Thank you, Levon Cigar Stubbs, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, the fluorescent green poop stick making machines returned. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Epstein Files A Right Royal Pain
The royal once known as Prince, who now goes by the name Goofball McNastymann, has been arrested because of revelations about him in the Epstein files. Are we finally going to see some justice for all of the victims of the sex trafficking ring? Is Pete Hegseth a brilliant military strategist?
No! You don't need a moment to think about! The answer is: no! Goofball McNastymann was arrested because he allegedly gave state secrets to a foreign government. This is the first time a member of the British royal family has been arrested in more than 350 years.
"I'm a traditional British monarch, Goofball McNastymann stated. "It is with great pride, therefore, that I am responsible for bringing back a tradition that had been neglected for centuries."
Oh, yeah, the monarchy really is dead.
In response to the arrest, American President Donald Trump immediately imposed a five gazillion per cent tariff on British sex paraphernalia, including Jolly Johnny condoms, the British Bulldog line of lubricants and, for some reason, French ticklers. In announcing the tariff, Trump said, "If one country starts arresting people in the Epstein files, nobody knows where it will end! Not that I'm in them, because I'm not. I barely spent a decade with the man!"
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2026/feb/20/goofball-mcnastymann-hee-hee-hee]
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Everybody Settles: I'm Still Waiting For My Activism Pay Check From George Soros
Everybody settles.
YOU'RE PROMISED: a $5,000 dividend from DOGE cuts to the federal budget. YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: a $2,000 tariff dividend check. YOU'LL GET: A bloated budget for Homeland Security focusing on ICE.
YOU'RE PROMISED: a $2,000 tariff dividend check. YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: a $1,000 ACA premium subsidy check. YOU'LL GET: higher prices on just about everything you need to buy.
YOU'RE PROMISED: a $1,000 ACA premium subsidy check. YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: a gift certificate to McDonalds in any amount that doesn't have a minus sign in front of it. YOU'LL GET: bankrupted by medical costs.
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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Cuba Libre! Cuba Muerta!
Raoul Flyzapatista has wanted to live in Cuba, the home of his ancestors, ever since his father told him that before the revolution the streets were paved with honey and people lived for 347 years. He became a prominent member of Florida's ex-pat community that demanded the American government do something about the Communist regime.
Now that the fall of Communism in Cuba is imminent, is Flyzapatista making travel plans?
"Are you kidding?" he said. "The streets are paved with garbage and the average life expectancy is twelve years! The Communists have turned Cuba, my Cuba, has turned into a real - you should pardon the expression - shithole country! Why would anybody want to live there?"
The Communists? Really? Are you sure this has nothing to do with the economic warfare the United States has been conducting for over 60 years at the behest of the Cuban ex-pat community?
"Journalists! Can't you let me enjoy my dashed expectation in peace?" Flyzapatista bitched.
SOURCE: Politics for Beginners
[http://www.politicsforbeginners.com/home.asp?did=506&dir=bb]
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You Know What They Say: "Big Banners, Small..."
Large banners have been put up in front of building across Washington that feature the smiling face of President Donald Trump. They don't actually proclaim, "I did this," but they may as well.
"Like all autocrats, President Trump is obsessed with public expressions of his power," explained historian Ruth Ben-Ghiat. "Orwell got this exactly right. Unfortunately, Trump isn't the kind of big brother who takes you under his wing and protects you from and teaches you how to cope with life's travails. No, he's the kind of big brother who threatens to tell mom and dad about your porn magazine stash if you don't give him your lunch money, who smokes in the bathroom at school and blames you when he gets accused of it and disavows any knowledge of girls at the school the moment rumours start that they are pregnant.
"In short, he is one of life's travails."
SOURCE: The Postington Wash[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2026feb22.html]
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Because The Republican Party Wasn't A Criminal Conspiracy At That Point, Duh!
Jumbo ElliottWait, so trump Whitehouse submitted a fraudulent affidavit to a judge full of lies to invade an American election office illegally?? Remind me why Nixon was ousted again. SMH Huge red flag.
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/a-rock-and-a-criminal-right-wing-place/]
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And You Thought Valentine's Day Was Too Commercial Before!
Nothing more my heart fillsSOURCE: Hellmark Cards
[http://www.hellmark.com/hmk/Website/Shopping/sh_eg_home.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0681329116.1099167819@@@@&BV_EngineID=hadcllcgffdibedcfchcgn.0]
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It has been a week since Congress stopped funding the Department of Homeland Security over allegations that ICE agents frequently flaunted the law, violated the rights of citizens and made the thugs on Cops look like proper Victorians. How is this making a difference on the streets of, say, Minneapolis?
"Notsoyouwouldnotice," said somebody whose named sounded like it could have been Mitchmuck Johnstation, but he was running pretty fast down the street, so it was hard to catch what he was saying.
"Get off the street! Get the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] off the [EXPLETIVE DELETED]ing street - NOW!" a man in a mask brandishing a gun demanded.
I guess I wasn't moving away fast enough, because a second masked man pointed a gun at me and screamed, "You wanna be arrested for aiding a terrorist get away? Move! Move! Move!"
Clearly, the financial cutbacks are hurting DHS' ability to do its job. Congress must restore its funding immediately!
SOURCE: The New York Crimes
[https://www.nycrimes.com/live/2026/02/19/national/shutdown-ice-cops-expletive]
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