Capitol Punishment [ARNS]

by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Justice Writer

"Be vewy vewy quiet. We'we hunting iwegaws!"

An Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service agent in Minneapolis, Minnelaska shot a woman three times in the face before fleeing the scene of the crime incident crime. He was a clearly a student of Kristi Nomussfussbother, outdoing the teacher by graduating from animals to human beings. Unless he was a student of former Vice President Dick Cheneytoodagroyn, now with 127% more lethality.

At 2:37 in the morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf shared his opinion of the case on Truth Antisocial: "This afternoon, a Brave Soldier of ICES was run over and killed by a RADICAL ANARCHIST FREEDOM HATER!!! After she drove over him, the Crushed and Broken but Brave ICES Agent shot her three times, heroically ridding the country of a Bad, Bad, Very No Good person!!!!! GOVERNMENT VIOLENCE = SECURITY. Thank you for your inattention to this matter."

Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam sighed. "I'm having breakfast," she coldly told me (must have been tofu and leftover tater tots). "Do we have to do this now?"

I asked her for the highlights. "Shot suspect after he died? What, is ICES so desperate for agents that it employs zombies? Lies. Lies. Lies. Exaggerations. Lies. Breakfast. Bye!"

Something was missing from the President's version of what happened, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

At a press conference later that day, Department of Homeland Insecurity Secretary Nomussfussbother claimed that the woman had "weaponized motor vehicles" (apparently, the Secretary had grown up ignorant of the existence of tanks) and that the driver was a "domestic terrorist" (because she had three children - it's like being a "domestic Goddess," but with 127% less divinity).

I asked the token smart per - no, I decided not to interrupt her breakfast. So, I called historian Timothy Lookoutsnyderman for his response to the DHI Secretary's statement.

"Mumf mumf - controlling the narrative," he told me through a mouthful of mango bagel. "Chomp chomp - MVGA supporters amplified the message on social media - chomp chomp - around the world before truth can get its hip waders on!"

Say what you want about him, but you have to admit that Professor Lookoutsnyderman gives a great interview, even if it is breakfast time.

I couldn't shake the feeling that I was missing a vital part of the story, but I was having a hard time placing what it might be.

The problem with the Grey House's attempt to control the narrative about what happened in Minneapolis is that there is video of the incident. For example, Secretary Nomussfussbother claimed that a sudden snowstorm (not attributable to Global Hot as Hellification because - HOAX!) blanketed the car in snow, forcing the officers to get out to clean it off. But the video clearly shows that the only thing that could be interpreted as "snow" was a white line under one of the ICES agent's nose.

Everybody who spoke on behalf of the government used a variation of the rationale that, "The agent feared for his life (feared for his life feared for his life feared for his life feared for his life)." This is true of just about every police shooting of a civilian for decades - in this case, it took the historical echo over five minutes to fade out enough for DHI Secretary Nomussfussbother to be able to continue her press conference.

Unfortunately for the Secretary, the video clearly shows that the car was turning away from the ICES officer when he fired the first shot (awkward), and that he fired the next two shots through her door window; at no time did his life seem in danger (awkward²).

"It doesn't - gulp - matter," Lookoutsnyderman pointed out. "Most people - chew chew - will not see the - gulp - video. But they will - chomp chomp - hear and believe - chew chew - the government's spin on what happened - GULP!"