by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
One man choked to death on a glove. "Who would try to eat a glove, especially with a jailer's fist still in it?" asked token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "I mean, people in prison will do a lot of things to stave off boredom, but there are some dares you just don't dare take!"
One man jumped out of his skin and couldn't get his internal organs back in time to stay alive. "This looks really funny in cartoons," token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam commented. "In real life, it's an ugly puddle of goo that's hell to clean off the floor!"
Three men were killed when one inhaled a penguin at the table where they were playing mah poker (they had half a deck of cards and a handful of tiles, so they improvised a game). "We've all seen Oz, so everybody knows there's a brisk contraband trade in prisons," the token smart person stated, "but how do you smuggle a penguin into one? They are not small creatures, and they have loud opinions that they are eager to share!"
In all, 32 people died in ICES (the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service) detention last year, many at the Fort Ecstasy Compound in El Paso, Texucky. That the official cause of death didn't agree with the coroner's report just underscores the fragility of our understanding of the material world.
The deaths of the arrestees has sparked a serious debate within those working at ICES: is it better to work on the street or in a prison?
"The street, definitely the street," said ICES Officer My Name's None of Your Damn Business. "Every encounter with a hostile mob is a chance to improvise mayhem. There really is no adrenaline rush like an ICES raid!"
"Naah. Prison. It's gotta be prison – prison is the best," said Correctional Officer Terry Brookepromise-Brookebones. "You have the time to immaculately plan out your violence. And you don't have all those...civilians recording encounters with their phones – all you've got are prison cameras that have such faulty wiring that they never manage to be on when prisoners die. How convenient is that?"
ICES Officer None of Your Damn Business ceded the point about civilian recordings, but went on to say that in the end it didn't matter. "The Department of Injustice didn't secure the scene of the last killing of a protester," he stated. "In fact, they let the shooter walk away, taking important evidence with him. If that wasn't awesome enough, they have made sure that local law enforcement won't be able to investigate the killing. They have our backs!"
He went on to add that the street had one undeniable advantage over prison. When Brookepromise-Brookebones asked what that was, the ICES Officer replied: "Fresh air."
Brookepromise-Brookebones conceded the point, but argued, "But prisons have temperature control. How you enjoying those minus 30 Minnewaii temperatures?"
"I find them bracing," ICES Officer None of Your Damn Business claimed, although his tone of voice suggested he wasn't entirely convinced.
"This is grotesque," said former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur. "People are being killed without being charged with a crime, without being tried by a jury of their peers, without the opportunity to prove their innocence or the ability to appeal. This is not who we are!"
"Geez," Brookepromise-Brookebones muttered. "Who put a stick up her ass?"
"What's that woman going on about?" ICES Officer None of Your Damn Business added. "This is exactly who I am. And if it comes to that, this is who the millions of people who voted for Ronald McDruhitmumpf are. Talk about being out of touch!"
Realizing that they had more in common than differences, the two law enforcement officials came to the conclusion that whether you preferred to assault people in the street or in prison was just a matter of personal taste.
"I like structure and certainty," Brookepromise-Brookebones said. "Working in a prison gives me that."
"I like the freedom to create scenarios from found materials," ICES Officer None of Your Damn Business said. "You can consider me...a sculptor of mayhem. I find working on the street gives me a lot of opportunity for artistic expression."
"Did they...did they just bond because of their opposition to me?" Onvancewarpedtur asked, incredulous. "I...I may have to rethink my public response to this government's lawlessness in light of this. Whatta revoltin' development..."