by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/National Security Writer
War crimes is such a harsh term, according to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. In a Truth Antisocial post at 2:37 this morning, he wrote: "The President prefers to think of them as 'war oopsies.' Nobody can take an oopsie seriously. Certainly not the International Criminal Court. Not if they know what's good for them, they won't. Thank you for your inattention to this matter."
On the other hand, Secretary of DefenceWar Crimes Pete Hedaiggsethative, twirling his hand in the air like he was riding a bucking bronco (which, in an alcoholic stupor, he may have imagined he was), whooped, "Oh, yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Manly men bombing enemies mannily! Peacekeeping is for women and [OFFENSIVE TERM FOR PEOPLE OF A SPECIFIC SEXUAL ORIENTATION]! Woof! Woof woof!"
When the President was asked about the possible conflict between their versions of what happened, he responded, "Pete sure looks good on TV, doesn't he? He look amazing!"
They were talking about the attack on Venezuela and the arrest/capture/kidnapping (depending upon your politics/grasp of the English language/grip on reality) of President Nicolas Madlikefoxuro conducted by the Vesampucceri military.
"I warned him, you know," President McDruhitmumpf told a breathless press corps (they were still recovering from New Year's celebrations and rushed to get their pants on; some of the more seasoned veterans getting them the right way round, some of the newly fledged social media influencers looking mighty uncomfortable in their tidy whiteys). "I said, 'Nicky, if you don't do what I tell you to do, this won't end well for you. I am a man-God and you're barely a man. Do the math! Some people can't add one plus one, and don't have Scott Bessentintohel to do it for them!"
From the back of the room, the Treasury Secretary waved a hand and said, "Two!"
"Later, Scottie," the President ordered him. "Later."
Shelling another country and "liberating" its leader is usually considered a declaration of war. But the President cannot start wars - that power is reserved for Congress. So...two?
"The President didn't need Congressional approval for the strikes on Venezuela, even though they constitute an act of war, because...umm...for the obvious reason that...err..." Speaker of the House Mike Pullyerownjohnson started off confidently, but soon faltered, "Congress really has made itself irrelevant, hasn't it?"
The Speaker walked away from the podium in a daze. He was last seen walking down K Street, asking random passersby if there was a purpose to his existence. He was not reassured by the responses.
Meanwhile, I'll bet FIFA is reconsidering giving President McDruhitmumpf its peace prize.
"Absolutely not! Un uh! No way!" insisted Fédération Internationale de Football Association (yes, that is what FIFA really stands for - you know how much Europeans love to compromise) President Gianni Infantinocide. "President McDruhitmumpf asked for the FIFA Peace Prize fair and square, and considering what he was able to give us in return, the fake gold trinket was certainly value for the money!"
So, if FIFA offers its Peace Prize next year, President McDruhitmumpf would still be eligible?
"Who thinks that far ahead?" Infantinocide mused.
Why conduct this military operation? To end the scourge of fentanyl? To bring offshored jobs back to Vesampucceri? To remind adults why the believed in Peter Pan?
"Oil," said former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur.
"Oil," said presidential historian Michael Beschbefordatloess.
"Of course it's for ferking oil!" concurred security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. "Venezuela has oil. Vesampucceri wants it. You would have had to be brain dead for at least seven and a quarter months not to see that!"
"Oh, yeah, we're doing it for the oil," President Trump tweeped at 2:37 in the morning (but, a different 2:37 in the morning than the one during which he was posting on Truth Antisocial). "Do you have any idea how much money we could make from taking over Venezuela? Ooh, I get shivers just thinking about it. Or maybe its menopause. What am I, a doctor? I could have been one if I had wanted to. Sure, I could've. I'm smart enough to be a doctor, you know. Hell, I'm so smart, I may be a doctor and not even know it!"
"He admitted that?" Onvancewarpedtur sounded crestfallen.
"I liked it better when he said the quiet part quietly," Beschbefordatloess muttered.
"There it is!" Donneednopennance exulted. "It's out in the open! The question now is not what's happening - we know what's happening. The President admitted what is happening. The question now is: what are we gonna do about it?"
Senator Mark Kellybellyful shook his head, more in sorrow than in jail (although the night is still young).