Why Twerk When You Can Twit?

The "Their Menstrual Cycles Will Synchronize On Election Day And Keep Them Home Anyway" Argument Is, Surprisingly, Not Convincing To Most Women

Chip Roy on Fox News tries to explain why the SAVE America Act won't actually prevent women from voting

When It Comes To Reading A Room, MAGA Comedians Tend To Be Illiterate

In a room filled with thousands of Salesforce staffers, Marc Benioff asked people who'd traveled from abroad to stand for recognition. He then proceeded to make a joke about ICE agents being in the back of the room. There were faint boos from the crowd.

Looks Like Somebody Needs To Take An Improv Class, Cause She's Really Bad At It!

Rep. Ross: "Does a convicted sex offender like Ghislaine Maxwell deserve special treatment and privileges in prison?"

Bondi: "Let me be crystal clear on this. No...She was not transferred to a lower-level facility."

A Norwegian Journalist asked Israeli Knesset member:

"Can you explain to us why Israel is K!lling journalists on a mass scale?"

He replied:

"You're lying... Not only do we not K!LL journalists, journalists came to K!LL us.... you're anti-Israel..."

Sen. Murphy: "So, your belief is that white Americans face more discrimination. at least prior to the Trump administration...than Black Americans?"

Jeremy Carl, Trump's nominee to be assistant secretary of state for international organizations: "Yes, that's correct, and I'm not running away from that statement at all."

He Wants The Country To Be Inhabited By Stepford...Everybodies

Mike Huckabee's explanation for why young Americans hate Israel:

"We simply haven't programmed the youth correctly."

Emmer: "It's a false herring for these guys to suggest, "Oh, we now need a judicial warrant,' because they know that that's going to delay any enforcement of the actual administrative warrant."

Obviously, They Aren't Real Jews

Zionists claim that criticizing or opposing Zionism is antisemitic.

Meanwhile, tens of thousands of Orthodox Jews gather in New York to declare that Zionism violates the Jewish faith and does not represent Judaism.

You Left Out The Part Where The Ghost Of John A. McDonald Encouraged Him To "Make Canada Great Again"

UPDATE: In a bombshell revelation that's sending shockwaves through Canada, Alberta separatist lawyer Jeff Rath CONFIRMS he has been meeting with high-level officials in the Trump administration. He claims U.S. President Donald Trump will recognize Alberta as a sovereign state.

"In relation to Israels military operations in Gaza, we conclude that Israeli authorities are responsible for war crimes, including extermination, murder, using starvation as a method of war, forcible transfer"

(UN Human Rights Council)

But Will Democrats Eat Them, Randy? What's Your Lie About That?

Rep. Randy Fine: "People should know Democrats like AOC are saying 'we are going to get rid of your dogs.' Americans need to keep that in mind when they go and vote in November."

Many People Find Court Intimidating, But As They Always Say: You Have Nothing To Worry About If You've Done Nothing Wrong

Emmer: On masks, it's a nonstarter... and if you can identify who these officers are, what are you trying to do? Intimidate them?

Proud to cosponsor this bill.

In America, we cherish dogs - loyal companions, beloved family, and yes, true gifts from God.

Any foreign ideology that tries to strip Americans of our right to own dogs is not welcome here.

BREAKING: In an extraordinary and illegal move, Trump says he's transferring $10 billion from the U.S. government to his "Board of Peace," which he chairs and can use the funds as he wishes.

Where is Congress???

But ICE Has Blood On Its Bumpers!

Rep. Buddy Carter on a teacher who was killed when ICE got into a high-speed chase with a man who had no criminal records: "She is a victim of Jon Ossoff, Chuck Schumer, and the Democrats ... they've got blood on their hands"

So, They'll Be Writing Irony-laden Satires, Then?

Sometimes a student in one of my fiction writing classes will come see me during office hours and inform me they're going to be a novelist.

I always ask the same question: "Who are your favorite authors?"

An alarming number of students can't name a single novelist. Not one.

"And If I Can Just Find The Right Thing To Say, Maybe He'll Convince His Friend Jeff Bezos To Put Me In A $30 Million Movie. If I Can Just Find The Right Thing To Say..."

We will never have, by every good metric imaginable, a President as great as Donald Trump. He has literally been one man in the storm, turning back a tsunami of graft, corruption, and sloth in Washington and beyond. He is a gladiator, a truly unstoppable force of nature.

NBC News: The 5th Amendment says everyone deserves due process

Donald Trump: It might say that, but if you're talking about that, then we'd have to have a million or two million or three million trials.