Thank you, Dr. Chris Coroneus, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, you don't have to have ever seen a Planet of the Apes movie to know that they are big and scary and full of teeth. And their poop! So much poop! If you had a monkey as a pet, you'd have to have a litter box the size of a Buick! Assuming they didn't throw their poop all over the place, and, honestly, brown is not a great wallpaper colour. And you'd have to keep your monkey in the house: can you imagine the complaints you'd get from your neighbours the first time you tried to walk it? Can you even walk a monkey? This is exactly the kind of problem we're talking about!
So, no, Barenaked Ladies, we haven't always wanted a monkey!
Enjoy,You May Outgrow Your Childhood Toys, But You Never Outgrow Your Childhood Propaganda
Golda Yacabovitch's Talking Trudy doll went missing for a week. When it returned, it had stopped saying things like, "Don't forget to brush your teeth," and "Mom and dad are trying their best;" it was now saying, "If you're against Israel, you're antisemitic" and "Self-defence is hard!"
What happened? Golda's toy had been taken on Hasbrora, a vacation in Israel in which dolls, robots, trucks, plushies, babies arms holding apples and other toys that speak are programmed with Zionist talking points.
Why would Zionists do this to children's toys? "They think young Jews are against Israel because they see videos of violence in Gaza," said Tammy, the Alternate Reality Kidz News Service Life is so Unfair Writer. "They think this will change their children's minds. Losers."
"I'm too old for a doll who spouts propaganda from a state engaged in genocide," Mary remarked. "I'm almost seven!"
SOURCE: Playtoy Magazine
[http://www.playtoy.com/worldofplaytoy/hmh/news/toys-talk-trash-001.html]
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Did He Say, "Board Of Peace" Or "Board Of Getting A Piece?"
Donald Trump has made his plan for Gaza clear. And when we say his plan for Gaza, we mean his plan for grifting off of Gaza; he still hasn't clarified his plans for actual peace.
The so-called "Board of Peace," which the President will chair, control the membership of, approve decisions for, and oversee the funds o, will charge countries a minimum of $1 billion for a seat. Each seat will come with one (1) pardon for a major crime like murder, or three (3) pardons for a minor crime such as election interference, environmental destruction or fraud. Pardons are non-negotiable and non-transferable.
Quantities are limited, so countries are encouraged to act now. If you buy your seat within the first year, it's permanent; if you wait, it could last a year, it could last 15 minutes. All decisions of the Trump are final.
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1002298833595]
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Poll Dancing...Around The Decline Of Journalism
A new poll of Canadians indicates a lack of trust in old polls of Canadians. Just over 63% of Canadians said old polls were "obvious and boring," while another 18% said old polls were "irrelevant even for the time in which they were taken...and boring." Only 12% of Canadians polled said that polls were "an okay way for newspapers to fill space without doing any actual journalism."
"This is a...an interesting result," said pollster Reggie Rasmussen, who looked like a man who had seen his future and knew that he didn't have much of it to look forward to. "I wonder how long it is before this poll is old enough to merit this kind of reaction..."
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20260112.eladvote0112_@/BNStory/newsOops2026/]
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Security Force Isn't Very NICE!
In the wake of the fatal shooting of Renee Good by an ICE officer, protests against the random violence against American citizens by its security force has intensified, with a greater number of larger protests happening across the country.
"Why is this happening?" President Trump complained in obvious confusion. "If I was a protester and I knew that protesters could be killed, I'd be at home enshittifying my pants! I'd get one of those services - what do you call them? Door Eats or something like that - I'd get one of them to deliver all my food so I wouldn't have to go outside! Why don't these protesters act like real Americans and be afraid? I don't get it."
He went on to talk about windmills and Greenland - or possibly windmills in Greenland, one can never be too sure - and how he brought peace to the Middle East (just pay no attention to the man planning and executing drone strikes who is standing behind the curtain), before doubling back to the protests. "Maybe ICE just hasn't killed enough protesters," he mused. "Yeah. That's it. They aren't violent enough. I need to talk to Kristi about this..."
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/1/11/Artykul/200235,ICE-ICE-Baby]
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Cartoonists Settle:
YOU WANT TO BE: Dilbert
YOU'LL SETTLE FOR BEING: Dogbert
YOU'RE ACTUALLY: The Pointy Headed Boss
Scott Adams tries to draw Satan as the pointy-headed boss, but the paper burns up before he is able to finish the first point. Then, Adams demands that he be given a cave in a whites only section of Hell, and gets into a terrible snit when Satan calmly explains that Hell doesn't work that way. As usual, the studio audience of demons hoots and jeers and generally goads the guest to be on his worst behaviour, which, for Adams, isn't too hard.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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The Public Can Only Watch As American Justice Peters Away...
Tina Peters, Tina Peters,SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/974.html]
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