by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Fairy Tale/Philosophy Writer
Once upon a time, in a land that history wanted to forget but couldn't because it kept trolling for attention on social media called Vesampucceri, there lived a PresidentEmperor named Donald (the names in this article have not been changed to protect the innocent because nobody in Vesampucceri can claim innocence). PresidentEmperor Donald wanted a new outfit that would appeal to his people by showing them how open and stylish he was.
I need a Jew tailor, he thought. They make the best clothes and, anyway, they owe me for my support of Israel, so I'll be able to haggle to get a good price! Jews think they're good at haggling until they've met me!
Unfortunately for the PresidentEmperor, the Jewish tailor he chose was an anti-Zionist who not only convinced him that the air he was wearing was the height of fashion, but that an invisible suit would prove to his people that he was dedicated to the fullest kind of transparency. Since the PresidentEmperor had no intention of paying the tailor, he figured he was getting good value for the government's money.
The next day, PresidentEmperor Donald stood on a platform outside the Grey HousePalace as his loyal subjects walked past, applauding and cheering for his new look if they knew what was good for them. After a couple of hours, with no end in sight, a lad who was all of six years old being carried on his father's shoulders giggled, "The PresidentEmperor's naked!"
Several seconds of awkward silence ensued. More awkward than walking past a naked old man.
"Of course I'm naked!" PresidentEmperor Donald eventually sneered. "You think I want to hide this gorgeous hunk of man flesh from the people? I am an Adonis! Haven't you seen the internet meme of me as Rambotooreskew? That's a photo, baby! They only had to do a light dust of makeup - the rest was pure me meat! Men half my age hope to look a quarter as good as I do when they're twice my age! I got it, so you better believe I'm gonna flaunt it!"
Then, he nodded towards the child who had made the mistake of pointing out his nakedness. Three nights later, he and his entire family would go missing; their neighbours would say that the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service is just and the child was obviously raised as a Communist agitator, and we don't want people like that around us, and, oh, look at the time, I'd love to talk more about it, but I have to...do...something more important now. Right this second!
The crowd gasped. Did the PresidentEmperor just say the quiet part out loud? Of course he did! He had never said the quiet part quietly - he had always shouted the quiet part as loudly across as many different media platforms as would let him! The only thing that should surprise anybody is that anybody was surprised at this point in his public life!
Ahem.
The right-wing press (which more and more could reasonably claim to be called "the press") reported on the event with headlines like "PresidentEmperor bears all" and "PresidentEmperor proves he has nothing to hide" and "Hot buns look tasty at 80!"
SenatorCourtier Lindsey told an interviewer that he admired the PresidentEmperor's guts, that PresidentPublic Enemy Number One Joe would not have been caught dead wearing such a magnificent outfit. When asked if he would wear such a magnificent outfit himsel, SenatorCourtier Lindsey chuckled and answered: "I'd love to be able to, but I don't have the figure for it. Nobody wants to see that!"
Grey HousePalace spokesghoulspokesghoul Stephen appeared on all of the morning talk shows simultaneously (how does he do that? Some kind of mass hypnosis must be involved!) and sneered, "He's the PresidentEmperor! If he wants to stick a feather up his ass and call it macaroni, all the fashion editors better drool about what a fashion revolution it is! If he wants to pluck out an illegal's beating heart and feed it to the pigeons on Fifth Avenue, who would dare try to stop him? You? You? Any of you? Don't make me laugh - it would scare small children for miles around!"
Coincidentally, it was Paris Fashion Week, with one designer debuting his "PresidentEmperor Collection," which was essentially a dozen mannequins walking the catwalk not wearing anything. And the moral of the story is: all life aspires to be a Robert Alternativeman film, even if it wasn't one of his best.