Thank you, Bella D. Ball, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we've been having terrible sleep, causing us to go through our days run down and achy. No, it's not a guilty conscience! Why would you even go there - look. We're sensitive, okay, and the state of the world is causing us great alarm. Here's a photo of a cute kitten - maybe that will cheer us up.
Dammit! We don't have the energy to find a photo of a cute kitten! Would you settle for an IOU?
Enjoy,Minority Leader Suggests The Most Morally Bankrupt Response To A Cruel Policy, Hands Down!
President Donald Trump has floated the idea of cutting off the hands of people who protest ICE. At 2:37 in the morning, he tweeped: "Traitors! Traitors and momma's boys! Momma's traitors!!! If it wass up to me, I would cut off their hands - let's see them hold up signs with their wrists! Thank you for your inattention to this matter. DJT"
In response, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said, "That is the most outrageous proposition I have ever heard a President make, and I was alive when Reagan was in office! Democrats will certainly oppose this measure! One finger on one hand, okay, I can see that. Maybe three or four fingers if the protester is especially mouthy. But a full hand, let alone both of them? That's going too far!"
But...but...but isn't cutting off any part of a protester's body barbaric?
"Personally, I agree with you," Minority Leader Schumer said. "It is barbaric. But if we just...opposed the measure, we would be accused of being partisan. And we must show the public we are willing to work in a bipartisan fashion with Republicans, or we would seem to be no better than they are. If a few protesters have to sacrifice some fingers so we can better appeal to moderate voters, well, that's why they were given ten!"
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/news/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1125509800267290.xml]
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INT. - SET OF BURN IN HELL WITH GEORGE WALLACE - ETERNAL NIGHT
GEORGE WALLACE sits behind the host's desk. The audience is made up of shadows with teeth. The band is made up of skeletons, except for the leader, who is a minor demon.
WALLACE: ...and that's why you never offer to give a Jew a haircut!
SOUND: canned laughter.
WALLACE: Un hunh. (sourly reading from a card in his hand) In his life, my first guest was a...city councillor? In...Toronto? Where is that? Like, in France or some shit like that? Must have been a slow day for right wing deaths. Whatever. Please welcome a newcomer to the show, Georgio Maimonides.
GEORGIO MAMMOLITI walks through the curtain to the brittle rattling of bones. At first, he looks like a deer caught in headlights. Then, he decides to make the best of it and goes to sit on the flaming couch next to the host's desk.
WALLACE: Who the fuck are you?
SOUND: audience howls with laughter. Emphasis on "howls."
MAMMOLITI: Georgio Mammoliti.
WALLACE: Wait. So you're not related to the Jewish philosopher? I was hoping at least for some self-hating Jew action, here!
MAMMOLITI: Eww! Why would you say that‽
Wallace looks at the card in his hand for a couple of seconds, then tears it up and throws the pieces over his shoulder. SOUND: audience titters, with an undertone of low growls.
WALLACE: Not a fan of Jews. Big deal. All of my guests feel that way.
MAMMOLITI: I hate queers.
WALLACE: Better. Still, that's common among my guests.
MAMMOLITI: I once compared the citizens of the Jane-Finch corridor, who are mostly black, to cockroaches.
WALLACE: (raises an eyebrow) You did? Good metaphor. I'll give you a point for creativity. Anything else?
MAMMOLITI: I started hating socialists after I left the socialist New Democratic Party.
WALLACE: (thaws slightly) An opportunist, eh? I can respect that.
MAMMOLITI: I argued that we need to bring religious values back into politics, that the lack of belief in god was responsible for crime in the city.
WALLACE: (growls, but with satisfaction) Ooh! A religious opportunist and hypocrite! You know, you're beginning to sound like my kind of guy. Tell me more...
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/mammoliticitypity.shtml]
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You Underestimate How Many No-brainereds There Are In The World
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1576555538]
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Chew On This, World!
2 tough 2 swallow) The United States embassy in Canberra held an event to sell American beef in Australia. Australia, which exports its beef to over 100 countries. Australia, which does not pen its cattle into small stalls and fill them with hormones. Yeah, that Australia. This is like the US trying to sell:SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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When Considering Corporate Bumph, It's Important To Read Between The Lines
Pathways Alliance, which represents a group of major tar sands oil producers, is changing its name to -
Major Cause of Global Climate Change, Inc?
No. To -
Heartless Rapers and Pillagers of the Planet, LLC?
No! To -
Purveyors of Misinformation on an Issue of Global Importance, Ltd?
The Oil Sands Alliance! Okay? The Oil Sands Alliance!
That's nice, too, I guess.
The group decided to change its name -
To make consumers think that they weren't shills for the oil industry?
- to allow it to move away from promoting its core function of carbon capture -
An ineffective technology promoted by the oil industry because it allows producers to continue despoiling the planet without pause and gives cover to politicians who want the economic benefits of pumping more oil out of the ground while at the same time appearing to be green.
- and publicly focus on all of the ways it is combating climate change!
A smokescreen to confuse the public into thinking it isn't destroying the planet.
Oh, for Pete's sake! Do you want to tell this story?
What makes you think I'm not?
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=643&dir=bb]
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