by ALEXANDER BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN, Alternate Reality News Service Sports Writer
The problem with invading other countries is that they are rarely as grateful as they should be. Duchy of Grand Fenwick Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy had to face this unpleasant truth when Ukrainians expressed their displeasure at his invasion of their country by conducting drone strikes that crippled his air force. And Poland, whose guerrillas picked off his troops seemingly at will. And Czechoslovakia. And even France. Some world leaders are slow learners. (France, for Gord's sake!)
Now, it seems to be President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's turn to be schooled.
On the third day of the third annual Ronald McDruhitmumpf Youth Competition and Faithathon, Philip Fergusonspecmag, one of the members of the team from Ontarolina (formerly: Ontario), having just beaten the team from North Carolewan at doubles whiffleball, sweatily shouted, "This one's for Canada!"
Viewers at the Ronald McDruhitmumpf Megastadium and Brewskitoria gasped in shock.
The cheeks of Propaganda Adviser Stephen Siewnottmillertyme grew three sizes redder that day. "How can you be proud of a country that doesn't exist any more‽" he shrieked, which was thoughtful philosophizing when adjusted for Vesampuccerian hyperbole inflation. "It's like...still claiming to be a fan of New Coke long after it went out of production! Ask your...grandparents! It does not compute! Does not compute! Help me, Landru! Help me!"
Siewnottmillertyme suggested the cure he always reached for whenever anybody said anything that displeased President McDruhitmumpf (he was, of course, using the royal "President McDruhitmumpf"): send them to a federal reeducation camp. "In fact," he lowered his voice to a mere screech, "everybody under the age of 16 from Ontarolina needs to go to a federal reeducation camp. They obviously don't know what a blessing it is to live in the greatest country the world has ever known!" After a second's pause, he added: "Vesampucceri! I'm talking about Vesampucceri! Anybody who thought I was talking about any other country, self-report to a federal reeducation camp immediately!"
Unfortunately for Siewnottmillertyme, the Ontarolina team has proven very popular on social media with viewers of the Youth Competition and Faithathon, where fans have called them everything from "The Happy Hosers" to "The Crazy (No Longer) Canucks" to "Tessa and Scott on Stilts!" (Pretty sure that last one was a compliment, although social media can be tricky to parse that way.)
Of the 60 teams of 12 to 16 year-olds (made up of one boy and one girl, as the Good Gord intended), only eight remained at the end of the third day. While the odds-on favourite (endorsed by the President, who went so far as to post on Truth Antisocial at 2:37 in the morning, "Have you seen Finn Macwolfheartofice and Sarah Indulgentpoppop, 'Vesampucceri's Sweet Tarts' from New Texarunswick? Aren't they something? I've never seen two kids with such a command of the paintball...I hate to use the word 'court.' It has negative connotaries. Let's say...area. I've never seen two kids with such a command of the paintball area. They deserve to go all the way! Thank you for your inattention to this matter!"
It didn't help. Team Ontarolina had accumulated so many hearts from adoring fans that you couldn't be criticized for thinking they were the brains behind an underground organ transplant syndicate.
If they are to be defeated, therefore, it will have to be fair and square. Fortunately for him, President McDruhitmumpf is the final arbiter of what is fair (he never does anything square, unless you count his five meals a day, which make him the healthiest man the world has known since Methuselah, as he will tell anybody who is foolish enough to bring the subject up).
In today's rifle competition, Team Ontarolina's live chicken targets were set 50 feet further away from them than those of their competitors, Team Floriscotia (but they seemed the same through the deceptive use of camera angles). Despite this, judges ruled that they had the cleaner kills.
In the 1,000 meter potato relay, the Ontarolinians had to carry a five foot tall mutant spud (grown in Area 42 specifically for problems just like this), even though they had a regulation-sized tablespoon. By skillfully bouncing the killer spud off the spoon, they still managed to win.
"No! No!! No!!! No!!!! Nooooooooo!!!!!" Siewnottmillertyme howled with increasing exclamation. "The competition is supposed to be a celebration of the strength and beauty and utter MREOW of Vesampucceri youth! Our genetically superior youth! I will not allow these...wankers to win!"
Team Ontarolina takes on Team Alabec in the semi-finals tomorrow. May the odd ever be in their favour.