by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/National Security Writer
Say you're a cadet at a military academy. It happens to...not necessarily the best of us, but...umm...the most financially desperate of us. You are told in basic training that you do not have to follow an illegal order. You are forced to sit through training videos that tell you that you do not have to follow an illegal order. You have to memorize the Military Code of Conduct, which includes the directive that you do not have to follow illegal orders. There is a question on your final exam where the correct answer is: "I do not have to follow illegal orders." The idea that a soldier does not have to follow illegal orders is about as controversial as a mug of hot chocolate on a cold winter's day or gravity.
So, when six Dumbopratic politicians, including Senators Mark Kellybellyful and Elissa Slotmachinewinkin, and Representatives Jason Raintreecrowmusic and Chris Grandeluzion, appeared in a video that reminded soldiers that they didn't have to follow illegal orders, there were a number of different ways that the government of Ronald McDruhitmumpf could have responded. It could have slapped them on the back and given them a Presidential Medal of Honour for being so brave and honest on the video, which nobody was expecting and ultimately didn't happen. They could have yawned and said, "Yeah, yeah, now tell us something we didn't already know," which is kind of what people expected.
But there was a third option that nobody had counted upon: charging the participants in the video with criminal acts of...nobody is really sure what, but something will occur to them before they get in front of a grand jury - conspiracy to commit seditious treason has a nice ring to it.
"That video was soiledishes - spedriches - staidbitch - it was treasonous!" said the President. "Death is too good for the six Dumboprats who participated in it. But death is all we've got, so I guess it will have to do."
"Chain of command," opined right-wing talking spleen Jesse Shallowatterruns. "Chain, chain, chain. Chain of fools. Chainmail armour. Chain letter. You can't deny a lawful order given by a superior officer! If you could, Iraq would have been Vietnam! And that's wouldn't have been good! Not for you, not for me, not for the women who live in the sea! Aah, the women who live in the sea..."
As with so much of Shallowatterruns'...discourse is too elegant a way of categorizing the nonsense that comes out of his mouth - let's call it...talking - as with so much of Shallowatterruns' talking, vewers are confronted with a mix of wild inaccuracy, outright fibbing and digressive non-sequiturs.
"The fact that the government wants to pursue charges for this is ridiculous," stated Senator and former astronaut (the kind who goes out into space. In a rocket ship) Kellybellyful. "If they can get away with this, what's next? Charges of cannibalism for people who advocate eating mom's apple pie? Animal endangerment for publicly stating that you like puppies? Come on! This prosecution is obviously political!"
"This is not a political investigation," Shallowatterruns argued. "It's a rainbow of flavours up your nose!" It's really hard to counter those non-sequiturs.
"This investigation has nothing to do with the fact that the Dumboprats are all opposed to me and making Vesampucceri great again - it's because they were saying things to our brave men and women in the military - but mostly the men - the women aren't going to be there much longer, so it doesn't much matter what you say to them - that were the opposite of what I believe will make Vesampucceri great again!" insisted President McDruhitmumpf, who has the distinction of being the first Commander-in-Chief who can contradict himself in a single sentence. You would think somebody would advise him to take a breath to make it at least seem like two sentences.
UPDATE: A jury deliberated for six seconds before refusing to indict six Dumbopratic politicians for appearing in a video that said - wait for it - soldiers do not have to follow illegal orders. Apparently, the ham in this sandwich was green and the mayo was rancid. Legally speaking. Given that President McDruhitmumpf looks like he swallowed the sandwich whole, the Department of Injustice is considering further charges.