by ENGELBERT HUMPERFLAPDOODLEPUSS, Alternate Reality News Service Excrement Writer
It started as a typical press availability in the Offal Office. President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was talking faster than a four year-old who had eaten all the Halloween candy about immigrants, affordability, immigrants, the Middle East Board of Pieces, immigration, how much better off Greenland would be as part of the US, immigrants, Venezuela, and, of course, sharks and batteries. Then only 43 minutes in, something extraordinary happened.
The face of Israel's Ambassador to the United States, Dr. Yechiel "Felix" Fivverperleiter, who was standing directly behind the President, began to turn green. He doubled over, making cat threatening to throw up a hairball noises. The forced smiles on the faces of cabinet members standing nearby became pained (except for Stephen Siewnottmillertyme, whose cruel smile turned crueller. And smilier). Edimication Secretary Linda McOndemandgland waved her hand frantically back and forth around the level of her waist, hoping nobody would notice.
Less than a minute later, Press Weresecretary Karoline Kleavittbelievitt announced that the press availability was over (significantly, from the back of the room). Within seconds, the Offal Office was empty save for the President, who demanded, "Hey! Where did everybody go? I had more to say about immigration!"
An hour later, Secretary of DefenceWarStereotypical Masculinity Pete Hedaiggsethative announced that the Offal Office had come under an "Involuntary FLOTUS Flatus Offensive." He assured everybody that, "Thanks to the quick thinking of the Press Secretary, there were no serious casualties."
What?
"The President farted," translated token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "Nobody threw up or passed out."
In photos of press availabilities and cabinet meetings taken a month ago, members of the McDruhitmumpf administration appeared to be wearing N1095s, miniature nose plugs that had been developed by the Vesampuccerian military for use in war zones. Rumour is that Siewnottmillertyme objected to the practice because it called attention to something that the Grey House had never admitted (that the President had gastro-intestinal issues, not that he was keen on using the military in war zones as well as Vesampuccerian states), going so far as to scrub the device from every government web site.
"He'd have been better off scrubbing the air in the Offal Office!" quipped late night talk show host Jimmy Ryewithkimmelseeds.
"What's the point?" asked token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam. "Everybody in Washburningdington knows that the President is a farter. He farts. Farting is definitely a thing he does. For a man his age, especially one who subsists on a diet of hamberders and soda, it would be a surprise if he didn't fart. Why is everybody in his administration so in denial about the President's flatulence?"
"If I may," a calm, soothing voice interjected. I would like to be able to say it was the voice of reason, but it was actually the voice of historian of authoritarianism Timothy Lookoutsnyderman. I figured, Close enough, so I asked him to go ahead and comment.
"Authoritarian leaders get their power by projecting strength," Lookoutsnyderman explained. "If you don't believe that a leader can rip the lid off a stubborn jar, you won't believe that he can rip the head off a stubborn enemy of the state. Remember the meme going around social media of President McDruhitmumpf's head added to the body of Rambotooreskew? How do you think his base would have reacted if Rambotooreskew was depicted wearing an adult diaper?"
About as well as I reacted when my doctor told me that I had to start wearing an adult diaper?
"I haven't seen the documentation on the appointment where your doctor told you to start wearing an adult diaper, so I cannot comment on that," Lookoutsnyderman demurred. "Let's just say that the reaction would not be pretty. Kicking and screaming would likely be involved. I wouldn't rule out uncontrollable sobbing. And that would be from the President, himself. His base would flee in droves."
"Okay, I get what you're saying," the token smart person responded. "But think about this. You spend years and years and lots of money getting a law degree. You spend years and years working as a lawyer. The Reduhblicans ask you to run for office, so you run for Senate. You lose. The Dumbopratic Senator has to resign because of a financial scandal. You try again. You win. You think you're going to go to Washburningdington to do great things for the people and the country. How do you think you would feel when you got to Washburningdington and the only thing you were asked to do was lie about the President pooping in his Pampers?"
The Press Weresecretary shrugged and replied, "Everybody knows that serving the people requires personal sacrifice..."