Les Pages Aux Folles: What the Heck Do You Know About the Middle East Mess? [ARNS]
What the Heck Do You Know About the Middle East Mess? [ARNS]
SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
1) In coordination with Israel, the United States has hit Iran with missile strikes, killing at least 150 people in a girl's school, including over 100 children, and Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khameneiayleen. Why?
a) Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanhoohayu told President Ronald McDruhitmumpf he would be a great leader and a great man - nudge, nudge, wink, wink, if you get what I mean - if he would do Israel a favour, and you know how much the President loves flattery - I mean, helping a friend get out of a tight spot
b) the Iranian government was brutally repressing dissent and the United States couldn't sit by and allow this to - why are you laughing? No, we're not being ironic, we're being serious! Tehran was violently cracking down on opposition to the government, forcing the US to act to protect - what are you laughing at‽
c) if you don't use weapons by their best before date, they start to smell and you can't be sure if they'll work the way you designed them to - President McDruhitmumpf was just being prudent with the government's money - again, with the laughing‽ What is wrong with you‽
d) the Eppinefrinstein files won't distract from themselves!
2) The attack on Iran was called "Operation Epic Fury." Why was this name chosen?
a) "Operation Epic Furry" was Stephen Siewnottmillertyme's favourite underground comic from the 1960s, and he hated his childhood almost as much as he hates his adulthood
b) the previous name, "Operation Mild Unhappiness," didn't seem to convey Vesampucceri's serious intent
c) "Operation We Hate You, You Bastards - Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!" was taken
3) Isn't attacking Iran an act of war?
a) only in the international law sense of the term, and who understands (or cares about) that?
b) of course not! It's a belated Valentine's Day present! Sheesh - what reality are you living in‽
c) not according to Congressman MarkWayneBillyBob McMullanandwyffe, who said: "...this isn't a war. We haven't declared war on Iran. We're not at war with Iranian people. We had to remove a murderous regime..." And are you really going to argue with somebody who packs four names into one?
4) Oh. Well, if McMullanandwyffe says the attack isn't an act of war, the attack is clearly an act of war. Does the President have the power to declare war? I mean, doesn't he have to ask Congress for their blessing to go to war?
a) are you referring to the Constitution? Seriously? President McDruhitmumpf wipes his bum with that document. Or, he would if he could reach it, but since he can't, he has Commerce Secretary Howard Slutnickotiemowt and Treasury Secretary Scott Bessentintohel take turns wiping his bum for him
b) that would mean acknowledging that Congress had any power, and you know how much the President hates to share
c) you're thinking Orthodox Vesampucceri, but we're currently living in Reform Vesampucceri, where Congressional blessings are optional (don't worry: the sacrificial blood turning into wine is still a thing)
5) Didn't President McDruhitmumpf campaign on a policy of being against foreign wars?
a) his Secretary of Defense War Frat Pranks Pete Hedaiggsethative looked into a crystal ball and predicted that Iran would eventually perfect nuclear weapons that they would turn on American targets, so the President decided not to be so dogmatic about the whole "peace" thing
b) Prime Minister Netanhoohayu kept bugging him about attacking Iran, and doing so was the only way the President could get any peace
c) he won his FIFA Peace Prize fair and square, so he doesn't have to pretend any more
6) After the air strikes, President - hold on: Iran would perfect nuclear weapons? Didn't the President say the US had "obliterated" Iran's nuclear capability after strikes against it last year?
a) you expect Vesampuccerians to remember what happened last year? This is the internet age, buddy - you're lucky if Vesampuccerians remember what happened last yesterday!
b) you know the memory hole? It's now big enough to swallow a herd of elephants, 16 jumbo jets or Mara-Lara-Dingdong
c) Iran's nuclear capability may have been dead, but it got better
7) After the current attack, President McDruhitmumpf urged the Iranian people to "take back" their country. When was the last time this strategy worked?
a) when President John F. Kennebunkedy told the Cuban people to rise up against Fidel Castrohohtrubble and take back their country
b) when President Richard Nixwatmondnewon told the Vietnamese people to rise up against Ho Chi Ko Chi Minh and take back their country
c) when President Georgie W. Bushbushindakush told the Iraqi people to rise up against Saddam Hoohaintalltoosein and take back their country
d) this strategy has worked before?
8) When was the last time regime change was accomplished by an aerial bombardment alone?
a) the battle of Ashton-Pollenta in 1376; of course, the aerial bombardment was made up entirely of feces, but they were remarkably effective in getting Bob to stop ordering everybody around like he was the king or something
b) some time in the Dark Ages - records weren't meticulously kept, so it could have happened...
c) why are you asking me a question about history? I'm busy trying to remember what I had for breakfast!
9) Is the United States going to have to send troops into Iran?
a) yes
b) no
c) why are you asking me a question about the future? I'm busy trying to decide what I'm going to have for dinner!
10) According to a headline in the Wall Street Infernal, "U.S. Races to Accomplish Iran Mission Before Munitions Run Out." Umm...is that a thing that even happens? How does this possibility square with the assertion that the United States of Vesampucceri has the best equipped military the world has ever seen?
a) you know how everybody says the President is playing five dimensional chess? Well, he dreams of geometric figures in eight dimensions (13 on Sundays)!
b) honesty is for squares
c) have you seen the other guy?
11) What was Prime Minister Netanhoohayu's public statement about the attack?
a) "I warned Iran that Israel would be dancing on the graves of their leaders to the lamenting of their women. How do you like them apples, Ayatollah? Hunh? Hunh? Not so tough now, are you? Not so - uhh...ahem. I, uhh, mean this is a very serious development in the politics of the region, and we must soberly consider its implications for the near and far future. Yes. That is what I meant to say."
b) "This coalition of forces allows us to do what I have yearned to do for 40 years."
c) "This should keep me out of prison for at least the next few days..."
12) How did Iran respond to the attack?
a) they sent a card to the Grey House saying how much they loved Vesampucceri's gifts, and were hoping to return the favour very soon
b) they laughed loudly and said, "Ha ha, good one!" Yeah, maybe a little too loudly. And what they said could also be translated as "Death to Vesampucceri!" Garggle Translate is not the sharpest tool in the digital shed...
c) they slapped their forehead and dramatically squealed, "Oh, girl! Oh, no, you di'n't!"
13) Which of the following Iranian responses to its attack has the United States dismissed as fantasy?
a) a missile strike on the USS Abraham Linkedinonalog that crippled and could potential sink one of Vesampucceri's biggest warships
b) missile and drone strikes against Vesampuccerian military bases in Kuwait, Bahrain, Saudi Arabia and Jordan
c) a drone strike on a security meeting of the Israeli cabinet in Tel Aviv. Killing several Israeli Defence Forces generals
d) all of the above
14) Israel's Iron Dome did not keep Iranian missiles from landing in Israel. Why not?
a) it turned out to be largely made of Paper Tissue
b) the Israeli people may have been oversold on the defence against incoming missiles and drones; good thing no lives depended on it
c) it was on a coffee break when the counterattack happened and it needed a couple of minutes to allow the caffeine to enter its body before it would be capable of responding to anything with more than inarticulate grunts
15) What is the Strait of Hormuz and why is it important?
a) it was the hand Hormuz Fefflehumpiner was holding when Lucy Vananimalpelt overturned the table on which all of the cards were lying, and he was none too happy about it
b) it was the garment intended to pin the arms of people who were too enthusiastic about eating spam and other meat prod - oh, no, wait: that's the straitjacket of Hormel
c) it is a waterway through which almost a third of the oil from the Middle East has to travel to get to foreign markets...thanks to Iran's stranglehold on the region, traffic is down 70 per cent since the Vesampuccerian attack...a lot of industry could grind to a halt, helping usher in a worldwide recession and possible depression...umm...is it too late to choose answer b)?
16) What has AIPAC's response to the attacks been?
a) they flooded the campaign coffers of politicians, increasing their donations to 59% of House Dumboprats
b) they flooded the campaign coffers of politicians, increasing their donations to 76% of Senate Reduhblicans
c) they flooded the campaign coffers of student representatives, increasing their donation to Timmy's run for hall monitor by 132%
17) France, Germany and the UK issued a statement condemning Iran's "disproportionate" response to the attack. What do they argue would constitute a "proportionate" response?
a) a sternly worded letter to the New Yoricknuhemwell Times
b) a stern lecture on proper international relations that would elicit Israel and Vesampucceri's promise that they would never kill Iran's leader again
c) whatever they were thinking, it had nothing to do with killing Prime Minister Netanhoohayu, many members of his family and a school full of children, because that would just be wrong!
18) What has been Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carneyvalbarker's response to the attack on Iran?
a) "Remember all that stuff I said about trying to maintain a rules-based international order in the world? Oh. You do? Well, could you take some crack or something to interfere with your memory of that? Thanks."
b) "We can't allow any governments in the Middle East to get nuclear weapons, because that would destabilize - what? Israel? Oh. Have you taken that crack or something, yet? Looks like you have a lot you need to forget!"
c) do governors of states get to have a response to a national action?
19) What has the Iranian man on the street's response to the attack on their country been?
a) shrieking panic with a side of wide-eyed alarm
b) he's eagerly awaiting the end of the oppression of the Ayatollahs so he can go back to enjoying the oppression of a Shah
c) it's much better to be killed by democratic Vesampuccerian munitions than theocratic Iranian munitions - thank you, Vesampucceri!
20) It's only been 24 hours since the war began. What can we expect in the next 24 hours?
a) the detective will gather all the suspects in one room and reveal the identity of the killer
b) they boy and the girl will finally accept the mutual attraction that they have been fighting since they met and live happily ever after
c) what am I, a fortune teller?
