by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
When is a hole in the ground not a hole in the ground? When it's a money pit.
When is a money pit not a money pit? When it's the basis of a grift.
When is a grift not a grift? When it's conducted by the President of the United States of Vesampucceri.
When is an introduction not an introduction? When it goes on too long and becomes more confusing and annoying than enlighten - oh. Right.
As people who have been watching the soap opera since the second season began will know, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf had the east wing of the Grey House demolished to make way for a hyperspace bypass. Now, it appears - sorry, did I say hyperspace bypass? I meant ballroom. My apologies - I had twelve alarm chili for breakfast. It gets you awake far faster than coffee (even if it destroys your stomach lining at a commensurate speed). Now, it appears that that...ballroom may as well exist in hyperspace, because it isn't going to be built in this universe.
The main problem is that the $400 million raised to build the ballroom has disappeared faster than a starship engaging hyperspace dri - what? I'm using the science fiction trope too much? Sorry. I accidentally hit myself in the head with a hedgehog after breakfast, and the part of my brain that parses metaphors is working in hyperdri - working really fast.
When President McDruhitmumpf was asked about the missing funds at a press conference, President McDruhitmumpf wasn't asked about the missing funds at a press conference - there's a reason the Washburningdington press corps has largely been replaced by audience members of a high school production of Newsies! But at 2:37 the next morning, the President posted on Truth Antisocial: "First, people don't want me to build a ballroom where the east wing used to be, now people are demanding that I build a ballroom where the east wing used to be. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, PEOPLE! This is why Ronald McDruhitmumpf does what he wants to do, and would any jury in the world blame him? THEY BETTER NOT! Thank you for your inattention to this matter. RJM"
Grey House Spokescold Karoline Kleavittbelievitt responded to a question about the Eppinefrinstein files by saying, "Everybody knows how the President's attention wanders. It was the subject of an eight page insert in the fake New Yoricknuhemwell Times, for Gord's sake! I'm sure he intended to use the $400 million to build a ballroom next to the Grey House. But then an ICES action in Minneapolis slyly winked at him at the same time as a sexy new fighter jet sashayed in front of him and, well, hormones took over. You were all teenagers once - I'm sure I don't have to tell you that many of you still are - so you should understand what he's going through. He may be the President of the United States, but he's still a man, if you know what I mean..."
"She said what‽" shrieked journalist Molly Jong-Fastenfurry. "Let me tell you something, okay? That $400 million is probably visiting the $200 million the President squirrelled away from selling the oil from the Venezuelan tanker the United States shanghaied. No shit. They're probably having little Benjamin Mayibefranklins and Ulysses S. Grantserenitys even as we speak. And, eww!"
"It's easy to spread the idea that the President is corruptly profiting from his office," Spokescold Kleavittbelievitt angrily responded. "Let me make the following perfectly clear: the President has been clear from the moment he took the oath of office in his second term that there would be mass deportations of illegal immigrants. It should be clear to everybody that he has kept that promise."
"She's so good at deflection, she should be a forward for the Washburningdington...umm...whatever the Washburningdington hockey team is called this week," Jong-Fastenfurry commented. "Listen, if it launders money like corruption and covers up like corruption, it's corruption, and you just can't duck the truth!"
While this issue is sorted out, taxpayers are left with the question: what is to be done with the hole in the ground that was once the east wing of the Grey House? Reduhblicans have floated the idea of paving over the hole in gold and naming it the Ronald McDruhitmumpf Parking Lot and Prayer Meeting Place. Dumboprats are fine with the idea, as long as a place can be found in the name for the word "Memorial."