by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Court/Justice Writer
The Roooochester, New Yoricknuhemwell Ronald McDruhitmumpf Centre for Arbitrary Detention and Physical and Mental Abuse, which started life as a foozleberry canning plant, now houses a go-kart track, a petting zoo, a miniature golf course and a face painting station. The Ronald McDruhitmumpf Detainorama in West Chester, Floridansas, which before that was an alligator storage facility, has now become a museum of dryer lint art. In fact, of the 32 large buildings converted to house criminals, only three are currently used for that purpose.
What happened?
"You wanna know what happened?" huffily demanded newly elected in a landslide President-for-Life Jared Kushkushinthebush. "I'll tell you what happened. We won. That's what happened!"
With all of the Black and brown immigrants removed from Vesampucceri, the population of the prisons built to house them in inhumane conditions dropped faster than a partner who farts in the hot tub. This left the government paying exorbitant fees for warehouse space it wasn't doing anything with.
"If my father-in-law was still president," President-for-Life Kushkushinthebush stated, "he would have stiffed the companies and braved out the lawsuits. I have a...better appreciation for how capitalism is supposed to work, so I would only do that as a last resort."
At first, ICES was told to start rounding up people of pallor "criminals." Citizens found this problematic for many reasons. For one: it was an admission that not all of the crime in the country was perpetrated by people of pigment, which went against what the government had been telling them since the Glorious McDruhitmumpf MVGA Uprising began. For two: shelves at local grocery stores were left empty as the people of pallor who were supposed to fill the jobs left open by the mass deportation of people of pigment were arrested and held in detention instead.
"My 87 year-old uncle Festus should be out picking orangellos," complained Randall Watt T. F. Ayethink. "He shouldn't be in a prison factory somewhere, sewing cheap t-shirts for export to China! This isn't what I voted for!"
After a moment's sober thought, he continued: "Umm, okay, well, yes, this is what I voted for, I guess. I mean, I just didn't expect what I voted for to...play out in this way. But, uhh, that's on me, I guess, for not thinking through the consequences of what I voted for, because I definitely voted for this. Did you hear that? I totally voted for this!"
The backlash against this policy caused the President-for-Life's approval ratings to plummet from 98.7% to 97.8%. "If this trend continues," proclaimed the Wall Street Infernal, "President-for-Life Kushkushinthebush's approval could be under water in less than 120 years. If he hasn't been assassinated by his own generals by then, he could potentially lose an election!"
Based on the time-honoured fascist democratic tradition of "No harm, no foul, and, in any case, we know where you live, so are you sure you want to start something with us? Like, really sure?" people of pallor were released from detention en masse (not en Massievattacker - he's one traitor who will never see the light of day again!). It was too late for harvest season, so people will have to buy imported orangellos at exorbitant costs this year, but it's a small price to pay to have uncle Festus back in the bosom of the family.
"Yeah, it took us about five seconds to remember why we hated uncle Festus," Watt T. F. Ayethink commented. "No matter how often we tell him that Hillary Roocartoncleveman is not coming to save us, that, in fact, she died 17 years ago, it just doesn't sink in. Most of us are secretly hoping that he chokes to death when a dryer lint rendering of Washburningdington crossing the Potomygordic falls over and smothers him. But, uhh, this issue is bigger than one dysfunctional Vesampuccerian family - or all of them, if it comes to that."
Given that the Vesampuccerian national debt is over 17 gabillion dollars, an amount so vast it would require a big implosion and a second big bang to pay off (on the assumption, not unreasonable, that debt transfers from one universe to the next, which is sometimes referred to as "the law of conservation of economic negative energy), does it really matter if warehouses owned by the government go empty?
"I was elected on a platform of fiscal responsibility," President-for-Life Kushkushinthebush explained as he signed a bill abolishing the Infernal Revenue Service, "and that's a responsibility I take seriously!"