by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
At 2:37 in the morning, a joint task force made up of agents from the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service, the Federal Bureau of Instigations, the Federal Communications Commission ("How else are we going to be sure that Stephen Colbertandcrackers doesn't interview the criminal?"), and, for some reason, Karl Koldchickencrabchak, broke down the door of Antony Prettiticaca and arrested the 68 year-old white man on charges of hating on ICES. Yes. Hating on ICES is still a crime. Well, according to the Extreme Court, it is, in any case, and they're the boys and girls with the gavels, so do you want to be the one to argue with them?
"You're repeating yourself, old man," Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Nomussfussbother taunted me. "That's last week's news."
I was about to protest that I was only 41 years old when I looked around the room and realized that all of the other accredited members of the press corps were half my age. I'm not that old, but at that moment I sure did feel like I was!
In fact, the man arrested last week was Antony Q. Prettiticaca of 27 Cuck Street. The man who was arrested this morning was Antony J. Prettiticaca, who lives at 1042 Old Street, all the way on the other side of Minneapolis. Monique Gillsonamonkey, a reporter with the Girls Gone Mild instant page on TickTalk, saved me the trouble of pointing this out.
Secretary Nomussfussbother cocked her head to the side and stared into space for several seconds, like she was calculating a response. When her head cocked back upright, she said, "No, he wasn't."
What a waste of computing cycles!
Before anybody could question her further, the Secretary smiled in an almost human manner and added: "I'm sorry, but that doesn't happen to white men. We programmed the Total, Absolutely All Information Nexus Tallying System to ensure that it doesn't, and the program is never wrong."
Angela Arbitrariness, whose Girls With Glands Instasoup page has over 27 million views (and almost 13 comprehensions, but fortunately for her that's not how her social media posts are monetized), pointed out that that's what the press release on the Homeland Insecurity page said about the arrest. And the t-shirt with the image of the press release on it that she was wearing. And the mug she was drinking her morning bubble tea out of. And 27 other products that everybody would have an opportunity to buy on their way out of the press conference through the Grey House gift shop.
Secretary Nomussfussbother blinked rapidly. "That. Does. Not. Compute," she croaked. For those who knew Lessissmorsissless Code, here eyes were desperately asking, "What does this mean? What could this possibly mean?"
"It means you arrested the wrong Antony Prettiticaca," I stated.
"That's not true!" Secretary Nomussfussbother screamed. "The program is never wrong!"
"So, ICES was correct in arresting Antony J. Prettiticaca, even though he is white?"
"No!" Secretary Nomussfussbother shrieked. "The Program is wrong!"
Was that...steam coming out of her ears? No, it must have been my imagination (even though my family, friends and pet alligator tell me I don't have one). Or my glasses fogging up (even though I wear contacts). Or somebody brewing a pot of tea in my immediate field of vision (even though we're taught on our first day in journalism school that trying to make a hot beverage in one's lap is a health hazard, especially using a drip coffee maker). It definitely wasn't steam.
"This is what I was talking about," security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance crowed. "Not the roboticization of justice in the McDruhitmumpf administration, but the fallibility of computer systems of monitoring and contro - although, come to think of it, the Injustice Department does show all the compassion towards Vesampucceri citizens of a Skynet. I may have to reconsider my whole...idiom!"
"If it's true," Secretary Nomussfussbother, patting down her hair like an ICES agent patting down a suspect (with short, angry chopping motions) more calmly stated, "it's because Antony J. Prettiticaca was a copycat criminal."
Even Eric Frankenmolasses from the Ferk Around, Find Out News Farcebook page rolled his eyes at that one.
"You know what? You [EXPLETIVE DELETED] don't deserve me!" the Secretary shouted and stormed out of the press room. As she left, she muttered, "Karoline Kleavittbelievitt makes it look so easy!"
Nobody in the room doubted she'd be back. As the Bard truly said: "Anger cannot wither her, nor custom TAAINTS her infinite variety."