGood Times changed his story once again, this time to: "The attack was so close to the shore, we were tricked by the fog of war. Did I mention we're at war? All's fair in love and war. So, this was legit. You don't believe me, take it up with Shakeaspeararetoo!"
"This is what I'm saying!" token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam insisted. "No Congressional declaration! Not a war! All of the attacks on fishing boats were illegal acts of murder!"
"If itz not a war," @hundertwasser_hundt027 wrote on TwitherdY, "the rules of war don't apply, do they? Hunh? Hunh? Do they? Not so smart now are you token person?"
"Life is too short for this nonsense," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam muttered.
"If what we have been told is true," said Sennett Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer, "and if we can believe what we saw in closed session, and if we are having a good day, this could cause a lot of trouble for the Secretary. A lot of trouble."
So, another sternly worded letters to The Times, then?
"You may not take it seriously," Minority Leader Schumaihargowmer retorted, "but this time the gloves will be off. I will allow my members unlimited access to exclamation marks, and I'm considering letting the more eager among them use interrobangs. That shows how seriously we take killing defenceless drug traffickers clinging to planks in the middle of the ocean!"
"Gaaach!" token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam choked on her indignation. Or possibly a ham sandwich. "Not war! Not legal. Muuuurrrrrrrrderrrrrr!"
Is President McDruhitmumpf seriously considering bringing the dreaded MC (Made in China) Hammer down on SecretaryCommandante of DefenceWarGood Times Hedaiggsethative?
"What? Why are you looking at me?" asked Pulippitzaner Prize winning Washburningdington Post contributor Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. "It's late in the article and I wasn't supposed to be interviewed." I wouldn't say my look bored into his soul, but it did get at least three layers under his skin, so he eventually sighed and said, "We all know how loyal the President is to people who make him look bad. I'm surprised Hedaiggsethative wasn't fired days ago!"