by TINA LOLLOCADENKA, Alternate Reality News Service Music Writer
And then there were three.
Only Israel, the United States and Germany remain in the 2026 Eurotunnelvision music contest. Ordinarily, this would be because contestants from other countries had been eliminated. As it happens, the competition doesn't start for another five weeks. No, the reason for the small number is that all of the other European countries (and France) have withdrawn.
"One in three," mused Adenauer von Ribboncutter, lead yodeller of the German alpine trash metal trio Der Kaiser's Ensemble. "I like those odds! This might finally be the year alpine trash metal breaks through to the world!"
"Why did so many countries withdraw from a competition that is beloved around the world?" mused Eurotunnelvision Executive Supervisor Martin Österdahlailam. "Who can say, really?"
"Gaza," answered a representative of Spain's sponsoring broadcaster.
"Gaza," answered a representative of The Netherlands' sponsoring broadcaster.
"Gaza," answered a representative of Belgium's sponsoring broadcaster.
"Genocide," answered a representative of Ireland's sponsoring broadcaster.
"Oh, well, they aren't necessarily -"
"The genocide, I mean, perpetrated by that shite state of Israel," the representative of Ireland's sponsoring broadcaster clarified. "In Gaza."
"Oh. Perhaps they are unified, then," Executive Supervisor Österdahlailam allowed.
"Sad to see much antisemitism in the world," Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanhoohayu, looking not so much sad as gleeful bordering on giddy, stated. "But then, we are talking about Europe..."
When I asked him what the red substance he had been busy wiping off his hands while talking to me was, he responded: "Ketchup. When I eat freedom fries, it's a full body experience!"
"It is really unfortunate that participating countries - previously participating countries, I mean - felt this way," Executive Supervisor Österdahlailam commented. "Eurotunnelvision has always been a celebration of musical excellence. It was never meant to be...political."
"Not political?" said Irish singer Bonobomonkey. "Not bloody political? The last time Israel was allowed to participate in Eurotunnelvision, their entrant played a song called, 'Kill All Palestinians!' It doesn't get any more political than that!"
"With kindness," Executive Supervisor Österdahlailam argued. "The Israeli Ministry of Good Vibes and Antisemitic Accusations assured us that the song was about killing Palestinians with kindness."
"The lyrics of the song contain 239 references to bumbs, bullets and penguins, and it's only two minutes, 37 seconds long!" Bonobomonkey shouted. "Are you a bleedin' idjit, or do you think I am‽ If it was any more political, it would be a three term incumbent with no credible opponent in the upcoming election!"
"Some people just can't take yes for an answer," Executive Supervisor Österdahlailam sighed.
"I must say, it is rather amusing that one tries to argue that the Eurotunnelvision Song Competition isn't political," said Peter Smith-Smythe-Smyth-Smithee, Executive Commissioner Adjutant to the Commanding Officer of the Crown of Great Britain's Entry Committee. "Italians slag artists from Poland. The Poles slag artists from Belgium. And everybody slags the artists from Germany. Even the Germans. It's ultra-nationalism with a beat you can dance to. Except for German alpine trash metal!"
"As von Clauswitzerfire truly said," Bonobomonkey muttered, "'Music competitions are war by other means.' Because he wasn't a bleedin' idjit!"
"Okay, maybe...a little politics has crept into the contest," Executive Supervisor Österdahlailam ungraciously allowed. "A very small amount. Around the edges. When we weren't looking. So little it's hardly worth commenting upon, really. But Eurotunnelvision wasn't always political."
When asked when the contest wasn't political, he hastily replied: "1944."
The last time I checked, the Jewish homeland wasn't in Europe, by the express wishes of the European powers who decided the fate of Jewish survivors of World War the Big One. Why, given that it isn't even in Europe, is Israeli industrial klezmer artist Schlomo Carlrickenbacher even in the contest? According to Executive Supervisor Österdahlailam, Europeans voted en masse to allow the entry.
Yeah. About that. What about evidence that Israel poured a lot of money into a campaign to influence Eurpeans to vote en masse to allow the entry, which is explicitly against the rules? Executive Supervisor Österdahlailam waved a dismissive hand (good thing it wasn't a magical gesture, or I would now be out of a job, being a newt with poor typing skills) and said, "They're enthusiastic. And how could anybody blame them? It would be good for their international image to be part of Eurotunnelvision."
Un hunh. And how is it that the Duchy of Grand Fenwick was barred from competing in Eurotunnelvision when it invaded Ukraine, but Israel's genocide in Gaza does not disqualify it, even though Israel has killed far more people? You don't need 20/25 vision to see a double standard there, right?
Executive Supervisor Österdahlailam darkly muttered, "You're the reason Europe can't have nice things!"