by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics/Migration Writer
The line to buy ice picks at the MultiMaxiMegaMart in Missoula, Illixas was over 150 people long. They seemed thrilled to be buying ice picks at the end of August - maybe they were stocking up for winter? Maybe they were stalking up for Christmakwanzukkah, making sure they had gifts for all of the serial killers on their list? And 152 people just happened to get the same idea at exactly the same time? Maybe they were all responding to the same social media post - this is the way the capitalist system is supposed to work - why are you trying to make me question it?
One minute after the last person purchased their pick, a second line appeared: 151 people in front of the customer service desk intending to return their ice picks (Gerald said he had to go home because he had forgot his gerbils, General Vickie and Tanita, and he didn't want to deal with cranky pets when he got home because he was still recovering from his wounds from the last time). They went back and forth between buying and returning ice picks five and a half times (would this make them quantum shoppers to observers outside the store?) before Ned Enfeeblishment-Raye, Vice President, Steadicams and Heady Scams, MultiNatCorp ("We do stealthy retail stuff"), ordered the store closed for the day.
"I know that, being the end of August, we were already a couple of weeks into the Christmakwanzukkah season," Enfeeblishment-Raye observed, "so we should have been prepared for the consumer...enthusiasm. "But with that many ice picks going in and out of the system, other customers were unable to make their purchases. It was either close the store or cause a scene, and I'm just a humble Vice President, not a Director!"
What happened with those 151 (Gerald never did return - we hope the gerbils didn't put him into the hospital - our thoughtlessness and prayers are with you, Gerald!) people? Were they suffering from mass indecisiveness? Was an inept hypnotist picking random strangers in the neighbourhood to practice on? And if so, why didn't he suggest they act like chickens like any normal practitioner of his craft? "I ain't no chicken, spring or otherwise!" said 84 year-old Flora Faunanendiaz, one of the people buying/returning ice picks. "This...'store' allows ICES to prepare to jump Missoula residents. I'm not okay with that. So, some friends I just met and I decided to hit them where it hurts: right in the gluteus pocketbookicus!"
Oh. So, it's a protest, then.
"Damn straight it is!" Faunanendiaz enthused.
Too bad. An errant hypnotist would have been far more newsworthy. Not to mention entertaining.
I asked Faunanendiaz why she used scare quotes around the word store when the MultiMaxiMegaMart was clearly a store, and a massive one at that.
"Contempt," she cheerfully sneered.
"Yes, we let the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service stage their raids in our stores and parking lots," Enfeeblishment-Raye cheerfully admitted. "But I want to assure the public that it has nothing to do with politics. MultiNatCorp is an ecumenical public business that does not take sides in political squabbles. No, we're doing it entirely for the money. You would be amazed at how much money the Department of Homeland Insecurity is paying us to let them use our space!"
"That's supposed to make it 'better‽'" Faunanendiaz snorted. I could smell the scare quotes from a mile away.
Why ice picks? Did they harken back to a time when dictators used the sharp-edged tools to eliminate their opponents? Oh, my Gord, was this a veiled threat of physical violence against MultiMaxiMegaMart management‽ Did activism just cross the line into terrorism‽
"Naah," Faunanendiaz told me. "They were just the cheapest thing in the store. A lot of us are on pensions - do you think we could buy snowmoverarounders or rotisserie goats?"
Enfeeblishment-Raye didn't seem concerned about the possible threat. "Vice Presidents are a dime a dozen, easily replaced," he stated. "If my time has come, it will have been an honour to serve my corporation."
He went on to say that MultiMaxiMegaMart, Inc. (a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp - you didn't think Enfeeblishment-Raye was freelancing for this article, did you?) was in negotiations with ICES to have their agents patrol its stores so something like this did not happen again. "We feel that since they're staging at our stores, they should be able to spare an agent or two to keep us in business. They argue that they're paying us enough that we can afford private security to do that work."
Rubbing his hands together, Enfeeblishment-Raye enthused, "This is the sort of negotiation that makes a Vice President's life so fulfilling!"