by TAMMY, Alternate Reality Kidz News Service Life is so Unfair Writer
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf beamed as Gerald Putnamblarniestonne talked about how great his foreign policy was and how much he deserved the Peace Prize Gerald was about to bestow on him. Grey House Ghoul-Adviser Stephen Siewnottmillertyme glared at the children sitting at their desks (apparently, this was his attempt at looking warm and unthreatening). Commerce Secretary Howard Slutnickotiemowt also stood near the President, grinning like somebody who didn't know any better (although a look in the corner of his eyes suggested that his brain was frantically trying to get him to consider what had gone so horribly wrong with his life that he had ended up here).
Eventually impatience got the better of the President, so he grabbed the Peace Prize ribbon out of nine year-old Gerald's hand and put it around his own neck. "Hey!" Gerald protested. "That's rude!"
When Siewnottmillertyme growled at him, Gerald accused him of being "super-rude." When Slutnickotiemowt patted him on the head, he muttered as Misses Sfpizzbizzembeckie, his teacher, ushered him back to his seat: "That was the rudest of them all! I liked the creepy looking guy growling at me much better!"
Once things settled down, President McDruhitmumpf embarked on a speech thanking Martin Luther KilemanjarringBob E. Leeleesobiesk Elementary School for bestowing upon him the great honour of Misses Sfpizzbizzembeckie's Fourth Grade Home Room Peace Prize. A minute into the speech, his thoughts were diverted around a four car pile-up in his cerebral cortex, and he started musing about why there aren't more smart female journalists in the Grey House press corps. A minute and a half after that, his thoughts flew off a cliff and landed on the question of whether it would be more humane to send his Dumbopratic enemies to Mars without provisions and let them fend for themselves, or execute them by penguin inhalation on 5th Avenue.
Siewnottmillertyme grinned, a hideous expression that made most of the children in the room queasily look away; he had finally found something in the President's remarks that he could relate to. Slutnickotiemowt grimaced and gave the President an unconvincing thumbs up with both hands.
This is the fourth Peace Prize awarded to President McDruhitmumpf in the last six weeks. "None of them may be as prestigious as the Nobelthingido Peace Prize they gave to Barry Hussein Bushbamclintreagbush," the President said in a separate interview. "But I have more of them. So I win. You can't argue with numbers - they're real, not imaginary.* I have four Peace Prizes, he only has one - that means I have 4,000 times the number of Peace Prizes!"
The first was the FIFA (the International Federation of Football Association"**) Peace Prize. In his acceptance speech, the President said, "I hate sports. Sports where there isn't a lot of blood, I mean. But I'm warming to the whole football thing. The rest of the world calls it football. Even the shithole countries. Imagine that! Sometimes, I get it confused with Vesampuccerian football. Maybe we should call the Vesampuccerian sport something different. You don't want to confuse somebody with the nuclear codes, would you? That wouldn't be smart. Okay? Okay."
The Second was the Predominant Galactic Studios Studios Peace Prize, which was given to the President in a ceremony outside Growlman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood. Could his have had anything to do with the studio's hostile takeover bid for Los Bros Warner Discovery? "No, no, no, no, no," said Predominant Galactic CEO David Ellisonofgord. "We believe that President McDruhitmumpf is a prince of peace - distant from the throne - I mean, like, dozens of heirs away - but connected, nonetheless. I'm sure, now that we have acknowledged this, he will bring satisfactory peace between Us and Netflux."
So, no self-interest there.
Finally (in terms of my list, not the order in which they were awarded, because it was third - sorry for my confusion), was Billy-Bob Cratchitdontscratchit's Peace Prize, which was handed to the President in a field of rotting soy beans. This time, he was accompanied by Treasury Secretary Scott Bessentintohel, whose smile expressed concern for the safety of his $1,000 Gucci shoes, and Grey House SpokesBarbie Karoline Kleavittbelievitt, whose smile wondered what horrible things she must have done in past lives to bring her here.
Did Cratchitdontscratchit offer the Peace Prize to the President to spur him to help farmers who are suffering because of his trade policies? "A-yup," he stated.
So, no self-int - umm, okay, maybe a little self-interest there.
"It is an honour to be standing in this field of wheat to accept this wonderful Peace Prize from one of the farmers who is thriving under my economic policies," President McDruhitmumpf beamed after snatching the medal out of Cratchitdontscratchit's hands and putting it around his own neck. Twenty minutes into his acceptance speech, he started talking about how the Nobelthingido Committee always hated him because he was so handsome he stole its girlfriend away from it when they were teenagers. An hour and 45 minutes into the speech, the President was talking about how windmills were conspiring to steal the 2028 election from him. He would be there acceptance speechifying still, except Cratchitdontscratchit could no longer afford his electricity bills, and it gets awfully dark in Minnenois after the sun sets.
Honestly, President McDruhitmumpf acts like a generative AI with an orange tan and bottomless pit of need for approval.
* Except the ones that are imaginary, but let's not spoil President McDruhitmumpf's moment, okay?
** I know the acronym doesn't quite do the full name justice, but if you're going to cut President McDruhitmumpf some slack, you may as well do the same for me!