by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service Revolution/War/National Security Writer
Starting at 2:37 in the morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf sent out a flurry (more than a slurry, less than a furry) of tweeps outlining his position on the Iran war. Mostly. When he wasn't writing about windmills or injecting bleach into your eyeballs, as one will. Here are some of the highlights (if it doesn't do too much damage to the word to use it in this context) of that series of tweeps.
According to President McDruhitmumpf, the war has been swift and easily won [Lie #1]. "We have KILLED all their leaders [Lie #2] and we should be able to declare TOTAL VICTORY [Lie #3] in a matter of days [Lie #4]," he tweeped.
If that is so, how does he account for Iran's attacks on Vesampuccerian bases around the Middle East? "Iran didn't lay a finger on us [Lie #5]," the President stated. "We floated like a butterfly and stung like a Stinger missile [not a Lie so much as a WTF?]. It was *SNIFF* beautiful!"
What about the 3 - sorry, 5 - no, make that 7 (and cuonting) Vesampuccerian soldiers who have died because of Iranian counterattacks? "They died cutting themselves shaving [Lie #6]," President McDruhitmumpf tweeped. "It happens in wars. Tragic. But no more than the great bird windmill massacre [Lie #7]!!! There will probably be more Vesampuccerian deaths - that's what happens when you shave in a War Zone!"
His tweeparrage continued with the sentiment that, "Israel is doing very well in the war [Lie #8]. The Iron Chrome Dome is swatting away Iranian missiles like they were fruit flies in an orange caning factory [Lie #9]!!!!!"
Un hunh. What about all the videos that show Iranian missiles evading Israel's defences by breaking up into smaller warheads before being intercepted? "Iran doesn't have that capability [Lie #10]," the President argued. "If you think that's what you saw, you should try injecting bleach into your eyeballs - that should clear the problem right up!!!!!!!"
Un huh. And also: eww!
What about reports that Iran had destroyed many radar installations outside of Israel, making Iron Chrome Dome effectively blind? "Fake news [Lie #11]!" President McDruhitmumpf tweeped. "And I know a little bit about the subject - can you tell that I'm smirking?
How did the President respond to reports that the Duchy of Grand Fenwick had supplied Iran with intel that helped it target Israeli and Vesampuccerian bases? "Vlad is a friend of mine," he pouted. "He wouldn't betray me that way [lies #12 and #13, although President McDruhitmumpf may actually believe they are true - probably believes they are true - undoubtedly believes they are true, which doesn't make them any less lies, but does give them a poignantly disturbing subtext].
A few hours after that revelation, the United States rewarded Fenwick for its treachery by announcing that it would be lifting a lot of the sanctions on international Fenwickian oil sales. Why would President McDruhitmumpf choose this, of all moments, to make that announcement? "Iran closing the Strait of Hormuz is clearly the fault of JOE BIDEN [Lie #14]!!!" he explained in a tweep. "Not me. Nope. Un uh. By making up in Fenwickian oil what we are going to lose in Middle Eastern oil, we can keep the price down [Lie #15 1/2, inasmuch as it doesn't mention the President's slavish devotion to Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy] for Vesampuccerian consumers. Because I'm all about protecting Vesampuccerian consumers. You all look so adorable, driving around in your tiny Korean cars, how could I not love you [Lie #16 1/2, although -]?"
[Mara! What are you doing? EDITRIX-IN-CHIEF BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI]
Writing an article about the President's stance on the war on Iran.
[What are you, a superhero named The Human Polygraph? BBG]
I think it's important to alert readers to just how dishonest the President is.
[So it's not about padding your word count? BBG]
Oh. Maaaaaybe...
[Well, stop it! Your job is to report on what politicians say - if you want to analyze it, start an instasoup reel! From now on, if you use the word "lie," I will dock you a week's salary! BBG]
What if -
[Same deal. Don't use words like "prevaricate," "tell an untruth," or "lay a big, fat falsity turd" to try and get around my decision. BBG]
But what about our readers?
[If they can't tell when they're being lied to, they deserve everything that happens to them!]
There were other tweeps - there are always other tweeps - but in the interest of my career, I think this is where I will let the issue l - rest.