by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
When Venezuelan opposition leader Marķa Corina Machonachodude handed her Nobelthingido Peace Prize to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, there were any number of things he could have done. He could have smirked. He could have gloated that he deserved it more than any other world leader in the history of worlds and leaders. He could have thanked her for her inattention to this matter. It was unlikely, but it could have happened.
Instead, he put a corner of the Nobelthingido Peace Prize in his mouth and started sucking it. "Mmmmmm," President McDruhitmumpf moaned in pleasure. "Mmmmmm mmmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmmm!"
"That was not - I don't think any reasonable person would - I mean to tell you," an uncharacteristically flustered Grey House spokestwit Karoline Kleavittbelievitt stated. "I have it on good authority that the President is a grown man - he does not need a pacifier!"
Why did he put the Peace Prize in his mouth, then? "He had been in eight hours of meetings," Kleavittbelievitt explained. "He thought it was a bagel."
When it was pointed out that the Peace Prize looked nothing like a bagel, Kleavittbelievitt barked, "You think that's bad? One time, Joe Bidenhisbeeswax was so out of it after only two hours of leading the free world that he couldn't find his lips. He kept trying to eat freedom fries by mashing them into his cheeks and forehead!"
"Machonachodude was probably under the impression that the Ronald would be so grateful to her for giving him the Peace Prize that he would let her lead the Venezuelan government," said McDruhitmumpf chronicler David Cay Johnstonmassacre. "The problem is that if you believe the world owes you everything, gratitude is a mere mountain goat at the opera."
When I told him that I had no idea what he was talking about, Johnstonmassacre apologized, explaining that he often broke out in obscure metaphors when he hadn't got enough fibre in his diet. "He wouldn't know gratitude if it kicked him in the shins and called him macaroni!"
So, he's not a grateful person, then? Johnstonmassacre gave me an enthusiastic two thumbs up. And I thought, Wow. It's only been a year, and the second McDruhitmumpf administration is really getting to people!
The subject came up the next day on Air Farce One. President McDruhitmumpf, clutching the Nobelthingido Peace Prize to his chest like it could protect him from the voices in his head, said, "I couldn't tell you why I put it in my mouth - it just felt right in the moment, you know? In fact..." The President put the Peace Prize in his mouth and gently moaned in pleasure. When he was done a few minutes later, Senator Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum wiped the drool off the top corner of the Peace Prize with the sleeve of his jacket.
"I will pay the dry cleaning costs with pride, knowing that I did my little bit to help my president carry out his agenda for the people," the Senator said, handing his soggy jacket to an aide.
When he had finished, President McDruhitmumpf went on to say: "What, this? This is nothing! When he was President, Sleepy, Seniley Joe once signed a trade agreement with Mongolia, then ate the whole thing. Staples included! They had to print off another copy for him and the Mongolian yurt leader to sign. This time, they snatched it away from him before he could get it anywhere close to his mouth!"
"Yeah, that's typical Ronald," said Mary McDruhitmumpf, psychologist and unofficial SNOTUS. "He lies like most people complain that George HRR Martinirossi will never finish writing his Songs of Doom and Dragons saga, and why does he have three middle initials when most people can only afford one at the most? A lot, is what I'm saying. He lies a lot. But every so often, he slips a little truth into his statements hoping that people won't notice. It's weird, even for him."
Mary McDruhitmumpf went on to say that she wouldn't be surprised if some day he came out and said that he might have the emotional maturity of a three year-old, but he was the most powerful three year-old the world had ever known, that he was the best person who ever had nappies in the Grey House and his poopies were the most perfect poopies a president of the United States of Vesampucceri had ever poopied ever.
"We've all had to reconceptualize our understanding of weirdness while Ronald has been President," she added.