SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
Earth Prime 1-6-7-4-8-2 dash Psi, three doors down from Earth Prime 1-6-7-1-8-2 dash Psi, is exactly the same, with one exception: the Reduhblicans have succeeded in implementing Plan 2025 From Outer Space, including making Vesampucceri a white, Christian nation. How's that working out for those who weren't escorted off the premises by armed ruffians wearing badges and enough Velcro to secure them to the top of the Umpire State Building?
To explore this question, the Alternate Reality News Service convened a special panel of ordinary citizens. It is made up of: Bitemecoin billionaire Hubert Bestofallpossible...who, okay, isn't that ordinary, if it comes to that, but he was eager to talk and available, two qualities we value highly. [For now. BB-G] In any case, there's also: Jeremiah Oldschoolfishmonger, a former farmer who now works in a Taco Tummy restaurant; Ida Tarnawandaha, a mother of 12, five of whom survived the first year of their lives; Francis Saint-Bannerofflyte, the former famous (for some degree of fame) bass guitarist for the sloth metal band Undead Bedhead, who now parks cars; and Lindsey Hoohadediment, race car driver, drug mule, dreamer. The panel (don't know why the headline called it a forum - the ARNS AI must be having bad dreams again) was moderated by Editrix-in-Chief Brenda Brundtland-Govanni.
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Are we really doing this again? I would have thought the complaints from the fire department - not to mention the Hague - would have put an end to - okay. Wishful thinking on my part. I see that now. Let's try to make this as painless - and crimes against humanity-free - as possible. So, tell me: you happy with what the McDruhitmumpf administration has done with your place?
HUBERT BESTOFALLPOSSIBLE: Happy? If I were any happier, I'd be a pinata that dropped Maseratis and BMWs when it burst! This -
LINDSEY HOOHADEDIMENT: That doesn't sound like much fun for those of us underneath you, man.
BESTOFALLPOSSIBLE: But you're a vital part of my happiness.
HOOHADEDIMENT: (excited) We are?
BESTOFALLPOSSIBLE: Absolutely. You cushion the falls of the cars so that we don't have to drive off with luxury vehicles with flat tires or scratched chrome fenders.
HOOHADEDIMENT: (disappointed) Oh.
BESTOFALLPOSSIBLE: Yes, this is what I voted for! And paid for the campaigns of Congresspeople for! And took Extreme Court Justices on all expenses paid vacations for! Mustn't forget the Extremes! And contributed to the Heritage Froundation for! It's morning in Vesampucceri, and I wanna tuck into the best breakfast money can buy!
FRANCIS SAINT-BANNEROFFLYTE: Uhh...what was the question, again? I was so captivated by the self-interest that I kind of forgot...
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: (through gritted teeth) Are. You. Happy. With. The. McDruhitmumpf. Administration?
SAINT-BANNEROFFLYTE: Oh. You bet. I mean, I lost my job, and the benefits I get from the state of South Alabamolina wouldn't buy me a Burly Buster Burger at Bob So Tasty more than once a month, but at least I don't have to stand in line at the food bank with a bunch of [RACIAL EPITHET DELETED]s! I totally voted for that!
JEREMIAH OLDSCHOOLFISHMONGER: I, uhh, voted for this. I guess. Farming is a hard life, the margins so thin you would swear they were invisible, so I guess I should be grateful that I no longer have to do it. I feel so *SOB* free now that I don't have to work 16 hour days, or keep up the mortgage payments on the property that has been in my family for generations! I'm grateful that I have a very comfortable sleeping bag, and thanks to Global Hot as Hellification and heating grates, winters are surprisingly survivable.
IDA TARNAWANDAHA: Please make it stop. For the love of Gord, make it stop!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: (checks watch) O-kay. Seven hundred words sure flies by quickly, doesn't it? I'd like to thank -
BESTOFALLPOSSIBLE: That's it?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Looks to me like we're done, here.
BESTOFALLPOSSIBLE: One question? That isn't a forum! It's barely a fo!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Fiiiiiiiine! But if we get a visit from Interpol, it's on you! (pause as she composes herself) Do you have any regrets? I have plenty, but I'm saving them for my memoirs. Do any of you regret voting for Ronald McDruhitmumpf?
BESTOFALLPOSSIBLE: I'm sorry McDruhitmumpf didn't become president sooner!
SAINT-BANNEROFFLYTE: I'm sorry I didn't run for Congress when the band was popular, man. Talk about job security!
OLDSCHOOLFISHMONGER: I'm sorry I wasn't nicer to my migrant workers when I had my farm. I get odd fruit picking jobs now - who knew there were so many odd fruits in the world? - and I gotta tell ya, it's hard work! My back has never hurt so much, and I was at the bottom of a 14 car pile-up! I wouldn't necessarily have paid them more - thin profit margins and all that. I'm thinking more gold stars for workers of the week. I know I would be grateful for one right about now.
HOOHADEDIMENT: Regret is the handmaiden of grotesque fish scales.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: (smirks) Do you regret saying that?
HOOHADEDIMENT: Are you messing with my head?
TARNAWANDAHA: I regret being born.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: (looks at her watch and shakes her head) Okay, last question. Ronald -
BESTOFALLPOSSIBLE: But we're only getting started!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: You know what I love about slapping gloves? They are truly democratic - they'll connect with anybody's skin! May I continue?
BESTOFALLPOSSIBLE: Erm...
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Ronald McDruhitmumpf is running for a fifth term at the age of 95 even though he hasn't been seen in public for over a year, his communications coming entirely through social media and AI-generated video that has portrayed him as, among other things, an astronaut, a soldier and a rodeo clown. How do we know the video was AI-generated? The President has six fingers, or four eyes or, in one memorable State of the Disunion Address, two heads. Given this, how would you rate his leadership?
BESTOFALLPOSSIBLE: A mil -
HOOHADEDIMENT: To be an effective leader, one must be willing to clip the wings of the fruitbat on live TV.
OLDSCHOOLFISHMONGER: You hadda sit me next to this guy?
BESTOFALLPOSSIBLE: A million out of ten! Seriously, best president in the history of...history! Even his bloated corpse is - hee hee - will be a better president than anybody the Dumboprats can run!
OLDSCHOOLFISHMONGER: You hadda put me on this panel?
HOOHADEDIMENT: Sarcasm is the last refuge of the golf pro.
OLDSCHOOLFISHMONGER: No, a punch on the nose is the last refuge of - whatever. Would you like me to demonstrate?
SAINT-BANNEROFFLYTE: I'm just so tired. So very, very tired...