by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
At 2:37 in the morning, a joint task force made up of agents from the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service, the Federal Bureau of Instigations, the Federal Communications Commission ("Why should the boys with the badges hog all the fun?"), and, for some reason, Andy of Mayberry, broke down the door of Antony Prettiticaca and arrested the 23 year-old Black man on charges of hating on ICES. Yes. Hating on ICES is a crime, now. Well, according to ICES, it is, in any case, and they're the boys with the badges, so do you want to be the one to argue with them?
In a statement read by his attorney, Prettiticaca claimed, "The motherfu - umm...okay, the...err...the evil motherf - no, no, that will not do. *HARRUMPH* Let me just - miscarriage of justice - that's better. Innocent as a snowflake in hell - not the best metaphor, but I can work with it. Gonna sue the federal government for wrongful arrest. Oh, yes, yes, very good. I like the sound of that! Eat a bag of di - oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to say that! It would offend the dignity of the legal profession!"
Given that lawyers are about as popular as head lice, it comes as a surprise that they have any dignity to affront.
"It was a righteous arrest," said Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Nomussfussbother, standing in full military flight gear and holding a rifle that was made for shooting dogs in the face. She crossed herself to drive the point home, which made the rifle go off, accidentally wounding an intern. "Thank you for your service," she said without turning to face the girl, whose moans of pain as she was carried out of the room on a stretcher could be heard all the way to Pacoima.
Secretary Nomussfussbother went on to say that Prettiticaca's arrest was the first test of the Total, Absolutely All Information Nexus Tallying System (TAAINTS). The System takes all of the information in government databases (including tax returns, medical records for anybody who used a publicly funded insurance program, encounters with the justice system, and, for some reason, how often you've been late returning library books) and combines it with information "freely offered without any government coercion whatsoever, really, you can trust us because - ooh, is that a walrus driving a motorcycle?" by major corporations (including TwitherdY, Farcebook, Deadredheddit, Garggle, and, for some reason, Frank's Fourth In Line To Be The Ultimate Conspiracy Page). The result is a comprehensive profile of every person in Vesampucceri.
"We have the perp dead to rights," Secretary Nomussfussbother claimed, doing a passable Jack McCoywithstrangers impression. "This Prettiticaca mook watched Sons and Daughters of Anarchy on Netflux - focusing specifically on season three, episode seven - he graduated from Harvatyeblackgaurd University - a notoriously Commie school - and he even gave $30 to a Dumboprat candidate for City Council 23 years ago. Oh, and he's Black. Did I mention he was Black? I can say that now - the Extreme Court said so. So, yeah. He's guilty."
When asked what he actually wrote against ICES, the Secretary's voice became even more menacing - she moved on to a convincing impression of Lon Cheneytoodagroyn - and she said: "We haven't found anything yet - yet! - but that doesn't mean he isn't guilty. The program is never wrong. He fits the profile of an ICES hater. Live the profile. Love the profile. Arrest the profile. Isn't that what Jack McCoywithstrangers always tried to teach us?"
"Has the world gone completely insane?" roared security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. "I wouldn't trust a computer program to feed my wife's dog, and I hate that animal! The way his fur gets up my nose and I start sneezing orange snot - eeeeewwwwwugh!"
Taking a moment to compose himself (and blow his nose), Donneednopennance argued that the results of any computer search depend upon what parameters are used. A government that is hellbent on criminalizing people of a certain colour will get the outcome they want by the way they develop the input. "You know what they say: 'Government In, Government Out!'"
"Yeah, yeah, security experts will say anything if it suits their purpose," Secretary Nomussfussbother carped. "I wish I could show you what Donneednopennance's profile shows - it would make you want to sneeze orange snot! But it really doesn't matter what somebody like him says. This was a righteous arrest, and nothing will TAAINTS it!"