by BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI, Alternate Reality News Service Editrix-in-Chief
Dear (in the Broadest Sense of the Term) Attorney General Pamela Electronbondi:
I enjoy writing as much as I enjoy being in the company of writers. Which is to say that I would impact my own wisdom teeth rather than being in a room with one, and once I had lost all of mine, I would be happy to do the same with theirs.
Enjoy is a flexible term.
Recently, a conspiracy of writers (less than a murder, more than a cackle) sought a meeting with me at our offices. I quickly agreed to meet them an hour later, which allowed me enough time to leave the building and, if necessary, the city. Unfortunately, one of them (Teradonovich, you bastard) noticed me attempting to leave, and let out that shriek that those brainsnatchers do. In seconds, I was swarmed by them.
The "journalists" tried to get me to care about some Postington Wash reporter named Hannibal Nathanandsons or something like that. I was concentrating on finding an escape route, so I didn't catch most of what they were trying to tell me. Something about her house being raided by your Department of Injustice and her bedroom pillow, which contained the names and numbers of over 1,000 contacts, being seized? I may not have the details quite right, but the mob around me did seem to think whatever had happened was important.
Ordinarily, I would get out my slapping gloves and smack my way out of the melee. Unfortunately, I left them in the office when I made my hasty - but graceful for a woman who is six feet, eight inches all - retreat. So, instead, I promised to write to you in the hope that we could come to a reasonable accommodation for Alternate Reality News Service reporters. Offering to buy the first round at the Ferkin and Gherkin sealed the deal.
So.
The thing you have to understand is that our reporters don't cultivate sources. They go to bars where they have heard politicians hang out and look as pathetic as they possibly can - not a big stretch for most of them, and, hey, I'm not going to kid you: moaning about how pathetic their lives are is definitely part of their image - in the hopes that some of the patrons will take pity on them and offer to give them nuggets of information and an alcoholic beverage. In most cases, they will happily settle for the alcoholic beverage.
When that doesn't work, they will often sit next to real reporters in bars as they conduct interviews, surreptitiously recording the conversations. The only reason they haven't been caught plagiarizing those journalists is that we don't publish in your universe. Feel free to use this knowledge as you see fit, but you didn't hear it from me.
My point is that there is no point confiscating the pillows of our reporters; you'll find fewer sources there than there are fleas on a concrete sculpture of a dog.
If you're getting the sense that ARNS reporters aren't like the other children, it's just that keen observational quality that makes you such a fine Attorney General. I assume. The only time I follow politics is when I think it's cheating on its spouse and there is potential for blackmail. Given your keen observational quality, I'm sure you already knew that.
My point is that our writers didn't graduate from journalism school; it's more like they were forcibly ejected. Students expressing an interest in joining the Alternate Reality News Service is the reason the Alternaut Academy has installed ejector seats in every classroom. To the age-old question, "Did your journalists jump or were they pushed?" I always answer: "the chicken," because I try not to egg them on.
The only scoop our journalists are interested in is Rocky Roads (except for Gonglikwanyeoheeeeeeeh, who prefers pistachio passion fruit - weirdo). They are only interested in reaching their assigned word count, and they're not above going off on tangents and making up statistics to get there! What I'm trying to get you to understand is that they are not a threat to you or your government; they have a hard enough time being a threat to themselves.
So please don't arrest any ARNS reporters or seize their pillows as evidence. Or do if you feel like it. I've written the letter that they demanded - nobody said it had to make a difference in your plans!
Sincerely,