by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics/Migration Writer
Who currently runs Venezuela?
"Not that Madlikefoxuro bastard, I can tell you that much!" President Ronald McDruhitmumpf exulted in a post on Truth Antisocial at 2:37 in the morning. "That creep kills our kids with kounterfeit kough medicine! Then, he used the money to buy visas for Somalis, telling them Vesampucceri was an all-you-can-eat pet buffet! Mind you, these were not the million dollar visas. No! They were the $9.99 cheapo visas from DollarValuMart!!! Thank you for your inattention to this matter!"
Marķa Corina Machonachodude, who led a coalition opposing Madlikefoxuro in the Venezuelan Parliament and had the support of around 70% of Venezuelans, seemed like a logical choice. Unfortunately, she had two fatal strikes against her. One is that she ran on a platform of rooting corruption out of the government, and how could the Vesampuccerian President make a buck off of
Of equal, if not greater importance, is that Machonachodude had won the Nobelthingido Peace Prize and refused to offer it to President McDruhitmumpf as tribute. The fact that "Not Transferable" was clearly stamped on its underside would not deter the President from proudly displaying it on a mantle in the Octagonal Office, where it would immediately disappear amid all the gaudy gilt. But he would know it was there, and that's all that matters.
"Yeah, no," President McDruhitmumpf posted...also at 2:37 in the morning. "I'm sure she's a lovely woman - I would do her in a second. But her inability to share with other, more deserving people? That makes her a horrible, horrible person who should not be allowed to be in power. Congratulations, honey. You just broke the shit ceiling! Thank you for your inattention to this matter!!"
Delcy Chichirodrigweez, the Vice President under Madlikefoxuro, was chosen to lead the country in his forced absence. The McDruhitmumpf administration seemed perfectly fine with this, even though she and other Venezuelan government officials were part of the corruption, because she and the other Venezuelan government official were part of the corruption. (It made more sense in the President's head.) Her first public statement, "Oooh, big boy! Look at the size of the military on you! Stick it in there! Stick it hard! Yes! Yes! Take my oil! Take my oil now!" seemed promising.
"She seems like somebody we can work with...after we take a shower," President McDruhitmumpf posted. Also at 2:37 am. How does he do that? Is time travel involved? If so, why doesn't he go back to 2020 and steal the election properly?
Unfortunately, Chichirodrigweez blew the gig by insisting that "Madlikefoxuro was the only legitimate president of Venezuela, and, oh, by the way, imperialist bastards will not have their way with our country! Air is the only thing you'll be sucking tonight...little guy!"
"She's out!" the President posted. Again with the 2:37 am. Maybe he's cloned himself several times over so that he could keep up a steady stream of social media posts while he was otherwise occupied. If he has, it could lead to an unforeseen Constitutional crisis: are clones bound by the two term rule, or can one of them run for president after the current McDruhitmumpf term is up? If one clone ran for the Reduhblicans and another for the Dumboprats, would McDruhitmumpf be guaranteed to win?
These are the questions that keep presidential historians up at night.
So, who is running Venezuela?
"Oh, yeah, man, did you see that?" exulted Secretary of DefenseWarEve of Destruction Pete Hedaiggsethative. "First if was all whoosh whoosh whoosh whoosh! Then it was boom boom boom boom boombadety boom! I tell you, if the strike had been any more perfect, it would have been the face of Gord! It was -"
Clearly not this guy.
Marco Rubydubio was tasked with running Venezuela, which came as everybody's surprise, including his own. This would be in addition to his other duties, which included: Secretary of State, acting National Security Adviser, acting Archivist of the United States, euthenizer of USAID and Secretary of Homeland Baby's Arm Holding an Apple Security. "Why not?" a resigned - but not in the leaving a job kind of way - Rubydubio shrugged. "As soon as we perfect the machine that adds seven hours and 37 minutes to the day, I'll be able to catch up on my sleep. By which I mean I'll be able to sleep. Anybody see where I put my pill box?"
At the same time, Grey House spokesdumpsterfire Stephen Siewnottmillertyme declared himself in charge of Venezuela. "Oooh, my very own little playground. I'm gonna put the palace here, and the police stations here and here and here and here and detention camps all over the map! Won't that be fun!" He was like a kid in a candy store. A kid named Damien.
"This was clearly Siewnottmillertyme's Alexander Notboundbythehaig moment," observed token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Hopefully, history will give Siewnottmillertyme a place next to him."
In the meantime, the search for a meaningful policy on the future of Venezuela, one in which somebody, anybody is chosen to lead the country, continues. Assuming it has been started...