by MARCELLA CARBORUNDUREM-McVORTVORT, Alternate Reality News Service Food and Drink Writer
Rising pricesBob So Tasty Ltd., Burpsi Cola LLC. and International Fried Inc. (which includes the product lines: Chompy Chips, Chonky Chocolates and Unholy Guacamole!) are all wholly owned subsidiaries of MultiNatCorp ("We do unhealthy eating stuff - shh"). And they have substantially added to the transnational conglomerate's bottom line - not to mention Vesampuccerians' bottom line - since Ronald McDruhitmumpf became President for the second time.
"It's a funny thing," commented Ned Enfeeblishment-Raye, MultiNatCorp Vice President International Affairs and Chocolate Eclairs, although he looked about as amused as somebody whose puppy had just been killed in an industrial accident at the factory where it worked, "but when the cost of being alive is rising and there is general tumult and brouhaha in the world, sales of our fast and junk food products go through the roof!" VP Enfeeblishment-Raye looked up, although whether it was to acknowledge divine intervention or to see if the roof of his office needed repairs was unclear.
"This is not - chomp chomp - surprising - chomp chomp," observed token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "These are all - chomp chomp - comfort foods. Eating them - chomp chomp - gives us a - chomp chomp - temporary physical and emotional - chomp chomp - high. It makes us - mmmmmmm - feel good!"
I asked her if she was eating goat cheese and salami Chompy Chips. Surprised, the token smart person asked, "How did you - chomp - know?"
When you've been on the food beat as long as I have, you pick up a few things.
This has not gone over well with Health and Human Disservices Secretary Robert F. Kennebunkedy, whose plan to Make Vesampucceri Healthy Again consists largely of banning vaccines and eating a more heart-healthy diet. "It's like Vesampuccerians aren't even trying to be healthy!" he complained. "Honestly, if you're going to be so cavalier with your health, you don't deserve to be covered by government funded health insurance!"
Before anybody could point out that only three people were still on government funded health insurance, he then took a big bite out of a stick of beef jerky he was holding. "This is - chomp chomp - not what it looks like," he assured the press. "This beef jerky is - chomp chomp - macrobiotic!"
Secretary Kennebunkedy went on to say that he wouldn't mind so much if the average Vesampuccerian increased their exercise to burn off the extra calories they ingested in their comfort foods. "Would it kill you - chomp chomp - to walk an extra couple of miles a day?"
"Yes!" responded Iowippi housewife Rona Shaikenbaikchickpeans. "I have - chomp chomp - Munchmunchmunchausen Syndrome. If I - chomp chomp - walk more than a quarter of a mile - chomp chomp - I start hallucinating that I'm the - chomp chomp - Crown Prince of Mordorkesh! He was killed - chomp chomp - in the Blurvation Uprising of - chomp chomp - 712!"
"Oh, well," the HHUD Secretary stated. "That's just a - chomp chomp - isolated case."
"You can't seriously - chomp chomp - expect me to do that," objected Michigexas autopen assembly line worker Bismarck Bankmanager-Fried. "If I increased my exercise to compensate - chomp chomp - for all the comfort food I've been - chomp chomp - chomping on, I'd have to walk for 37 hours every day. If I did that - chomp chomp - my boss would kill me!"
"All I'm hearing - chomp chomp - are excuses," countered Dr. Mehmet Ozymandiass, who, it is rumoured, has a position in the McDruhitmumpf government, although nobody is exactly sure what it is. "The other day - chomp chomp - I tore the muscles in my right arm - chomp chomp - trying to open a jar of pickles - chomp chomp. Did that keep me from - chomp chomp - doing a hundred pushups? Of course it - chomp chomp - did! I'm not - chomp chomp - into pain! But I don't go - chomp chomp - blurting it out to reporters like - chomp chomp - it was something to be proud of!"
"We are not unaware of the health risks associated with eating our comfort foods," Enfeeblishment-Raye stated. "That is why, for instance, we have a Chompy Chips lite line of products. It's also why MultiNatCorp has invested in private hospitals throughout Vesampucceri. It's almost like we care what happens to our customers!"
As usual, the end of writing this article has made me - chomp chomp - hungry. This Robert So Ambrosial Deluxe Gourmet burger - chomp chomp - is just what I needed!