by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Nobody ever went broke betting on the bottomless propensity of human beings to throw their money away chasing dreams of instant unearned wealth. Blind meerkats with an irrational fear of poker chips have successfully run casinos, even if they wouldn't come out of their carriers. You'd have to be a complete fool to bankrupt a casino.
Ronald McDruhitmumpf is just such a fool.
The McDruhitmumpf Casino Canaan (nobody calls it Gaza any more - at least, nobody who wants to avoid a long prison stay) has asked an Israeli court to allow it to proceed with bankruptcy. This is not the fastest bankruptcy of a McDruhitmumpf-branded property; that distinction belongs to the McDruhitmumpf Taj Mahal, which existed for a year before having to go through the painful restructuring process. On the other hand, it hasn't lasted the longest, either; that distinction belongs to the McDruhitmumpf Plaza Hotel and Casino, which hung on for eight years. Does a combination hotel/casino/future FBI money laundering investigation target have fingernails? If so, that's what it was hanging on by.
Nobody ever accused the President of being a fast learner.
What's President McDruhitmumpf's secret? "Clean living and a positive outlook on life," claimed token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. After a few seconds of stunned silence, she brightly laughed and continued, "If you could only see the look on your face!" After a couple more seconds of irritated silence, she added, "Okay, granted, this is a phone interview, so I can't see the look on your face, either. But I sure can hear it!"
The token smart person went on to explain that two major flaws in President McDruhitmumpf's character contributed to his latest casino casualty. On the one hand, he hired staff who were loyal to him rather than having casino experience; it took months for anybody to realize that blackjack dealers thought the bettor won if they had a jack of clubs or spades, and that people who ran craps tables thought the name meant they had to say, "Aww, crap, you win again," whenever anybody rolled the dice.
The second problem was that most of the staff were as corrupt as the President is, but this didn't come to light for a very long time because the casino's financial records had an only passing resemblance to reality (they did contain numbers, and they got the name of the casino mostly right). How bad were the books? They showed President McDruhitmumpf taking "a million gabillion dollars" in "I don't have to explain to you where the money is going" fees while only spending $29.99 on the line item "electricity."
"Sound familiar?" token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam quipped.
Isn't this fraud?
"Fraud is the fourteenth dirtiest word in the English language," smarmed Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanhoohayu. "When a president does it, it is merely ‘previously unbudgeted executive compensation.' When a pit boss or dealer does it, it is ‘a long stretch of involuntary detention.'"
When I asked him what some of the dirtier words in the English language were, Prime Minister Netanhoohayu barked, "What do I look like? A dictionary?"
By way of contrast, the Hashem Hilton, built by President McDruhitmumpf's son-in-law Jared Kushkushinthebush, is doing booming business. This lush resort on the Mediterranean Sea offers snorkelling, a day spa, a night spa, an early the next morning spa and a 500 seat movie thea -
[Alex! Is this an infotisement? Because I keep meticulous books, and I don't recall the Hashem Hilton paying us for an infotisement! So stop giving them one! Because even Mossad won't be able to save you from my slapping gloves if you don't! Editrix-in-Chief Brenda Brundtland-Govanni]
"It's the pipes," President McDruhitmumpf rage tweeped at 2:37 in the morning (for somebody whose health has been rumoured to be failing for years, he seems to have all the energy he needs to fuel his voluminous spite). "They make these noises in the middle of the night that keep the guests awake! I know a construction company that can expect lawsuits!"
According to videos taken at the McDruhitmumpf Casino Canaan, what the President is claiming is the rattling of pipes can actually be interpreted as the moaning of hundreds of Palestinians who were killed and buried in mass graves under the edifice.
"Are you accusing President McDruhitmumpf of being insensitive to the suffering of others?" smarmed Prime Minister Netanhoohayu. "Because that would be antisemitic."
But the President isn't Jewish!
"I know," the Prime Minister purred. "That's the worst kind of antisemitism!"