by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People/Pop Culture Writer
Karen Fierrationallie (white) had a meltdown at the order counter of a Bob So Tasty burger when the girl taking her order (black) told her that they were just mixing a new batch of special sauce and it would take an extra three minutes for her food to be ready. Fierrationallie tried to make a paper airplane out of the game page lining her tray, quickly got frustrated, and threw the wadded sheet of paper at the order taker's head, all the while screaming things like, "You [BLEEP]ing piece of horse [BLEEP]! We don't want [BLEEPITY] [BLEEP] [BLEEP]'s like you in our [BLEEP]ing country!"
Of course the encounter was recorded. Of course the video was posted to social media. Of course it went fungal.
Three minutes later, Fierrationallie appeared on the Gimme Money web site, claiming that she had lost her job because of what had happened at the Bob So Tasty restaurant, and now how was she going to be able to feed her seven cats, four dogs and mongoose? "It's not right," she complained in a video where she asked for people's support. "I mean, how is it fair that I lost my job and had my life ruined just because I'm a racist with poor impulse control?"
Apparently, many Vesampuccerians agree: to date, her Gimme Money page has raised $11,327.34.
It's wonderful that this story has a happy ending. Except that's not the end.
There is no such person as Karen Fierrationallie. The person claiming to be her is actually Antonella Squirmivermicel, an unemployed waitress who was forced to work acting gigs to make ends meet. Her temper tantrum was staged; a couple of her friends were sitting in the restaurant with their phones out to ensure that the encounter would be recorded. The Gimme Money page had been produced a week before the encounter, so it was ready to go live the moment the video was processed and uploaded. Squirmivermicel was still white, for what that's worth.
"Gimme a second just to make sure the money has been transferred to my bank a - okay," Squirmivermicel said, "what do you want to know?"
Squirmivermicel is a pioneer in the occupation of "professional racist." In addition to playing Fierrationallie, she has acted as Karen Graffensteinbeckler verbally abusing a woman in a hijab standing in a line outside a polling booth for a special election, Karen Fifiefofaren verbally abusing an Asian woman walking past an abortion clinic, and Karen Bilblixenbeyond verbally abusing a random Sikh wearing a turban walking down the street (it was an early improvisation, and she was still perfecting her technique). All of these roles were accompanied by a Gimme Money page that raised over $10,000.
"Don't get me wrong. In real life, I'm not a racist," Squirmivermicel assured me. "But a girl has to do whatever she can to keep body and soul together, know what I mean?"
I bit back a response, not wanting to be the subject of Squirmivermicel's next Gimme Money campaign.
"I don't know what appalls me more," commented Pulippitzaner Prize winning Washburningdington Post contributor Eugene Robinsoncrusoe, "the fact that people are so willing to spew their hatred in such a public way, or the fact that hundreds of people are willing to support them when they are faced with the consequences of their actions." After a moment's reflection, he went on: "Aww, who am I kidding? I have enough appall in me to give both groups of people all of the appallation that they deserve! And believe me, brother, it's plenty!"
I asked Squirmivermicel if this was a sustainable business model over the long term. "Gord, no!" she answered. "I take waitressing night classes to perfect my craft. I hope to be a working waitress in a couple of years, making enough money so I don't have to do this any more."
Going through Squirmivermicel's campaigns, I noticed that one group she didn't confront was Jews. I asked her if she was saving them for something special.
"Gord, no!" Squirmivermicel snorted. "Jews are tricky because so many evangelicals pretend to love them. The Professional Racist Best Practices Manual says it isn't worth the risk of alienating our racist base."
There is a Professional Racist Best Practices Manual‽ "Of course," Squirmivermicel told me. "You wouldn't want a bunch of people without any grounding in sound racist practice running around confronting people. That would just be chaos!"