by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Fascism is not just about the leaders who make policies and explain to the masses how they benefit from those policies even when they don't. Especially when they don't. It takes thousands and thousands of lower level functionaries the masses are never likely to have heard of to make fascism function. In its dysfunctional way. It's kind of in the job title. This is one of their stories.
"Mister Siewnottmillertyme likes his coffee like he likes his worldview: black as coal. Black as darkest night. Black as...something really, really black. You get the idea," Anna-Marie Mayflowerpower told me as she rushed through the corridors of the Grey House so quickly that it seemed amazing that her hair didn't stand on end thanks to the friction of her feet on the carpet, a steaming cup of coffee in one hand, her cellphone offering her a constant stream of news articles, health tips and quotes from The 12 27 43 Habits of Successful People (Updated From Last Week Edition) in the other.
"One time," she confided, "the barista was distracted and accidentally put a few grains of sugar into the coffee. I won't be making that mistake again!" Mayflowerpower stopped to brush long blond hair off the left side of her face, revealing mottled skin that had obviously started an argument that it shouldn't have with a hot liquid about which was the more powerful. Quickly letting her hair fall back in place and beginning to walk again, she explained without emotion: "I'm now Mister Siewnottmillertyme's unofficial beverage taster. If you were wondering why I never wear lipstick, that's the reason."
As it happened, I wasn't wondering. And her statement didn't actually explain anything. Fortunately, I don't have to understand, I only have to report.
Anna-Marie isn't actually descended from one of Vesampucceri's colonizer settler families. Her original family surname was Maringayfarfeug; when, several generations earlier, her ancestor made the first family fortune building a laxative mining empire, he anglicized the name. Having diversified its portfolio since then, today the Mayflowerpower family is the sixth richest in Texalina.
Having graduated from McDruhitmumpf University (formerly Harvatyeblackgaurd) with a law degree, Anna-Marie had planned on joining her uncle Infernio's firm and settling into a steep upward trajectory. When her parents encouraged her to take a year off to explore politics as an option, her first response was, "As if! That's a year I'll lose on the other lawyers graduating in my class!" But the possibility grew on her, especially when her father Malgracious reminded the president of how much he had invested in McDruhitmumpfcoin (he was never going to win the competition to sit at the golden table with the president, but he had placed a respectable seventeenth), earning her a coveted spot as Stephen Siewnottmillertyme's Administrative Assistant (basically, an intern, but with fewer legal protections).
Intrigued, Anna-Marie only went kicking, not screaming, to her first day on the job.
Anna-Marie claimed that she had learned a lot from her Admin Asship. She had seen her boss throw a stapler at an aid who made the mistake of saying that he loved Colombians (he actually said he enjoyed watching the TV show Columbolino, but this taught her to never admit a mistake). Once, Siewnottmillertyme threw a cactus, pot and all, at Vice President JD Onvancewarpedtur for focusing on how much mascara he wore in public appearances (which taught her not to respect the chain of command when somebody above you is a moron). In a Cabinet meeting, her boss threw a string of paper airplanes at Commerce Secretary Howard Slutnickotiemowt (which taught her that sometimes you have to do something just because it's fun).
"Of course, in addition to the individual lessons, I have come away from my time with Mister Siewnottmillertyme having learned a fundamental lesson," Anna-Marie stated. Do tell? "Rage is a muscle. If you don't constantly exercise it, it gets flabby. Nobody will obey the commands of somebody with a flabby rage muscle - Kevin McCartilagebreak sure learned that lesson the hard way!"
Judging by childhood photos (hey! - I'm not the one who should be judged, here! I didn't steal a family photo album - I just looked at her Instasoup page!), Anna-Marie was not born a blond, but she had aspired to be one since she was four years old. "Blond isn't just a hair colour," she explained, "its a state of mind. And my mind was laser-focused on success!"
Did the fact that tall, skinny but busty blondes were the type most associated with the administration of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf put her off the position? "What part of 'laser-focused on success' did you not understand? Lasers just focuses beams of light. Success is doing whatever you have to to scramble over the corpses of your enemies to reach the summit of your profession. It's really not that hard to get!"
After a brief pause, Anna-Marie beamed. "If my time with Mister Siewnottmillertyme has taught me nothing else, it's that to succeed in Vesampuccerian politics, one must have complete and harsh disdain for mainstream media. How'd I do?"
I told her that I totally believed her. I probably should have been offended by the harsh disdain with which she spoke to me, but I was too proud that she considered me part of the mainstream media to care.