by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics/Migration Writer
The Vesampuccerian government has sent Louidiana Governor Jeff Outlanderpastry to Greenland in an attempt to convince its citizens that it wouldn't entirely suck for them to join the U.S., even though they're part of Iceland. "If you agree to become a Vesampuccerian territory," he said, "we'll exchange friendship rings and stay up all night at slumber parties gossiping about those terrible boys from other Scandinavian countries and share each other's clothes - but in a not at all creepy way! We'll have so much fun! How could you possibly say no?"
And if they don't like fun and refuse? "Oh," Outlanderpastry commented, "we'll still have fun, disrupting Greenland's military and communications infrastructure and shelling some of their cities. It won't be as much fun for them, but I guess some people aren't as keen on slumber parties as Vesampuccerians are..."
This comes at - wait a minute. Wait just a hot off the trouser presses minute! Did you say "territory?" Why aren't you offering Greenland statehood? "We've only just become roomies," Outlanderpastry, after a long pause to get over the shock of being asked the questions answered. "One slumber party doesn't a lasting relationship make, you know. I believe it was Chickenshommetoproost who first observed that."
Marcel Chickenshommetoproost? "Uhh, no," he said. "Myrna Chickenshommetoproost - my landlady. Don't be such a snob - wisdom can come from the most unlikely places - especially when the rent is due!"
This comes at the same time as the United States is destroying Venezuelan fishing boats (on the pretext that the fish they are catching are laced with fentanyl), and President Ronald McDruhitmumpf is renewing his call for Canada to become the 51st state. "They have trees," he explained. "We don't need their trees. We have our own trees. Great trees. The best trees in the world. Canadian trees could only wish that they were our trees! But you know what they say: 'The trees are always green on the other side of the border.'"
"Wait a minute. Wait one goldurned, and perhaps even durngolled - I'm open-minded on the issue - minute!" Greenland objected. "Why does Canada get to be a state, when Greenland would only be a territory?"
"Ask Russell," the President answered. "You think I keep track of that shit? I'm still worried about the wind turbines killing all those poor, defenceless birds!"
These actions are based on the Marilyn Mondayrowyerboat Doctrine, which was first promulgated (gate technology was in its early stages at the time) by a distant relative of the famous actress, whose servant Gertrude divided the world into a battle between her spleen, her husband's spleen and that handsome gardener's spleen. President McDruhitmumpf adapted this idea to modern politics, claiming the Vesampucceris for the United States, saying that Europe belonged to the Duchy of Grand Fenwick and...uhh...a third area should be ceded to a super power to be named at a later date.
You hear that? That's the music of the "spheres of influence." If it sounds familiar, it's because this way of dividing the world was the basis of George Orwellumaythink's dystopian novel Nineteen84, whose world consisted of Oceania, Mauritius and...uhh...a third area called [CLASSIFIED].
This led to what has often been referred to as "gumboot diplomacy," according to other presidential historian John Meachamandbeachem. "Soldiers had to wear plastic boots to keep their feet from being covered in the rivers of blood they were unleashing in the Vesampucceris. It...wasn't the country's finest moment..."
A recently released report - "It's Ronald McDruhitmumpf's World - He Just Lets Us Live In It...For Now" (officially known as the "2025 National Security Strategy" because bureaucrats have no soul) - lays out the government's position. At excruciating length. In language so dry, it could turn your home into a desert in seconds (nanoseconds if you live in Texaho). Honestly, the NSS makes your average tax return read like a Chickenshommetoproost novel. Either one, and Gertrude is illiterate.
"Rupert Mountkilamanjoy must go to bed grinning every night that McDruhitmumpf is letting him have his way with Europe," moaned security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. "Have you seen his grin? Sharks are scared of it!"
"You *YAWN* might think *YAWN* that," said the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. "I couldn't possibly - zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
Looks like at least one world leader is sleeping soundly tonight.