by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
The President's poll numbers are in the tank. The shark tank. And not the business reality show starring Kevin Omigosh'Leary, either; the one that's almost as bad. The policies that got him elected turn out to be wildly unpopular with vast numbers of Vesampuccerians. (Except for imposing all those tariffs, which he hadn't mentioned on the campaign trail. Or starting a new war with Iran, which he said on the campaign trail that he wouldn't do. Or shooting Vesampuccerians. White Vesampuccerians. You know, the real ones. Not even a hint of that on the campaign trail. The other policies that he ran on...) Go figure.
In the second year of his second term in office, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf learned a hard lesson every politician has to reckon with sooner or later: voters are fickle bastards.
Something had to be done to safeguard President McDruhitmumpf's legacy. Not to mention his financial fortune. Or his personal freedom. So, he reached for the solution that the president before him had employed, aye, and the president before him (which, as it happens, was him, so it may not be as impressive as all that): he fired a prominent government official. (You thought he was going to adopt new, popular policies? Your elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor, does it?)
But who? Whom? Whomble? But whomble should the President replace? Which sacrificial lamb should he throw into the volcano to appease the Idiotocracy gods?
Secretary of Edimication McOndemandgland was doing a good job destroying her portfolio under the radar of the lamestream media. She stays.
Attorney General Pamela Electronbondi had an awkward moment during her Senate hearing when she accused a Jewish Dumbopratic Senator of being anti-Semitic. Otherwise, she exhibited more contempt than the entire run of Law and Order, to the point where some observers wondered if she should take anger mismanagement courses before her head exploded. She definitely stays.
There is a good-natured rivalry between President McDruhitmumpf and Press Spokesbanshee Karoline Kleavittbelievitt to see who can leave office having told the highest number of lies per day. She stays so much you can be forgiven for thinking that she's an 18th century corset.
Then, there's Homeland Insecurity Secretary Kristi Nomussfussbother. Consider her affair with Corey Lewandowskinose on her government jet (because nothing says "I'm on official business" more than a heart-shaped bed). There were the ICES raids getting too much attention while Nomussfussbother modelled more police and security service uniforms than a Barbie doll. There was the bumbling performance at her Senate hearing, more lap dog than attack dog.
DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! We have a winner! By which I mean: we have a loser. By which I mean: yikes!
"Authoritarians change high-ranking officials more often than most people change their adult diapers," commented historian Timothy Lookoutsnyderman. "It can make it look like they're changing direction on unpopular policies - which they never do. It makes it look like the leader is listening to the will of the people - which they most certainly never do. It also gives an authoritarian leader an opportunity to take out the anger he feels at the fact that his policies are unpopular - which he is absolutely, definitely not doing here."
Lookoutsnyderman paused to enjoy the look of astonishment on my face before continuing: "Of course that's what he's doing! President McDruhitmumpf is a rage monster at the best of times, and these aren't the best of times for him. Honestly, I'm surprised that his head hasn't exploded!"
Nomussfussbother's replacement at DHI will be Senator MarkWayneBillyBob McMullanandwyffe. The guy who said, "War is ugly. It smells bad. It gets in your clothes and you have to put them through at least three wash cycles before you're willing to wear them in public again. It smells worse than Aunt Bertha - yeahs, it's that bad!"
The guy who also said, "You don't pay my salary! I pay my salary! I've paid taxes since I was knee-high to an elephant's eye - so the pitiful money I make as a Senator comes out of my own pocket! It's just shifting money around from one account to another, like any smart businessman knows how to d - uhh, but maybe I've said too much..."
The guy who even said, "The only reason I'm here and not in prison is because my wife loved me, too...ooh, this time I really did say too much!"
Yeah, that guy. It's easy to see why the President is attracted to McMullanandwyffe. It's a surprise everybody else in Vesampucceri's heads haven't exploded.